Well, kids, it’s my commentary on the commentary. That’s right.

Commentaryception.

Ok. So, as I covered last time, Geraint is pronounced with a hard G, and all the flying scenes were shot with remote-controlled helicopters. Apparently, they crashed them. At least a few times. And this commentary was recorded nine years after the episode was shot. The episode is copyrighted 1994, you guys. I feel ridiculously old, now.

Geraint wonders if it was cold when they started shooting. Jim Parriott comments on Fred Mollin’s score. Geraint thinks that his scene getting out of the sunbed was the only time he was ever shirtless on the show, and for good reason. Aw, Ger. Don’t be so hard on yourself. But Jim says they planned to use the shot again, they just never did.

This…is a little boring. I may throw in some cute animals to entertain myself. Or pretty people to drool over. Or both.

This was the first episode in the new studio, and they talk about how the show is dated by Nick’s answering machine. And then they chat about Natalie pressuring Nick to eat, and how Nick takes the corks out of the bottles of blood with his teeth. And how Nick doesn’t get to look out the window, like for realsies, but looks instead at crew members. Jim remembers writing this episode.

Guys. Were DVD commentaries so new in 2003 that you couldn’t come up with anything better than this? I have better commentaries on shows I watch in my living room. Srsly.

Aw, he’s like a tiny version of my enormous cat, Rawr. It means “I love you” in dinosaur.

Oh, OK, here we go. A story about Fred Mollin’s audition for the music gig on this show. Apparently he came in with the theme song, and they ran with it. That…wasn’t as interesting as I was hoping. Geraint likes credits that he can’t read. Having Nigel Bennett (Lacroix) do the voiceover was Jim’s idea.

Why they changed captains is not explained at all. Thanks, y’all. They know someone on the credits, and Jim and his wife were going out with her that weekend.

Commentary. Whut r u doin. Commentary. STAHP.

They laugh about John Kapelos (Schenke). Then we watch the scene with the reindeer shirt. At least they mention that the shirt is, in fact, pajamas. Vindication! I knew Canada didn’t have moose shirts!

Geraint had a cold during this episode. And he makes fun of his own beard and hair, so I guess I don’t have to do it, although I think he was just ahead of his hipster time, really.

Jim wonders what they wanted to accomplish with the second season. “To get a third?” says Geraint, and they laugh. But seriously, second seasons are usually the best in a series, because you’re not just trying to get ratings. You can start dealing with the themes you want to explore. They had more money to build things and a better sound stage, too. Geraint says that the long – a year-plus – hiatus between seasons also helped the actors.

Nobody knows what Deborah Duchene (Janette) is up to anymore.

Geraint just hinted that maybe he and Deborah had an affair on set. But he’s “not going to go there”. Jim says, “You guys had great chemistry.” WHY ARE YOU KEEPING THE GOOD STORIES FOR YOURSELVES?

Jim mentions that their scenes were so much longer then, not like shows today. Which…I don’t remember a whole lot of TV from ten years ago, but these scenes always feel really short to me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m analyzing them for the recaps, or if I’m just used to scenes going on for a few thousand words and feeling longer in fiction, but the only time FK scenes seem to go on and on is when they’re boring. Like this commentary, for example.

They liked the first season precinct set better than this one. Yes, Geraint had a cold. They can both hear it. Nick wore a lot of vests. There were three Caddys used in the show, but they don’t know what happened to any of them. Geraint remembers the names of random extras.

The stunt coordinator went on to do big stuff for Jackie Chan, and apparently it’s all due to his flying work on Forever Knight. Well, good for him. Four for you, Stunt Coordinator. You go, Stunt Coordinator!

They literally have an exchange about the type of film they used this season. THE TYPE OF FILM. I hope you Snowflakes appreciate the things I do for you.

This is quickly followed up by a discussion of how many scripts were in the can when they started filming, and where they were written, and who wrote this one. And then who brought whom across, and when. And then two minutes on the contact lenses they used for vamping out. It’s like they just got a couple beers and decided to record their reminiscences.

They keep talking. I’m not really listening anymore. Something about the colors on set, something about the smoke effects when Nick is out in the sun, the outside shots of the precinct are a library, blah, blah, blah. Now I feel completely justified in never, ever listening to commentaries ever again.

JIM PARRIOTT JUST YAWNED IN MY EAR. Dude, can you act interested? I mean, you’re involved in this thing. I’m just here for the snark.

OMG, NIGEL BENNETT DID AN OATMEAL COMMERCIAL. WHUT. See? Why can’t the whole commentary be shit like that? Because this? IS GOLD. That’s what should be on the special features. Nothing but these people’s commercials. Because my favorite thing is recognizing actors I know from one thing in something else, and then making snarky jokes about their other shows.

Now they’re discussing filming and setting the show in Toronto, and they have all these reasons, but we know the truth, Snowflakes. We know it’s simply because Toronto is overrun with vampires, and it’s easy to find fanged extras.

Their head of post-production was “Tim”.

And that’s basically it. They don’t even say goodbye or anything at the end. Which I, of course, would never do to you, my lovelies.

This is the only commentary offered on this disc, and I don’t think they offer any more on any others, but if they do, I’m skipping them. As fun as it was illustrating this recap, it was painfully boring to listen to.

Come back Thursday for my recap of episode 2: A Fate Worse Than Death, which promises to be exxxtra sexxxy, as it’s about whores.

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