Y’all. Y’ALL. WE ONLY HAVE 4 EPISODES LEFT! Now, I have other nonsense to recap for you – True Blood and all those CW shows that are just pretty people talking (with Captain Kirk, apparently?!?!), but what would y’all like to see? I love doing the vampire stuff, but honestly, I could also do a Star Trek or a book series or whatever your little hearts desire. Let me know on my socials or in the comments!
We open on two men who have liberated a truck from its previous owners. They open it and discover their prize: Incan artifacts, including a mummy. We’re doing 1st-season Buffy?
So of course they open the mummy, desecrate it to find gold, and get eaten by… Danny Trejo?!?!?! My hopes for this episode are suddenly sky-high, at least as far as entertainment is concerned. I know better than to expect them to, like, make sense, or anything.
So, yes, Danny Trejo the mummy gets all plumped back up as one robber takes a gold disc off him. Then he kills that guy, and tells the other guy – Wendell – that if he serves Danny, he’ll live. Cue the opener!
Henry has a dream that Danny is in his house. He tells him he’s made a mistake, asks who the intruder is, and Danny turns around, says “Death!”, and all Henry’s blinds go up and he catches fire. Then he wakes in his bed, and I cheated, cuz I read the description on IMDB (which apparently I should have been doing this whole time, they explain a LOT), but Henry’s kind of vampires don’t dream, so this is a problem. I think this lore is stupid – the function of the brain isn’t completely overridden by vampirism, so why would being a vampire preclude needing to order your memories? (or to sleep at all, eh, Stephenie?) Like, it’s dumb, but it is a problem for Henry, so let’s see what happens.
Vicki’s hair looks terrible as Henry explains this to her, and explains that vampires know when it’s their time to die. Which sounds like spooky magic, but it’s only because they kill themselves, and one tends to plan one’s suicide. Vicki points out he doesn’t have a death wish – unlike her dry-ass hair – but Henry isn’t so sure. Maybe he doesn’t know he wants to yeet himself into the great unknown. Sounds fake, but ok.
Mike and Kate are investigating the truck murder. The guy looks like a mummy, but Mike still wants to get the body’s neck tattoo checked out. Too bad the forensics guys drop a crate lid on the body.
Vicki, Coreen, and Henry are trying to figure out his dream They’re going through books on dream symbology, but obviously, that’s not going to work for Henry – the sun is definitely not a good omen for him. He sketches Danny, and Vicki says his vestments look Incan – which she knows because she took a Meso-American history class to pick up boys in college. Nice, Vicki. No sarcasm, I appreciate the unabashed sluttery.
Henry confesses that he thinks the guy in the dream is real, and that he thinks he’s in danger. Vicki vows not to let him die because of a dream.
Meanwhile, Danny Trejo is Danny Trejo-ing at Wendell’s house. Just eating people, learning about the time and place from sucking their brains dry, being evil and “scary-looking”. I mean, maybe he is actually scary-looking, I wouldn’t know, I know he’s Danny Trejo and isn’t gonna hurt me. Wendell has a very definite Mark Ruffalo vibe, I don’t think he’s gonna make it through this, but you do feel for the kid. He warns Danny that he can’t keep eating people, or someone will notice. Danny says he needs a special soul – a nightwalker, an “undying one like myself”.
He asks Wendell for the amulet that imprisoned him, and Wendell brandishes it like a weapon. But Danny holds up a fist and takes 5 years off Wendell’s life, so, yeah, Wendell, just do what you’re told. Danny cuts Wendell’s hand and drips the blood on the amulet while the captions tell me “weird, squishy music” is playing. BRB, gotta go make a playlist…. This apparently makes the amulet inert, and Danny is now unstoppable – and requesting fancier digs, somewhere “with internet”. (I haven’t lived in a major city without Internet since like 1991, it came with all my cheap, poor person apartments, but what’s up, Canada?)
Mike swings by Vicki’s office, and because this is a good episode, he’s already figured out that his body looks like a mummy, but isn’t, and that the actual mummy is missing. Vicki asks if it’s Incan, and how would she know that? Mike is peeved that not only are half his cases supernatural, but Vicki and Henry seem to be personally connected to all of them. I mean, that’s how TV shows work, Mike. I’m sure there’s dozens of Metro Police precincts that don’t encounter anything weird, because they’re not, you know, dramas.
So why did this specific mummy go missing? Coreen says she assumes it’s a curse or an imprisonment, and thank God everyone’s smart this week. Must help when you copy great works of Incan mummy literature.
Kate’s been doing her due diligence on the Incan exhibit. Nothing is missing except the mummy, and obviously Kate and everyone but Mike think it was crushed by the forensics team. Mike points out that the wrappings for the mummy have been disturbed in such a way that the thieves might have been looking for – and found – something valuable inside with the body. Kate says there was only a ring and a necklace – not enough for the thieves to leave everything else. Kate says there has to be an explanation – maybe something outside the box.
Vicki’s running down the list of gang members Mike gave her – the tattoo on the one guy was a gang sign. She finds his trailer and his name: Ron Newbury. And the museum curator just confirmed the existence of the amulet, and that it’s missing. It wasn’t in the manifest because of reasons, no real explanation. Ron rented the garage where he was found in cash, but the receipt was all Vicki found.
Mike starts giving her the business about collecting evidence in non-police ways, but Coreen interrupts. She’s been digging into the lore, and she’s discovered some stuff about Danny. Namely, that he was a priest who wanted to take over the throne of Cuzco.
He’s named himself Pachacamac, another name for the sun god. But then he switches teams to the god of death, and he starts a cult. They try to take over, but are ultimately defeated, and they bind and bury Pachacamac after trying several times, unsuccessfully, to kill him. Guy’s been after power for centuries, and Vicki surmises that using Henry as bait will help them find Danny – because they seem to already have a connection, and because Henry is pretty sure Danny is coming for him.
See how good your episode can be when your scenes take longer than a five-second YouTube ad? When your characters actually get to discuss things with each other, instead of fighting for no reason?
Danny has taken over a mcmansion in the suburbs, and he talks about how his followers will come, their deaths will be glorious, and no, Wendell can’t leave yet! Be part of the death cult, Wendell! Oh, damn, Danny should have waited 10 years: he would have fuckin loved the Grand Old Party’s descent into death madness.
Henry has another dream, but it’s not really a dream. Danny is specifically looking for him, and through this vision learns Henry’s name. Knows who he’s looking for, now. Vicki tells Henry to guide the dream, to communicate and find Pachacamac. Henry insists he’ll find and kill him, but despite Vicki’s suggestion they use the connection, she now doesn’t want Henry to leave his apartment? and she’s going to guard him during daylight? Ok, fine, I guess nothing can be perfect.
Kate and Mike have an argument about Mike shutting Kate out, again, and leaning on Vicki for too much. Mike insists he has other sources, and tells Kate about Wendell, his latest lead. But we all know Kate’s not wrong.
They go to Wendell’s old place and Mike finds a mummified body, but tells Kate he didn’t find anything and destroys the body. That was a person, Mike! WTF? They also find the amulet, half destroyed, definitely not gold anymore. Definitely not working the same magic anymore.
Coreen is aghast, because without the amulet, how do they defeat Pachacamac? Vicki says that the magic still exists: they just need a practitioner with a grimoire. Vicki says she has the magic tattoos, and she knows someone with a grimoire. Coreen says that’s the dumbest fucking idea she’s heard, and she works with Vicki, she knows from dumb ideas. But Vicki is convinced, she’s the only option, even if Henry will freak if he finds she’s doing magic.
(Also, and this is an aside, because it doesn’t quite fit, but I can’t let it go – A grimoire is just an individual witch’s book of spells and information. Like, I have color correspondences and weather aphorisms in mine, as well as some astrology shit and medicinal uses for botanicals, that kind of shit. Homemade soap recipes, tricks for good bread at altitude. Hilarious to me that “a grimoire” is, like, the pinnacle of magical items.)
Oh, Vicki thinks her tattoos draw evil into her life. Huh. I guess? I dunno, this show is so terribly written that the tattoos should be important, but all they give us is Vicki complaining about them or trying vaguely to use them. So, y’know:
Coreen babysits Henry during daylight to go through his magic books and find a spell Vicki can use. There is actually some nice character building in a little scene between Henry and Vicki, but with three-and-a-half episodes left, I won’t bother with it.
Wendell has found Henry. Well, he’s found Henry’s comics. Pachacamac takes another few years from Wendell because he fails to call them graphic novels, and I laughed.
Mike has compunctions about being a cop – I mean, he quibbles about “good” cops who don’t destroy evidence and shit, but we know about “good cops”.
Vicki rightly points out that this isn’t exactly the sort of thing regular cops deal with. Mike wants nothing to do with it. He wants to be a regular cop who plays by the rules – he’s not made for this.
Vicki finds a spell to use, though Coreen says it’s too dangerous and Henry would never agree. Vicki’s pissed she wasn’t shown all the options, including whatever it is they’re talking about, and tells Coreen to get what they need, get set up, and do NOT tell Henry.
Henry has another dream, where Pachacamac tells Henry to meet him, gives the address, and threatens Vicki. Henry insists on going, so Vicki stabs him with a sword – oh, wait, it’s the sacrifice for a spell?!?!?! They need the blood untouched by sun, and herbs grown in dark, and then Vicki drinks it and it’s gonna… give her power, I guess. She immediately doesn’t need her glasses, so there ya go.
She heads off to Pachacamac’s house, and starts with bullets, which obviously don’t work. She offers him her life instead of Henry’s? Oh, the spell poisoned her for Pachacamac – he starts eating her and then dies, all mummied out again. It’s a little anticlimactic, but not much; they did set this up well, and I think this episode is more about how Vicki’s relationships are breaking down.
She goes back to Henry’s, but he isn’t there: he went out immediately to feed, wouldn’t even look at Coreen. So Vicki goes to the precinct to tell Mike it’s done. Mike also refuses to speak to her any longer. She’s back at the office when Henry turns up, complaining about her use of black magic, and that he can’t forgive her, even if it saved his life.
And that’s the end. Looks like we’re wrapping up Vicki’s whole life here in Toronto: Mike’s out, Henry’s out, even Coreen seems rattled. We might get a decent send-off for this thing… if they can keep it together for three more hours!
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