SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E5: Deadly Departed

Posted on August 10, 2023 by Catherine Winters

SGRoA post 93 of 122

Another day, another lack of dollars, another recap. I’m actually batching these this week, because my basement is so much cooler than my upstairs, and I can hide down here in the dark like the little gremlin I am, waiting for winter. Let’s get started, fellow gremlins!

We open on…bugs. Framed bugs, like, entomology bugs. Beetles, it looks like, specifically, and no, I don’t know why I’m so interested. Vicki’s reading in her office, and I’m delighted the bugs are hers.

Mike walks in and says that he got her messages, but he’s been “busy”. Doing what, Mike? Trolling other incels? Oh, he’s complaining about Henry being a vamp and how Henry must be a danger to other people, even if he’ll allow that he’s not a danger to Vicki, specifically. Mike complains it’s weird, and Vicki reminds him of the guy they put away who stuffed his victims and made them into marionettes, and, like, yeah, Mike. A little iron deficiency and a pair of fangs is fuckin nothing in that comparison.

Mike finally concedes the point by having Chinese food with Vicki (who bought for their regular hang session, and ordered way too much). But he doesn’t, y’know, like, apologize, or anything.

Some guy in an ill-fitting suit is working late in his office; the lights go out. His phone rings, and he answers as if it’s his wife, but it’s someone telling him he’s dead, “you hear me?” He hangs up the phone, but it keeps ringing, and then there’s like a zombie guy on his computer monitor. So he runs to the elevator, thinks he’s good, and then the zombie/ghost guy is in the elevator, reaches into his chest, and kills him. Cue the theme song!

Y’know, I never really watched the opening before, there’s so much kissing. Like, way more than has happened in the actual show. Weird.

Anyway. Dead guy is Freddy Stamp, a lawyer. His widow is in Vicki’s office, giving her the rundown on the case so far. She doesn’t believe it was the heart attack it looked like, so she’s come to Vicki, since she thinks that a dead client of Freddy’s killed him: Magnus O’Connor.

Meanwhile, Mike is at work, googling “vampires” like a weirdo. Vicki is here, looking for the file on O’Connor. Seems he was an inveterate assaulter, once got pulled over for a traffic stop with a severed head on his passenger seat. Freelanced for the Irish mafia, that kind of stuff. Killed someone in prison the first day – and killed himself in prison last week.

So Vicki’s next stop is obviously Henry, the only dead guy she knows. She walks in after barely knocking only to get a sword thrown at her, to which she drily responds, “Work not going well?” Vicki has her faults (this is 2007 Lifetime, after all), but comebacks aren’t one of them.

She lays the case out to him while he sketches her holding the sword. Henry says that O’Connor must have hired someone, easy. Vicki isn’t so sure – why hire someone if you’re planning to off yourself? So Henry says that obviously, O’Connor must have wrought vengeance from beyond the grave – a possibility that Vicki dismisses out of hand, despite, you know, everything she’s experienced lately?

Vicki heads to see Magnus’s mom. She owns a salon, and she says that Magnus was always a good boy, helped support the family after dad died, bought her the salon, etc. Her other son threatens Vicki after Mom tells her to leave, and Vicki maintains she’s not intimidated and then leaves.

The ME hasn’t found anything out of the ordinary except bruising on Stamp’s heart – it looks like someone reached into his chest and squeezed his heart until he died. “Like I said, cardiac arrest,” says the ME, trying to get her own comeback award. Vicki then asks about O’Connor’s suicide. ME looks it up: O’Connor slit his wrists and carved a pentagram into his own chest. “Right up your alley,” she says to Vicki.

Back to Mike we go, to chide him about not telling Vicki about the pentagram. He “refuses to give you any more reasons to go after the bogey-man” and, just – why, Mike. Why are you like this. Who raised you.

Mike gets called into …the captain’s office? (Look, it’s been a hot minute since I watched any of this, and I don’t remember this lady, but she’s yelling at Cellucci, so even though Vicki hates her, I’m guessing she’s not all bad.) Vicki heads out after a parting shot about how “the rules don’t solve cases”.

She heads back over to Henry’s, this time with the crime scene photos and file on O’Connor’s suicide. He did it in a circle of salt, with a glass of water and incense, and used an “elaborate shiv”. Henry identifies it as Celtic magic: O’Connor killed himself to kill Stamp. Vicki isn’t so sure – seems a bit much, even for someone as savage as O’Connor. And y’know, she’s not wrong. A lot of guys – especially freelancers – who work with mobs of various sorts will go to jail, sometimes often. It’s considered by a lot of them to be a cost of doing business: sometimes, the state’s gang will come up against your gang, and someone might have to do some time. Not usually a big deal; they’ll feed little fish to the authorities and keep the big fish out, if possible, but sometimes a big fish has to go, to. Seems a little excessive to kill yourself just to get to your lawyer, especially for a guy like O’Connor.

Henry says he knows someone they can ask for more details on the magic, maybe he’s wrong – but he’s reluctant to contact them, because it’s been a while, and we can all assume this is some vampy ex or something. Vicki isn’t deterred; she wants to solve the case, and doesn’t really care if Henry isn’t on good terms with all his exes.

Cut to another middle-aged guy getting into a car, hurriedly, scared. Can’t tell why, because all I hear is car horns and someone gently revving a not-souped-up engine, and just, like, why is Canada so nice? Do they not have those assholes with the fart cars who rev for funsies?

these dipshits, who make me so happy when they crash

Anyway, in case you don’t know how narratives work, this guy is also killed by O’Connor reaching into his chest and squeezing his heart.

Vicki and Henry end up at a “fortune teller” shop, with a woman named Sinead who is Henry’s magic expert. Vicki is immediately hostile, for some reason? Sinead does a weird little optical illusion as her entrance – she’s in the mirror, but not in the room, but then is sitting down at a table! SpooOooOooky! But she’s otherwise quite normal, asking Henry why he hasn’t been around and inviting Vicki to sit to discuss the case. Vicki refuses, and Sinead refuses to look at Vicki’s file. She dumps some runes out, then says she wants to see Vicki’s magic tattoo – the one she got from the zombie episode, I think? Henry is now hostile, too. What on earth is wrong with these people? Why does no one in this show act like a regular human being? If people aren’t being bitches to you, don’t be bitches back!

like, is this neurotypical shit, or what?

Sinead says the tattoos can focus energy, that they’re a type of spell. She then says that Henry’s faith dictates her magic is evil, but she’s more “enlightened”. Henry says it’s “foolish”. Ok? SO WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME, HENRY.

Sinead says the spell O’Connor did was a cleansing one, a simple one to prepare the soul for moving on, and anyone could do it. Vicki and Henry turn to leave and Sinead says that “gratuities are always welcome, there’s a box on the table”. Henry grabs Vicki and tells her not to touch the box. In the hallway, he reiterates that Vicki’s tattoos are “evil” and that Sinead was wrong about them. Vicki says that Sinead is hiding something, and so is Henry – and Henry confesses that he was involved with Sinead before he knew “how immersed she was in the Dark Arts.”

So. Let me get this straight. YOU suggested going to Sinead. YOU said she was an expert in magic. YOU refused to tell Vicki anything on the way over. And now you’re throwing Sinead under the bus?

MOVING ON… George Neely, a prosecutor, was the second victim. ME says it’s the same MO, same perp. She fingerprinted the hearts, and was able to lift a partial and a full thumb, both matching O’Connor. Vicki calls Cellucci to ask after the presiding judge in the case, because clearly, O’Connor has a list.

Sinead shows up at Henry’s apartment, not really apologizing for using magic on him, which seems to be his major beef with her? (I mean, I’d think it weird that I couldn’t tell her apart from every other brunette on every other show in 2007, but that’s a personal peeve, I think.) She tells him she won’t use magic on him – and she still won’t mind if he drinks her blood, so he does.

Vicki is at Justice Pettigrew’s house, trying to stop a murder, I’m guessing. She goes right into the house when no one answers the door, hears a phone ringing, finds a hidden room and Pettigrew in it. Apparently he went to hide after getting a call from O’Connor, but that was it – just a call. Vicki suggests that O’Connor has more to be angry about than merely being convicted, and Pettigrew eventually confesses that he, Neely, and Stamp railroaded the guy. Though he claims Stamp didn’t know – they buried some sort of technical fault with the evidence-gathering that would have gotten O’Connor off, but since “everyone knew” he was guilty, they thought they were doing the right thing. Vicki tells Pettigrew to pack a bag, they’re going into protective custody.

Sinead uses a potion to keep Henry in bed with her. She says she had a vision that he’s in danger if he goes to Vicki, but he’s offended she used magic and he goes anyway.

Vicki hands Pettigrew off to Henry, telling him to get a hotel, use cash, blah blah. But before they can go, O’Connor is coming through the door. Vicki grabs his ankle and her tattoo glows – focusing that power, perhaps? O’Connor shrugs it off, though, and goes into Pettigrew’s panic room – through the bookcase – and kills him.

Vicki has to call 911, obviously. The Captain lady shows up and asks Vicki what the connection between the victims is – and if Vicki doesn’t cough up the info, she won’t be allowed anywhere near this case anymore. “Quid pro quo or persona non grata,” she says, and Vicki looks pissed, but, like, yes? That seems reasonable? What am I missing here? Why is everyone so pissed at everyone else all the time?!

Vicki gives it up, and says that she thinks a member of O’Connor’s family is getting revenge. Captain sends Mike and his partner to interview the O’Connors again, then tells Vicki that she should have gone to them about Pettigrew, and his death is on Vicki’s hands. Whatever. Post-hoc justification for Vicki being a bitch.

Cellucci asks Vicki who it was, she says O’Connor. Cellucci wants proof; Vicki tells him about the fingerprints. Cellucci just moves on to who’s next; Vicki says probably the cop who collected the evidence in the first place, and Mike is taking this very well. Mike says compared to all the other weird shit happening lately, killer ghosts don’t seem like much. Oh, really? Is that why you’re all twisted about Henry having fangs, Mike?

Mike says he’ll look up the cop, but Vicki can’t keep him out of the loop. Vicki says he could lose his job for that? Why? Because he’s acting on a tip? What kind of a police force is this, Toronto?

High Waisted Dad Jeans — Oh. right, that kind.

Back at her office, Vicki posits to Henry that Sinead was right about the tattoos. Henry maintains that they were made by black magic, and they’ll draw black magic to Vicki. Magic isn’t that simple, Henry, but leave it to a vampire to literally never ask a question of anyone, including other paranormal beings.

Vicki goes to Sinead’s to ask about the tattoos. Sinead says everything they need to know is in the box Henry told her not to touch, and Henry again says not to touch it, and that Sinead better talk. About what? O’Connor? The tattoos? Life, the universe, and everything? When Sinead seems put out by Henry’s continued hostility, he starts to open the box, facing Sinead. Weird light and screams come out of it, and she looks frightened.

Meanwhile, Cellucci and partner have O’Connor’s brother in the interrogation room. He lawyers up, after maintaining that O’Connor didn’t hire anyone.

Sinead says that the pentagram in Vicki’s tattoos binds her to the demon (Astaroth, Henry helpfully reminds us. I do not remember this *at all*, so, thanks, I guess?). Henry wants to know how she’s bound, but “only time will tell.” She then says that O’Connor’s spell blocks the passage of the spirit, and she lied to them about it because she didn’t want to get on the wrong side of someone who would do such a spell. She says the person who did it is in the photos.

They figure out that O’Connor’s spell bound him to his mother – so she’s the one who killed everyone. With a ghost, I guess, as the weapon. For all the time we spend on this show in displays of bizarre hostility, we could have decent explanations of how the magic works, but where’s the fun in that?

Cellucci comes in just as they figure it out, and says we’ll never guess who was responsible for fucking up the evidence. And he’s right, I wouldn’t have: it’s Captain Lady!

Cellucci goes to keep her safe, while Vicki and Henry go find O’Connor’s mom. They find O’Connor’s brother, stuck in a salon chair with melted hands. He says that their mom made O’Connor kill himself, that she wanted the revenge more than anyone. Henry tries to help his hands, but he says his mom will let it wear off, if he’s good. Henry can’t believe she’d do this to her own son, and, like, Henry. You’re 500 years old. You’ve never met a child abuser before?

the 10th doctor looking confused, with the caption "What?"

Blah blah blah, buncha pointless dialogue, and then Mrs. O’Connor is summoning outside the station just after Henry and Vicki go inside. There’s some very bad CGI of O’Connor’s ghost coming out of her mouth, it’s great.

For some reason, Captain lady has gone outside? and then Cellucci follows, so he sees her getting attacked by O’Connor. Henry puts his hand over Mom’s mouth, to stop her spelling, I guess, and Vicki reaches into the ghost’s chest and pulls out his heart.

Captain lady is alive, Mom O’Connor is dead, Vicki is a remarkably intuitive magic user, and Cellucci doesn’t mention that a ghost attacked Captain lady. (Her name is Crowley, apparently, but I hate-watched all 15 seasons of Supernatural, so no, I’m not going there.)

And then Mike takes Henry’s fingerprints off a water glass, so clearly, everything’s fine!

See you next week, same bat time, same bat channel, Snowflakes!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E4: Gifted

Posted on August 1, 2023 by Catherine Winters

SGRoA post 92 of 122

Y’ALL. I have been watching that LuLaRoe documentary on Amazon and OMG. OMGOD. These people are something else. Have you been watching? Have you ever been involved with LLR? Let me know in the comments or on my socials, because holy fuck, is that some good trainwreck watching. Almost couldn’t pull myself away for a recap this week. Almost.

We open on a… comic shop? It’s named “Beguiling”, which screams “boutique clothing” to me, but sure, it can be a comic shop. Vicki is hanging around, reading “Blood Price”, one of Henry’s novels. Convenient that it’s one of yours too, Vic! A couple guys who work there try to talk to her, and they’re acting like their super nerds who won’t ever see a woman’s unclothed ankle, but this is 2007. I can guarantee nerds hot enough to be cast in a television show were drowning in it – just like all nerds, everywhere, when they’re just regular people. Why we keep hanging onto this nonsensical 1950s high school hierarchy as a society is baffling to me, and I need it to stop so I don’t have to take a giant paragraph to bitch about it at the beginning of my supposedly funny tv recaps!

Blergh. Anyway. Henry’s in there every week for new comics Wednesday and they banter about getting to know each other – Vicki says the books will tell her a lot more than he will, but honestly, I wouldn’t take the author’s views as the person’s, Vic. I write a lot of shit that looks absolutely nothing like my life, trust. I am very boring in person.

Somewhere else, a lady is trying to get her daughter down for the night because the movers are coming in the morning, and they are apparently going to pack every single item in this house before they move it anywhere, because this kid has art on the walls – in frames and out – and toys everywhere and fancy curtains still up and clothes on the floor. Like, come on. My places have all looked like depressing squats the night before moving: bed on the floor, nothing on the windows, every trace of human levity or joy replaced by builder-standard finishes and ugly beige paint. I wanna know how much these luxury movers cost, man!

So, kid refuses to move and says she hates her mom, and then the whole house shakes and a monster appears in the kitchen. You know, normal kid stuff. And then it’s time for the theme song!

Coreen has run an ad for the PI biz, proclaiming no case too strange and that they specialize in the paranormal. Vicki protests: “I’m not Ghostbusters!”

But it’s getting them clients, and clients mean money, and Vicki’s 10:30 is already here. They tell the story absolutely super backward – clearly we’re supposed to assume that this woman is related to the lady and the kid we already saw, but there’s literally zero indication of that until the end of the conversation. So in order, here’s what happened: Old Lady (Emily) came in to get help finding her daughter’s husband. Her daughter, Celeste, has been murdered, and Emily knows that Steve (the husband) didn’t have anything to do with it. But Emily’s granddaughter, Sarah, is living at her boarding school now, and she’ll have to go into foster care if they can’t find Steve. I think. Again, they told this fucking backward for zero reasons, and I am assuming that Celeste and Sarah are the mom and kid and demon imaginary friend.

SO. Vicki takes the case, obvies. Emily is sure that Steve had nothing to do with the murder, so Vicki gets to work.

First stop is watching the tapes of Sarah’s interview with police, where she’s a little too adamant that no one else was in the house besides her and her mom. Celeste’s wounds look like bites and scratches, and they have no leads yet. Steve and Celeste split a year ago, and Steve seems to have vanished, so much so that no one thinks he’s involved in this murder. Mike’s boss tells Vicki in no uncertain terms that she’s not on the homicide, so stop asking difficult questions and stick to your stupid missing persons case.

Vicki manages to leave without fighting with Mike – but that’s just because Mike manages not to say anything misogynistic or ableist while she’s standing there.

But then Graham (his partner) comes in with the background check on Henry? which he already did? so I guess this is, like, a deeper one? I guess we just have to rehash Mike’s reasons for being such a dick, though it won’t provide any justification, MIKE.

Vicki heads over to Sarah’s school and talks to the headmaster. It’s a school for “gifted” children, which is a whole other boondoggle of a term that I’m not going to get into here, but trust, it’s all bullshit. Sarah is supposedly a talented artist, but Steve wasn’t into the art, or Sarah’s education at the school. The headmaster wasn’t impressed with him, but we don’t get any more of that because Sarah’s brought in to talk to Vic.

Sarah maintains that her father doesn’t want her – that he, in fact, hates her, and left because she was bad. Vicki reassures her, as you would, but Sarah runs off. So Vic goes back to ask the headmaster some more questions about Steve.

Meanwhile, Henry’s getting his drink on at a club while Mike is interrogating the weird-ass doorman dude at Henry’s building. Doorman lets slip that Henry tips well at Christmas, keeps night hours, and has a revolving bed of women in and out of the penthouse.

Vicki cuts short Henry’s meal to request company at Celeste’s house. Vicki’s searching for anything that might indicate Steve’s whereabouts – she finds it hard to believe that he would just abandon his family and never talk to them again, though that sounds like a tale as old as time, to me. All she has so far is Emily’s word that Steve is a stand-up guy, but everyone else says he just up and left. I understand she has to do her best for her client, but wouldn’t it be easier to check DMV records or something?

While going through mail scattered on the floor, Vicki finds one of Sarah’s pictures in an envelope from the school, with a note for Celeste to call Sarah’s teacher. It’s dated one week before Sarah died, and the picture shows Sarah standing over a dead Celeste in the kitchen, a giant monster standing next to her.

Vicki and Henry head to the ME’s office to ask about Celeste’s murder. Claws again, though clearly not from a dog or wolf or bear or anything. Also, whatever it was kept clawing at Celeste after she was dead. Henry asks the ME if the thing Sarah drew in her picture could have made the wounds on Celeste, and she says sure, if that thing existed. Vicki and Henry head out, but she’s not happy about him showing the pic around, because it doesn’t mean anything, monsters aren’t real. Henry disagrees.

So, Steve’s a mechanic and into classic cars, and Coreen finds him by calling classic restorers in the greater Toronto metro. So, Coreen is the PI now? Vicki just hangs out with Henry doing unnecessary B&E’s?

Dr. Crusher rolling her eyes with the caption, Sure, Jan, from the Brady Bunch meme

Before going to interview Steve – and, presumably, have to tell him about the death of his ex-wife and the orphaning of his child, since the cops didn’t know where the fuck he was – Vicki tells Coreen to “get on the Net” (yes, it’s capitalized and everything!) and research anything supernatural that could be Sarah’s monster.

Huh, Steve’s a short king, and very much not in the mood to be asked questions about his ex. Oh, he does seem like a jerk: he gives Vicki an alibi immediately, and says he cannot help Emily, she’ll have to find someone else. Vicki protests that that’s his kid! but he does. not. care.

Vicki thinks it’s all hinky, especially now that Steve won’t have anything to do with Sarah. To be fair to Vicki, Steve definitely didn’t act like a guy who hated his family, or didn’t want to be a father. He seems like someone who literally cannot help, and is tired of being asked. Vicki talks it over with Mike, and she’s pretty insistent that something’s weird, but Mike, as usual, thinks she’s wrong.

a "keep calm" poster, but it says "fuck this guy" — every episode, apparently

So Vicki goes back to talk to Sarah, who maintains that Daddy left because he hates her, but he never hurt her or her mom. Vicki asks about the picture, and Sarah says that’s not her dad; that’s Buttercup, her stuffy! Buttercup wouldn’t hurt ANYONE, and she resents the implication, and she runs off to her room.

So Vicki talks to her classroom teacher. Sarah’s been drawing weird shit for over a year; Steve never seemed to care about her; Teacher was trying to get hold of Celeste to discuss it. While they’re talking, though, the headmaster goes through a locked door to a hidden part of the school, where they’re doing psychic experiments on the kids. Sarah’s in this weird bit, and he says that they “have to talk about Buttercup”.

He tells her that Teacher betrayed them by sending the pic to her mom, and Teacher must be dealt with, or Sarah will end up going away. Sarah says, as the school starts shaking, that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone, but the headmaster goads her into producing Buttercup and attempted-murdering Teacher.

Mike shows up at the school because the paramedics called him because Vicki was involved.

Mike asks what happened, and Vicki tells him, and Mike thinks she’s lying or crazy or hysterical or whatever. He brings up Henry again, because OF FUCKING COURSE, and then leaves in a huff, luckily just before Henry shows up to accompany Vicki to interview Steve again.

He tells her that she has no idea what’s happening, and she should stay away. Besides, Celeste wouldn’t let him help Sarah at all, anyway. Steve’s super stroppy until Henry mojos him, and then he says fuck it, I’ll tell you.

Sarah’s imaginary friend kills and hurts people. They were desperate for help when Headmaster found them, and at first the school seemed good – incidents stopped around the house, Sarah seemed happy. But then she would want something, and Buttercup would just take it. Things escalated until Buttercup attacked Steve, and he knows that’s what killed Celeste. He’s terrified of Sarah, and with good reason, and he will not take her out of that school. He stalks away, though he can still hear Vicki as she screams the house down about abandoning fathers. Look, Vic, your dad sounds like an asshole, but your psychic-powered imaginary friend didn’t try to kill him, so mayyyyyyyyyyybe these situations are a little different?

Mike is still trying to figure out Henry, so he’s at the comic shop, being condescending about From Hell and asking rude questions. He learns basically the same things: night owl, lots of hotties throwing themselves at him. He obviously follows this up with staking out (heh. stakes) Henry’s apartment.

Steve is going around the damn bend. Drinking at work, pulling a gun out of his toolbox and loading it. He calls Vicki’s office and leaves a message about taking Sarah out of the school, and Vicki goes after him, trying to get Henry’s help on the way. She runs into Steve immediately, and says she’ll help him get his daughter.

Henry gets Vicki’s message as he leaves his place; he hurries to his car and Mike follows.

Headmaster goes to the secret door and unlocks it; Vicki and Steve accost him and follow him in to Sarah. Steve says he’s taking her out of the school, and Sarah starts wilding out. Henry and Mike stop for a small spat in the front driveway about Mike’s following Henry, but then they’re headed in to “save” Vicki, who’s having to listen to Headmaster monologue about… Satan? giving Sarah her powers? Weird addition, but sure, makes a good monologue.

Henry breaks down a door that Mike couldn’t budge, and how long is it before Mike figures out the vampire thing? Or won’t he, because that’s too “hysterical”?

Sarah’s being a bitch, the room is shaking, Buttercup is on the loose, Henry breaks in and is choking Headmaster, Vicki and Steve are talking Sarah out of her bitchery. Sarah acts nothing like a child, just for the record. I don’t know any children who have ever acted like this, or ever would, no matter who was influencing them to use their freaky telekinesis. Pretty sure Sarah’s like, Fae or some shit, man, but this is the end of the episode, so of course they convince her that Steve loves her and Headmaster is a bad guy, and Buttercup is a dick. Everyone goes home happy, Headmaster goes to jail, and Mike is reduced to asking Henry “what” he is.

So Henry answers.

And Mike promptly overreacts about the vampirism.

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E3: Bad Juju

Posted on September 9, 2021 by Catherine Winters

SGRoA post 91 of 122

Hey, Snowflakes, Editing Cate here. I got off track last week and somehow just… never published the recap?!?!?! I’m blaming my chronic pain, but let’s be honest: we all know it’s the weed.

In any case, here’s the recap! I’ll be back with the next ep next week. Enjoy!

Happy Friday, Snowflakes! Do you have big plans for the holiday weekend? The Union Pacific Big Boy train engine is going to be in Denver on Monday, so we’re probably going to take the little train (light rail) to the Big Boy and have a very autistic day – provided we have the sensory energy to begin with, of course. lol. Too autistic to autist. Well, let’s get to the jokes!

Toronto never changes, y’all: most of the establishing shots look like they’re from the same stock footage bank Forever Knight used. Oh, I love it so much. After our skyline, we’re taken to the Juju Lounge, where Vicki is interviewing a new client, Angelique. She’s from New Orleans, and whatever stereotypical nonsense you’re picturing, I need you to double it.

I mean: Juju Lounge, complete with a skull in a top hat logo; French name; sort-of maybe Haitian accent; “jungle” theme in the bar. I’m pretty sure most of this is racist, too? Like, I’m not exactly sure how, because I am painfully white and was told we solved racism in the 60s when I grew up, but it feels like something we just should not be doing.

But Angelique is nice! She’s looking for her missing brother, and Vicki tells her to go to the cops, because they don’t charge out of pocket. Angelique insists she won’t call the pigs, and good choice, Angelique. I’d pay out of pocket for competence, too. She gives Vicki a list of known associates/friends/people of interest, her contact info, and enough cash for a week or so. She does tell Vicki that the brother, Royal, was mixed up with a bad dude: Henri Gregoire. Vicki starts to ask more, as they leave the club, but they are attacked…

a blue keep calm sign that says "keep calm it gets better"

…by a zombie.

OK, I guess we’re doing this. I don’t know why I expect better of 2007, it has proved itself to be a very shit year over and over again. I guess I just have trouble understanding why you’d do the same old boring spin on something that was already hacky in the 80s. So, New Orleans Zombies it is. Sigh.

Vicki fights him off for a bit, and Angelique runs, and the zombie goes right after her. And he kills the friend that’s with them? even though he just knocked the friend to the ground? OK, Blood Ties, sure. I guess there has to be a murder for Celluci to show up.

Vicki confesses to him that the suspect seemed like a zombie, and Mike yells at her about it. She admits that she doesn’t know what was going on, that clearly it’s not supernatural, but this is how the perp acted. Mike doesn’t care, because it’s nighttime and Vicki’s half blind. And he insinuates it’s Henry’s fault?

Vicki goes straight to Henry, because Mike does have a point: Henry knows about weird shit. He teases her about wanting him, and she teases him about being conceited, and eventually she admits she needs his help. Henry immediately is serious and attentive as she tells him about being zombie-attacked. Henry confirms it’s a zombie “from voodoo” (which, yes, problematic as hell, but I’m not qualified to get into it), and he tells her to stay the fuck out of it. Vicki refuses, of course, and he tells her he’ll work the case with her to keep her safe – and vamps out on her a little bit to remind her that he, himself, is a Big Bad, and she should really take him seriously when he warns her.

The antagonist from The Princess and the Frog sits on his throne of human bones and tells a lackey that his zombies are going to find his enemies, or something. I’m not exactly paying attention because holy shit, y’all. Holy. Shit.

Well. That’s…something, isn’t it? Anyway, let me rewind a minute… Oh, ok, this must be Gregoire. He’s looking for Angelique, and he tells the lackey that if they don’t find her, his zombies will find them, and then he makes the guy barf up a snake. Sure. Why not.

Coreen has a bunch of research on voodoo and zombies. The tattoos on the victim were symbols for power and protection, like sigils specific to voodoo (which, again, wildly problematic, I know, but I’m going with what they’re calling it, since it’s clearly just a stereotypical portrayal.).

Henry and Vicki head back to the bar, where suddenly the bartender has no idea who Angelique is, or who she was with the other night, or why anyone would be looking for her. Henry tries to rough up some information, but no dice – and it gets them almost chased out, while Gregoire’s lackey looks on.

Some guy comes out of the bar right after them, and they follow him because…? Vicki says something about someone will warn Angelique or something, but, like, no? What? Why? Why would the next guy leaving the bar be headed for her? I don’t get any of this, but sure enough, dude leads them to Angelique, whose lines are being run backwards to make it sound more “voodoo-y” when she’s “whispering incantations”, as the captions tell me. But she turns around and gives us some much needed exposition instead.

Her parents were a priest and priestess; she and her brother were supposed to follow in their footsteps. They were killed by the “dark faction” of their religion, and now her brother is missing and she’s being stalked by that same faction.

Vicki offers help immediately, and Henry pulls her aside to yell at her that this is super duper dangerous. Just like the demon was. I’m getting the feeling just like everything will be. Can these guys just let Vicki live her life? Damn, y’all. She’s grown. She can make her own decisions. Stop yelling at her.

Vicki ignores him, of course, and takes Angelique back to her office, because at least she can keep an eye on her there. Coreen immediately asks to be initiated into a spiritual practice she has zero claim to, and Angelique shuts her down because “the spirits are not to be toyed with” but honestly, Coreen, it’s racist af. Please stop appropriating: there are plenty of white people spiritual practices you can look up on your own time. I’m a witch, I know.

Henry and Vicki go to the station to see Mike, who was running down Henri Gregoire in the PD databases for Vicki. Before he can tell her that there were zero pops for her guy, Mike has to get in some snobby jabs at Henry for being a “cartoonist”, and Henry has to be a jerk about it, and I’m glad you boys could get your dicks properly measured today, but now they have to go back in your pants.

a Reductress headline that says, "Why I stopped Meditating and Started Screaming"

Gregoire is a ghost, Vicki tells the boys to STFU, and it’s back to the JuJu Lounge which, despite its being after hours, is still unlocked, the bartender dead, and the zombie suddenly lurching up from the floor to attack our heroes. They manage to impale the guy and leave him pinned to a wall, groaning and moving still. Vicki apologizes to Henry for almost getting him killed, despite that not actually happening, and then she demands to know why he’s so touchy about voodoo, because clearly his wanting her to drop this case is personal, because he’s so heated about it? despite his being exactly as heated as in the last episodes about demons? buh?

Chris Hemsworth as Thor saying, "I have no idea what's going on" — like, none, y’all

Anyway, in the last round of 20s, he went to Haiti with a woman he met in Paris, and she was killed by voodoo practitioners and turned into a zombie, apparently. Whoopdeshit. I mean, like, if this story were true, I would feel for him, but I’m pretty sure that it’s a pile of racist horseshit, so I’m pretty over this episode, honestly.

The next evening, Vicki heads to the precinct to tell Mike she can’t make their dinner date (but she could show up? sure), but he did find some more out about Gregoire – though “more”, here, is very generous. Dude runs a little magic shop and sells potions and spells to people, and no one wants to talk about him or what he does, really. Mike asks Vicki how this guy is connected to the body, and she says zombies, and Mike gets mad again.

kristen wiig in bridesmaids saying "are you fucking kidding me?"

Vicki tells him she’s not shutting him out of the cases, he just refuses to believe her. She says that she’s been exposed to a whole new side of life, and if he can’t accept that, that’s fine – but it’s going to look like she’s withholding if he doesn’t want to hear about it.

So Mike immediately tells his partner to run a background check on Henry. “For the case”. Which Graham (the partner) questions just as quickly, calling Mike out that this has more to do with Vicki than with the case. Mike denies it, vehemently, but Graham’s right, Mike. Graham’s right.

Vicki tells Coreen and Angelique that she’s headed down to Gregoire’s shop, and Angelique gives her a bracelet “for protection”. Coreen asks for help with her love juju – she’s trying to attract Henry (though she doesn’t say it outright), and Angelique tells her that they should start from scratch on the juju. I have to assume this will do something later, because otherwise it seems weird to include, especially with Angelique’s neutral-to-almost-angry expression while Coreen asks for help turning to a radiant, perhaps expectant smile as Angelique suggests a new spell. We’ll see.

Henry and Vicki show up at the shop – it’s where Gregoire keeps his bone throne.

Gregoire throws his voice to taunt them and sends the zombie – yes, the one they impaled, still walking around, because magic, I guess – to lurch at them ineffectually. When he finally shows himself, he says that Angelique is the “dark faction”, and that he had to take her brother, because they were terrorizing people. Angelique needs to go, too, because she eats little kids’ hearts to stay young and she’s going to bring her brother back from the dead.

And true to form, Angelique removes Coreen’s mouth when Coreen objects to the spell Angelique is doing – clearly not a love juju. Gregoire’s zombie falls, and Gregoire tells Vicki that she’s wearing a bandeau that is killing him – the bracelet Angelique gave her. He hands over the amulet with Royal’s soul in it (yes, yes, it’s ridiculous) right before he dies, and Vicki and Henry rush home to save Coreen.

Angelique has made a doll of Vicki with hair from her brush, and of course it works. She wants the amulet, and of course Vicki refuses. Angelique says she can wait another night, but will Vicki survive? And then she’s gone, with the doll. Coreen’s mouth comes back, and they regroup to plan to get the doll back and figure out where Royal is buried – that’s where Angelique will have to go to bring him back.

Gregoire and his zombie have been found, so Mike calls Vicki to see what’s up. She tells him, and he’s mad again, because she’s “lying” again, and he hangs up on her.

But he doesn’t have time to stew! Henry’s background check came back! And it appears Henry needs to hire some better guys: he has perfect credit and no other records. Dude, that’s sus af. All the red flags just went up for Mike, and I’m sure only good things can come of that. /s

Vicki, despite being “eaten” by a “grave bug” that Angelique put on the doll, heads off to the cemetery Coreen found. Henry follows after sunset, after asking Coreen where Vicki went. He thinks to bring salt to scupper any spells.

Obviously Angelique is already there, set up to bring Royal back, and Henry walks right in with the amulet, like a dumbass. So Angelique has Royal’s body, Royal’s soul, and the sacrifice of Vicki – though not for long. Henry breaks away from her guard, grabs the doll and removes the bug. Vicki hits Angelique over the head and crushes the amulet, so the half-alive corpse grabs Angelique, the crypt starts to fall apart, and Henry and Vicki escape.

Mike stops by the office the next morning, fresh off the crime scene at the cemetery. He asks if Vicki was there, and she fobs it off with a half sort of denial, but HE’S STILL MAD AT HER ABOUT IT.

So they go to breakfast, the end.

Not the best episode of television I’ve ever watched, but also not the worst. Yes, it was racist and badly researched and derivative, but the dialogue was good, the plot kept a-moving, and all the details were relevant later on, so at least it was a competent episode of television, which is more than we can say for a lot of things. *cough* Moonlight *cough*

Hopefully the next one will be better, and at some point, Mike Celluci’s nards will get kicked. That’s all a girl can ask for, I think!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E2: Blood Price Part 2, Electric Boogaloo

Posted on August 27, 2021 by Catherine Winters

SGRoA post 90 of 122

Been a slow week around here, Snowflakes: just the usual grocery store and laundry folding. So let’s jump right back in!

When we left off, Henry had taken an unconscious Vicki from the park where the latest serial killer/demon victim was. This ep picks up right there, with Henry going through Vicki’s purse as she slowly comes to on his couch. He has a big ol’ portrait of dear old Dad on the wall. There’s a lot of exposition here, everything from Henry not being the killer to Vicki’s RP to the fact that a demon is the killer, and Vicki is skeptical. It’s deftly done, and nicely sets up Henry’s gentle insistence and Vicki’s automatic defensiveness. She demands to know why Henry’s on this case, too, and he just comes right out with it: He’s a vampire.

a black kitten wearing bat wings and fangs — pictured: Henry

He tries to prove his vampyness to her, but she passes it off as a trick. She won’t be easy to convince – though she fears she might be more credulous than she used to be.

Mike finds Vicki’s glasses at the scene. He calls her, but of course she’s not answering, because Henry’s convincing her to team up. He tells her to take the day and think about it, but not to give up his secret. “Who’d believe me?” she says, and heads home.

Where she finds Mike sitting at her desk. He’s worried about her, he’s mad she’s still sticking her nose in, and he’s afraid she’s going to end up a victim of the “serial killer”. She reacts with nothing but hostility, and Mike leaves – only to immediately get harassed by his boss, who is wildly unhappy both with the media attention on the case, and with the rumors that Vicki is involved. Mike lies and says she’s not, but even if she were, she cleared almost every homicide she ever worked, so how bad would that be? Fucking very, says Mike’s boss, and stalks away.

a tabby kitten with floppy ears pointed at the ground. he looks sad — man, tough material for recapping today!

Vicki shows up at Henry’s, since she’s definitely not giving up this case, and Celluci is not an option in like 10 different ways. Might as well work with Henry, Duke of Richmond, as she figures out when he claims the Hank 8 portrait is a “family photo”. He’s impressed at her history knowledge, and she says she minored in it. He writes and illustrates graphic novels, and she admires his wall of work before getting down to the nitty-gritty: telling her about demons.

Flashback Time! The dudes in robes have been the Hellfire Club, that 18th-century group of rich assholes who had nothing better to do than summon demons.

There is a lot of very bad special effects here, and I absolutely love them. The rich dudes are trying to sacrifice Henry to a demon, and the demon is so janky looking, it’s amazing. They really should just have had Henry tell the story. But anyway, he knows it’s the same demon because it has the same scent? or knows it’s a demon at all, because of the scent? It’s a little unclear, and there’s a lot of Christian talk about hell and demons and corruption of the soul and the end of the world and shit. It all comes down to finding the person calling the demons, and they can do that by tracking recent thefts of luxury goods – because demons don’t make riches, they can only deliver them.

So Henry tells Vicki to get on it, he has other stuff to do, and then there’s a weird moment at the door when they almost kiss? but she says it’ll look like she’s robbing the cradle? but she’s like 30 and he’s clearly in his 20s? Oh and some bonus fatphobia about Queen Victoria, because of course, I forget how everything had to tell us how bad it was to be fat for a while there.

captain kathryn janeway, rolling her eyes

Coreen is going slightly insane, telling anyone and everyone that her boyfriend was killed by a vampire, and she’s gonna prove it – she complains about Vicki’s progress, only to go to work and tell one of the regulars the same thing, while Demon Guy – Victor? was that his name? – takes her photo with his shiny new camera.

Vicki heads to the PD to track down stolen goods. Mike isn’t buying it, but she swears, no more vamp case. She’s just tracking down a stolen car. He lets her get away with it.

Demon Guy’s demon didn’t get to drink the last girl’s blood – or not enough, at any rate. Demon Guy says it’s not his problem. Demon says it was a meddling vampire, but it won’t be a problem again, and certainly not when the next demon gets here.

Vicki’s narrowed down the Demon Guy’s “purchases” to an area around the university, but Henry says it’s not narrow enough, and does a spell that Vicki calls “demon GPS” and that shows them where the demon is: a park, hunting his next vic.

Vicki and Henry head down there, and since they have to walk around to find the demon, we get Henry’s origin story. He actually wanted to be changed! But his kind of vamps can’t share hunting grounds, so eventually their relationship ended, but it doesn’t seem he regrets being a vamp at all, and HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH!

A scream, a yell, a scuffle: they’ve found their demon. Henry jumps right in and fights, the victim runs away, Vicki helps a little, but Henry is wounded by the demon pretty badly. Holy crap! WE HAVE FEEDING FROM THE MAIN CHARACTER! No hesitation, no terrible speeches, no nonsense about how terrible/wonderful/bad/good/sexy it is! Just an arm, a chomp, and enough blood to get him home.

The potential vic from last night is talking to Graham and Celluci, and talks about the demon, Henry, and “the chick” – who Celluci correctly pings as Vicki. Everything is weirdly blue again, because it’s daytime, and the blue filter continues as we circle back to Henry’s doorman, whittling a stake at his security booth to…ward off vampire killers? Kill them? But his first stop is Henry’s apartment? and he has fangs? I have no idea what’s going on here, but Vicki fobs him off by pretending she has Henry in a compromising position back in the bedroom, because the sun’s still up and he’s dead. Well, mostly dead; he wakes as Vicki comes back into the room and since he’s now healed – no weirdness about the blood drinking, no endless speeches about what it means for their rELatiONshIP, I love this show so fucking much – they can get on with the investigation.

Which takes them back to the university, since they’re pretty sure it’s a student who’s controlling the demons. Henry knows a woman who works there, and she’s gorgeous and in her 60s. She calls Vicki Henry’s “new friend”, but he steers her away from that deftly. She has her oars dipped in the occult goings-on, and if they give her a little time, she’ll come up with a few names of kids who are doing perhaps a bit more than dabbling.

Celluci wants Vicki to come in for a lineup, since skate-kid says she was at the crime scene last night – apparently someone actually died? That wasn’t clear. I’m sad he didn’t get away. She’s not going to go, but she does tell him that she’s running down some names, and she’ll keep him in the loop. Henry wants to know what the story is with Mike, but she just says she doesn’t know anymore. He doesn’t press – for now. But he does ask that if she finds the killer before sundown, that she won’t try to take him herself. She agrees, reluctantly.

Vicki gives Mike the list she got from Professor Lady, and clues him in to the red Porsche Norman – not Victor, don’t know where I got that – had stolen. Which should be helpful, as Norman is using the beautiful blue day to harass Coreen, standing by his car. He tells her he believes her about the vampires, and he says he knows who killed her boyfriend, and he can prove it to her. She just has to go to his apartment with him. She’s hesitant, but only for a moment; she does, at least, call Vicki and leave a message that she’s going with “this guy named Norman” to learn about the murder.

Of course, she’s in the car for like point-three seconds and Norman’s chloroforming her. Jesus, dude. Slow down. We’ve gone “slightly pressuring lie” to “tied up in my apartment while I summon a demon” in way less than 10 seconds. Good thing Vicki got the message and put it together with her list! Bad thing she didn’t hear Norman coming up behind her and now she’s the final sacrifice!

But! GOOD thing Vicki has left a message on Henry’s voicemail, and told him the address! So Henry wakes up, grabs his grimoire, and heads out to vanquish demons. Just another Tuesday, yeah?

Norman starts the ritual and the terrible SFX demon from Flashback Time shows up; he needs Norman to kill Vicki so he can fully enter this plane, but Henry and his grimoire have shown up to scream Latin at the demon, and Vicki ruins the salt circle, and then Norman gets eaten by the demon. Kind of a disappointing climax, honestly, even with Mike showing up just as the demon was giving his parting threats, and now needs an explainer.

I’m guessing it was better in the book, but at least it wasn’t too drawn out. They knew the limitations of their SFX; they reined it in. You have to respect that.

In our de-now-ment, as Michael Hobbes would say, we get Coreen hiring herself to be Vicki’s assistant, and Vicki agreeing, which seems nice! Coreen seems weird, but sweet. On the sidewalk outside Vicki’s office/house, she runs into Henry and says they should keep in touch, but he dips as soon as Mike pulls up, and Vicki walks away with him to get dinner, while Henry keeps mysterious watch from behind a lamppost.

AND I’M SO HYPE FOR NEXT WEEK, Y’ALL! This show is so much better than I remembered! I know the jokes are thin on the ground, but honestly, I was pretty swept up in the plot and the decent dialogue and the interesting characterization and – well, I mean, in it just being a good show! Are the special effects laughable? Yes. Is the blue filter for daylight a choice? It certainly is.

IS IT ANYWHERE AS BAD AS MOONLIGHT? fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, no!

Josephine, get off the internet!

Posted on August 22, 2021 by Catherine Winters

This was a comment on a hot chocolate recipe reposted to Reddit. She thinks no one knows it’s her.

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E1: Blood Price, Part One, Triumphant Return Edition

Posted on August 20, 2021 by Catherine Winters

SGRoA post 89 of 122

Yo yo yo yo! How are you bitches? I took a little vacation from the recapping scene to recover from Moonlight, which I think we can all agree was extremely warranted. But I’m back! I’m recovered! I’m ready to get back in the game with our newest offering: Blood Ties!

Blood Ties is a 2007 series that aired on Lifetime, based on the series by Tanya Huff, a fucking LEGEND in vampire fiction circles. I read a bunch of these, but honestly, might go looking for them again, since I don’t own them. Our main character, Vicki Nelson, is a detective-turned-PI when she’s diagnosed with Retinitis Pigmentosa, which ruins her night vision first, and I believe she slowly loses more vision over the series? but I could be misremembering that part.

Anyway, she teams up with Henry Fitzroy, bastard son of Henry VIII and a vampire! And they solve crimes and have adventures and I loved, loved, loved this show when it first ran, so I hope it holds up. I had only a very vague recollection of Moonlight, and I think I understand why after a rewatch, so here’s hoping my fond memories of Vicki and Henry aren’t also misremembering! Let’s get started!

We open with Vicki walking down the street, talking to her mom. Vicki is played by one of our very own recurring guest stars: Christina Cox!

You may remember her from her TWO appearances on Forever Knight, as both a traffic cop and Jeanne d’Arc, and IIRC she was in a Moonlight ep, wasn’t she? (I’m already wiping it from my memory, with only this blog to serve as a grim reminder of what I must never watch again.) Anyway, she’s talking to her mom and serving up some bad dialogue to let us know her mom is on her case about finding a husband. Boring, but it was on Lifetime, so, you know.

Meanwhile, in a basement somewhere, a dude is chanting in Latin in a candle-lit room. Seems to be summoning a demon, I think? I mean, nothing good is going to come of this, regardless of demonic existence. We cut to a dude walking down the street on his phone, and he sees a guy in a long coat, which he says is cool to whoever he’s on the phone with. And then there’s some super weird editing nonsense, but in a nutshell: Long Coat attacks Dude on phone, across the street from where Vicki is standing.

She darts into traffic because she wants to help Dude, obviously, but also because she hasn’t really changed her life to deal with her RP. Long Coat is already gone, of course, because this is set up like a vampire attack, and Vicki is mystified as we head into our opening credits and rockin’ theme. (All of these people have insanely chiseled chins, it’s bizarre.)

Hokay, so! Vicki calls it in, looks like Dude is dead. Detectives Graham and Celluci have caught the case, and Vicki mutters about Celluci. My money is on former partner that will be a maybe love-interest, especially since he’s played very handsomely by Dylan Neal:

Graham – Celluci’s new partner – has heard a lot about Vicki, who is apparently a legend for running through partners like water. She fires back that she wonders how long Graham’s going to last, so my money is now solidly on the “fractious ex-partners, maybe lovers” trope for Vicki and Celluci.

Vicki gives her statement, and then she and Celluci start fighting about it because we have to lean really hard on dialogue to establish character here, for some reason. We could have understood the bickering even if it weren’t shouted like they were a football field apart. Shame no one let the audience do their job. But, turns out that this murder is “just like the other one”, though Celluci refuses to tell Vicki any more about that, because she can’t expect to be treated like a cop anymore.

At her office the next day, a goth girl comes in demanding to know what happened last night, because “you were there!” Turns out, Dude was her boyfriend, and she knows who killed him – a vampire. Her name’s Coreen, his was Ian, and she wants Vicki to help her find the vamp who did it.

Vicki is obviously skeptical, but she takes the case – though she says she’ll only put a few days into it unless something really pops. And she warns Coreen that probably, nothing will.

Meanwhile, a vampire is getting a woman out of his bed and out of his apartment with a little good sex followed by a bite and a little innocent hypnotism. Once she’s gone – happily and alive! – he heads out for something. His doorman stops him for chitchat on the way out, mentioning the “vampire murders” he read about in the paper. Vamp Dude overreacts to that, yelling about how vampires aren’t real and the people who write that kind of shit are “idiots!” The doorman is like, uh, yeah, sure boss, whatever, and then Vamp Dude walks out with his newspaper.

This has to be Henry.

Vicki is back in the alley, scene of the attack, at night for some reason, but at least she has a flashlight this time. She takes a pic of what looks like some sort of sigil on the wall, and heads further down for clues. Behind her is Henry, right on time, to pass his hand over the sigil and Flashback for us ever-so-briefly, to being held down by men in black robes, chanting Latin. Vicki turns from collecting something out of a crack in the wall and hails Henry, but he uses a passing van to disappear before she can ask him anything.

Next stop is the medical examiner’s office! Mysteries are nothing if not predictable, which is probably why Moonlight pissed me off so much. There’s a formula! There’s beats to hit! Blood Ties is certainly doing its job in that respect. The ME is more involved in solving the kid’s murder than that Vicki isn’t technically a cop anymore, so she lets Vicki sit in on her preliminary examination. She confirms that there was another murder just like this, victims punctured by something super-sharp, both drained of blood. Vicki gives her the stuff she pulled out of the wall; a quick test confirms it’s blood. If the ME finds anything else, she’ll let Vicki know.

Demon Summoner Dude – Norman – is hanging out at the coffee shop where, surprise surprise, Coreen works. He has a sketchbook full of her, and some friends trying to say hi. He brushes them off – no time to hang with undergrads, he’s going through changes, he’s going to end up with the money and cars and girlfriend. They’ll see.

Coreen comes around and he settles up the bill with a huge tip. The friends wonder where he got all that money, but he just mentions again that “things are changing”. It is clear that Coreen doesn’t know him and isn’t interested, and I’m annoyed that we have been writing incel villains for roughly forever and it’s changed absolutely nothing about incel behavior. Delightful. Love it.

Celluci calls Vicki’s office to bother her about her visit to the ME – who’s actually a coroner, sorry, she didn’t even get a name in that scene, so, y’know. Vicki suggests sharing their info on the case, and Celluci says sure, meet me for dinner. She’s a little surprised, but agrees.

Norman goes home to an apartment full of arcade games and a jukebox, opens the door to his demon room, and summons his pet demon guy. Norman demands more of everything – more money, new clothes, a Porsche. His cockney demon says that he knows what it costs – “blood and souls”. Norman says yeah, I know, go do your thing, and the demon scampers away.

Celluci and Vicki get Chinese takeout and Mike (Celluci’s much-easier-to-type first name) doesn’t want to give up the goods on the case. It’s too hot, the info can’t get out, she knows better! Then he starts telling her she should try yoga for her RP.

Not literally, but, like, he’s telling her all about the latest research or some shit. She calls him out on it and he says he just “cares” about her, and if she’d just made some simple adjustments, she could have lived “a completely normal life!”

The fuck, dude?! No, for real, the fuck? I hope I’m not supposed to like this guy, because I really, really do not.

Mike makes her a deal: she tells him why she’s on this case, he’ll tell her SOME of what he knows. She makes him go first: they assume a perp on drugs, a razor for a weapon, the blood is ritualistic. Occult. Standard nonsense. Vicki gives up that she’s working for Coreen, and that she thinks a vampire did it. Mike dismisses it immediately, but Vicki points out that the blood had to go somewhere, and she didn’t see a blood vacuum at the scene when she was there. But then again, vampires are ridiculous, so clearly that’s not a real option. Let’s have another beer.

Our third victim gets into her car in a garage, and is promptly taken out by the demon – who stabs her with a sharpened fingernail. A claw?

Vicki had too many beers: she and Mike are making out at her cab. She says something teasingly mean, and he puts her in the cab without another word.

Henry is reading his paper at a diner; the waitress says vampires are a sign the city is world-class. She never mentions the city, but I remember this being Toronto, and in that case, girl, where have you been? That shizz is overrun with vamps. Vamps out the wazoo. Vamps out our ears. Vamps from here to the dance floor (to understand this joke, please see the 1990s Noah Baumbach movie, “Kicking and Screaming”).

He leaves and heads to a club, where Vicki is waiting outside to get in. From the clubwear of the patrons, I’m guessing this is a goth hangout, and thus both our protagonists are here to check up on Ian and Coreen’s friends and enemies. It is not, unfortunately, The Raven.

Vicki gets in and Henry asks her immediately what she’s doing there, with something like gloss on the words, but Vicki shakes him off and leaves. Henry stops a waiter next, and asks him about Ian; waiter says he had words with two guys, and Henry goes to talk to the guys. Real toughies, too, probably think they’re going to rob him or some junk. Oh, Ian was a waiter here, too. Henry establishes that they didn’t kill Ian – they aren’t that kind of evil – and of course has to beat his way out of the situation.

Vicki asks at the bar about Ian, and gets the same story from the bartender. He calls over other waiter about the two guys, and other waiter says they all went outside, so Vicki follows. She finds the guys, but no Henry, and no memories.

Guys, this show is pretty good, I am digging it! It can’t hurt that it’s based on actual books that were actually edited and already made sense, of course, and some of these directing and editing choices are a little weird, but it’s a pilot! I’m just so relieved that we’re back on more Forever Knight-esque footing than whatever-the-fuck Moonlight was. It’s like sinking into a featherbed after a long day of hard work.

So it’s late, and Henry gets caught by the sun just before he makes it home. The doorman comments on his hand being burned – “I was making a friend dinner” – and Henry flees upstairs. Pretty standard lore exposition, but I can’t fault them for using a winning formula.

Graham and Celluci talk to the hot dog vendor who found the third vic, and the light is…bizarre. It’s daytime, sun shining, but there’s a blue filter over everything? Like, more than Twilight, even? It makes me wonder about day-for-night shooting: like, maybe they’re making the daylight shots look purposely strange so the night stuff, when it’s not really night, might not look bad? Or something? Because it continues into the next scene with Norman trying some PUA shit on a college girl, and it’s just like

Anyway, aside from everything being blue, I spotted a BMO Bank of Montreal, so yeah, we’re in Canada. And Vicki’s back at the coroner’s. The blood in the crack was Ian’s blood, and there was a substance on the victims’ throats like saliva. And the cells under the third vic’s nails is almost like batwing, but not quite. Seems like maybe a vampire – “Count Dracula on a bender?” says Vicki. Probably not, says the coroner – but then again, who knows?

I haven’t really been covering the banter here, but this cast already gets along well with each other. Vicki and Mike, Mike and Graham, even Henry and his doorman – everyone gets some quips, some jibes, a little chance to show the relationships. These people get along with each other, they like each other. It makes us more likely to like them, too; even Mike and his stupid yoga.

Vicki pops into the station to talk to Mike about the coroner’s report. He shoots down the vampire talk, but Vicki says she can’t just dismiss that it might be something weird. She storms off to continue her investigation, and Mike is annoyed that she’s not giving up.

Henry is at the scene of the third murder, where that same sigil is on one of the walls. Another brief flashback. This sigil is bad news bears, y’all.

Which is why Vicki is investigating it. She asks Coreen about the pentagram in it, because when she plots the murders, they could be three points on a pentagram. She calls Celluci to tell him she thinks she knows where the next murder could be – just as Norman starts to summon and Henry has drawn his own pentagram, so we can get everyone nearer to the big climax.

Slight problem, though: Norman needs a more powerful demon to get Coreen. Current demon tells him that he needs to do a couple more murders, and then a sacrifice right in the center of the pentagram, and they can get the big guy to get him the girl. Norman says to make it happen, no matter.

The fourth vic screams in the park where demon runs into her; both Vicki and Henry come a-running. The demon is scared off, but not before he tells Henry that his master is “coming for you!” Then he explodes into bats, which is pretty cool. Henry goes to the girl, but she’s already been slashed and is dead. Too bad that’s when Vicki finally gets there; she thinks Henry’s her guy. She threatens him with a nightstick, so he charges her, and when she can actually see his vamped-out face, she faints.

Which is when the police show up, so Henry flees – with an unconscious Vicki still in his arms.

And that’s Part One! I thought about doing both parts of the pilot, but I am old and tired, and I can’t actually sit still that long. But! Perhaps! I will drop an extra recap this weekend, if you’re all good little Snowflakes.

See you next week!

SGRoA: Moonlight, S1 E16: Sonata, Final Edition

Posted on July 22, 2021 by Catherine Winters

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Do – do y’all hear that? In the distance, is it… synthesizers? Fog machines? A LASER SHOW?!

Alas, our time with Moonlight is coming to its end. We’ll talk about the next show at the end here – and I’ll post a poll on Twitter – but this is our very last episode. *tear* Let’s get right to the absolutely-not-good stuff!

Josef is getting honored for giving a buncha money to a college. Josef has a really high media profile for a vampire, but that’s what we don’t love about this show: its unending inattention to making sense. This apparently is the “fancy party” episode of the series, because as we all know, every television series must produce a fancy party episode, a spooky episode (usually near Halloween), a 40s episode (almost always black and white) and a Very Special episode. Hence: Josef being honored, to give us a fancy party.

Beth loves it, because it’s “just like my high school prom!”

a fuzzy orange cat with text reading "excuse me while I barf in my mouth"

Josef has a human date, one of his lawyers who is also a donor, and Scottie from Mad Men, and that lady from Suits! And I’m sure she’s onto something else now, but this is just an opportunity for more ridiculous lore – this time with a side of gross! Mick explains that they call blood donors “freshies” (barf) and Beth asks if it’s like sex work (barf) and then thank god there’s a fight on the other side of the room.

Hank needs to “cool it”, and he almost gets tossed for fighting with Dominic. Oh, these guys are basketball players (something something retiring a jersey because fancy party). Dominic is the retiree, I guess? and his managers are vampires, and Josef is a big fan. These vamp managers have been married – and I’mma guess this wet sock of a show means monogamously – for 150 motherfuckin’ years.

Data the android laughing on the bridge of the Enterprise-D

Sorry, y’all, the idea of monogamously married vampires is fuckin’ HILARIOUS, come the fuck on. Plenty of people can’t be monogamous in a normal human lifetime, I don’t understand how anyone can think that immortals hew to some bizarre and, frankly, almost impossible standard of human fidelity.

Beth and Mick dance and make small talk about the vampire marriage (snerk), and then a woman screams, and the captions tell me that “machinery whirs”. Thanks, captions. I didn’t hear that at all. Good job!

Dominic is dead, and Scottie – her name is Simone, here – is in the room with him. “I didn’t do it!” she says, and Fancy Party Time is over.

Her story is, Josef was eating from her, and she went into the bathroom to clean up, because Josef is apparently a savage who doesn’t close his puncture wounds! So she’s washing off the blood (and I’m wondering how she’s going to fucking hide these enormous bitemarks) when someone runs behind her, so fast we (and she) don’t see, and then there’s a thud and then there’s a body. Dominic is in one of the therapy tubs (it’s a training gym bathroom, so).

Beth is interviewing her, and of course the talk turns to vamps. Beth asks if Simone is afraid Josef will turn her; Simone says he’s careful, but sometimes she wonders…. But no, no, of course she doesn’t want to be turned. Because we can’t have a show with unrepentant vamps! We can’t have a show where vampirism looks good! We can’t have a show where people have their own, individual and complicated, reasons for wanting or not wanting immortality! If we did any of that, people might think it’s okay to – what? What is vampirism a metaphor for, here, exactly? Is it still sex, like it was for Stoker? All vamp shows still have to remind us not to be sluts? Is it about the killing? Since when does America give a flying fuck about violence – other than, there’s simply never enough of it? It’s certainly not about the wealth-hoarding, because we also have no issue with that.

I mean, I’m honestly asking, here, because I’m honestly just noticing this to the point that it needed to be a little rant. Why CAN’T vampires like themselves? Why CAN’T people want to be them, want to be with them? Why CAN’T they be shown in a variety of circumstances, not simply “evil, dead, and loving it” or “tortured soul who drinks from gravy boats”? I WANT NUANCED VAMPIRES, DAMMIT!

Josef is… mad??? he’s not in the papers?? but Dominic’s death is? Again: Josef has a weirdly high media profile for a vampire! And I write a vampire with another weirdly high media profile, but I made sure he doesn’t fucking like it!

Ugh, y’all, it’s so hot, I’m afraid I’m just complaining. I’mma take a little smoke break… yeah, that’s the ticket. OK! Let’s get back into it and maybe I’ll come up with some actual jokes, here, jeez.

Josef’s a little squirrely about all the vampires involved, and maybe a little irrationally jealous about Simone maybe seeing Dominic. Mick is surprised he’d get that attached.

Beth goes to talk to the vampire manager couple about Dominic and Simone’s relationship, and she can’t shut the fuck up about her husband, but at least he asked to be turned, and she seems to have zero shame about it.

Dominic and Hank were super competitive, not just on the court. Vamp lady says that Dominic was playing the field, women-wise, but Hank was convinced that he, himself, should be getting more playing time than Dominic, which is plenty of motive.

Oh, prediction: I think VampLady was doing Dominic, and VampHusband killed him. We’ll see.

Mick goes to see Guillermo in the morgue. Oh, Guillermo. You were one of the most normal parts of this show. That… is depressing. Anyway, Dominic’s neck was broken, no sign of vamp involvement. He also had had sex right before he died, and there was a foreign blood sample on him, presumably the partner’s.

Simone and Josef are waiting at Mick’s place. She maintains there was no sexual relationship, and that her blood type doesn’t match the sample, so OF COURSE Josef has to let Mick taste her to prove it and then Beth walks in on the weird VFV threesome. I knew there was too much relevant plot. Time for a relationship fight while they go talk to Hank!

I don’t care. I cannot give a shit about this universe’s vampire blood/sex mores, or Beth’s weirdness, or everyone’s obsession with monogamy, so. Hank’s roommate says Hank hasn’t been around in months, and Mick says he’s lying, and so he shouts to tip off Hank, who runs only out to the lawn. Mick catches him.

Guillermo got hold of the blood sample; it’s vamp blood.

Mick goes to talk to VampHusband. The cheerleader Dominic was with on party night is a vampire, so Mick goes to talk to her next. She fucked him, but not the night he died.

They drag Hank into an interrogation with New Josh, and he says that “SHE killed Dominic”, and uh-oh! I did not account for jealousy, so NEW THEORY: VampLady was fucking him, and didn’t like that he was fucking other girls, and she killed him. I maintain the Leonardo is justified.

OOOOH, Hank saw VampLady VAMPED OUT! The plot sluggishly tries to thicken!

New Josh and Beth go to arrest her, and she’s throwing furniture at them as Mick shows up. He’s able to subdue her, and tells her to think of VampHusband, and to stop showing the humans what she is, and they take her into custody – which is the real problem of this episode, if you care about the characters.

Beth and Mick go to their house to… I don’t know, tell VampHusband, I guess? because he comes out with drinks – tap water for Beth, and what looks like fuckin’ cold blood in a glass for him and Mick.

They bring VampHusband down to talk to VampLady, and there’s a weird scene where Mick eavesdrops on their conversation, which is mostly about how she cheated. Ridiculous. The musical cues tell me it’s supposed to be touching, but then she’s threatening to expose all the vamps in LA if they don’t get her out of jail? While we’re at it – why is she in jail in the first place? These people are millionaires, if not billionaires, and should have the resources simply to flee when they’ve killed – Was it that she didn’t want her husband to know, so she just played dumb, like a dummy? The motivations here, the reactions to things – these are the decisions of foolish humans, let alone vampires, who absolutely should know better. I’m somehow amazed that this show sinks ever further into the insensible muck.

Simone and Beth have a convo about the VFV. Mick and Josef have a convo about Josef liking Simone.

you’ve heard of autistic excellence? autistic surliness. just as good.

Beth goes to Mick’s and he can’t let her in: vampire business. She’s pissed because she’s not involved; the vamps inside are pissed that Mick let VampLady get taken into custody. They think that the cops are going to come and round them up if she talks?

They think. that the cops. are going to come rouND THEM UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS FUCKING SHOW? NO HUMAN BEING HAS EVER ACTED LIKE THIS! NONE!

And now it’s a gotdamn heist! Because they have to get her out of jail! BECAUSE OTHERWISE THE COPS WILL COME ROUND THEM UP!

And in case it isn’t obvious – because it might not be, and that’s cool, I don’t mind – the reason this is so, just, unbelievable is that cops are not going to believe her about being a vampire. They will not believe that any other people are vampires. Even if she proves it to them, vamps out in front of them, MOST OF THEM will react the way humans always do to the strange and unusual: THEY WILL LIE TO THEMSELVES ABOUT IT.

Humans will not believe the evidence of their own eyes if it is difficult, or inconvenient, or triggering, or scary, or any number of very real, very emotional, very demonstrable reasons. Eyewitnesses SUCK. People will just turn away and declare they didn’t see it, and after a while, that will be the truth for them.

The cops are not going to round up vampires. The cops are not going to believe there ARE vampires. This is a non-threat, and the fact that it’s the big climax of the episode, with everyone involved in this stupid escape plan, really is the perfect moldy cherry to throw on the top of the shit sundae this series has been.

Anyway. VampLady’s sentenced to death – by the vampire cleaning service – and VampHusband goes with her. But in true Moonlight fashion, someone thought this was good enough to get a second season, and someone’s dropped off the list of vampires to New Josh.

Oh, and Beth and Mick break up, but immediately get back together, because of course they do.

AND IT’S OVER! Thank god! I was gonna start looking up the writers and cyberbullying them.

So that just leaves our next series! I have three options: Blood Ties, a one-season series from Lifetime, from a book series, about a disabled woman and Henry Fitzroy, bastard son of Henry VIII, in modern-day Toronto (home of the vamps!); Grimm, about a Portland cop who realizes the world is not quite what it seems, and among us walk shifters from fairytales, and he’s supposed to kill them; or Evil, about a psychologist working with a Catholic Church team who investigate possible exorcisms.

Like I said, I’mma put a poll up on Twitter, and of course please comment here! If nobody chimes in, I’ll have to ask the cards, and they’re usually so obtuse it hardly seems worth it.

Have a great week, Snowflakes! I’mma go get high enough to erase Moonlight from my memory FOREVER!

SGRoA: Moonlight, S1 E15: What’s Left Behind

Posted on July 15, 2021 by Catherine Winters

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I mean. Brains, plots, common sense, character development… Oh, wait, they probably don’t mean what the writers left behind, do they? Ah, well, can’t blame a girl for getting confused. Let’s get started!

Continue reading →

SGRoA: Moonlight, S1 E14: Click

Posted on July 8, 2021 by Catherine Winters

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Third to last episode, Snowflakes! Very excited to move on to something different. I’m about 90% sold on doing GRIMM after this – branching out in my urban fantasy takes – but I am 100% open to suggestions all the time! (Obviously I’d prefer anything streaming, especially if it’s available on one of the “big” services – Netflix, Hulu, Amazon. And obviously I pay for Paramount+, because Star Trek – hey, do y’all watch EVIL? I have been digging the crap out of that one….)

Anyway – let’s get started!

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SGRoA: Moonlight, S1 E13: Fated To Pretend

Posted on July 1, 2021 by Catherine Winters

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Ooh, lucky number 13! As a witch and always an odd one out (thanks, it’s the autism!), I like 13. I don’t have high hopes after last week’s vampire genocide reveal, because let’s be honest: that was one of the silliest things this very silly show has done. I guess they didn’t want to fill in with another Jack the Ripper episode, eh? I mean, it was good enough for Babylon 5, but not for you?

Oh, right, Mick’s still “human”. He’s brushing his teeth and sleeping in a bed and drinking coffee! I don’t care! If you hate being a vampire so much, if you think it’s so immoral and terrible and you simply can’t stand yourself, maybe consider ending it yourself? Like, Mick is a coward. I don’t think suicide for humans is a valid choice – I mean, people make it, but it’s terrible, and as someone who’s been there, I do know it gets better, and that it’s very possible to turn everything around – but a vampire? A VAMPIRE. If you fucking hate it that fucking much, jump in a fire, my dude! Ask a friend to cut your head off! Make a Rube Goldberg device!

But for the love of everything in this universe, STOP WHINING ABOUT IT.

Anyway. Mick’s at the beach with Beth. And he’s STILL COMPLAINING. Beth says it’s so nice to see him so happy, and it’s like a whole new him, but he’s all “NO! It’s the OLD ME – from before the CURSE that so vilely affected my LIFE and that I hate SO MUCH I never do anything about it!”

So Beth is totes over Josh already, because she’s in love with Mick, and has been for a while. This scene would be cute if any of these people were likable, but here we are.

Josef is remodeling his blown-apart office. Good there wasn’t any structural damage from those giant military grenades that killed everyone. Sounds very likely. He has two interior designers pitching him, and he hates everything they suggest, and then he yells at them to go away as Mick comes in. They were both women, and as they leave, he says, “Remodeling is a bitch,” making sure to look at the women as he says “bitch” all super drawn out. Thanks, Josef, we know you’re a misogynist. We don’t need reminding.

He follows it up by asking if Mick has “sealed the deal” with Beth yet. Fuckin’ gross, man. And this whole scene is pointless, it just gets Mick to “admit” he’s in love with Beth. Yeah, no shit, you’ve been stalking her since she was four – a fact against this relationship that NEVER COMES UP. The age gap comes up, the inter-species concerns come up, but never that Mick has had a weird obsession with Beth since she was traumatized by his ex-wife. Is this a function of time? Like, did we just not think any of this was noteworthy in 2007? Or is this show just very, very bad? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

Beth gets a call from her editor, who’s still micro-managing her and calls her down to the Buzzwire office after asking where she’s been all day. But uh-oh! Editor – whose name is Maureen – is dead at the ransacked office. Beth is screaming about it, and I can completely understand: who else is going to check her time cards now?!?!?!?!

Josh’s replacement shows up at the crime scene, because the ADA always goes to crime scenes. He immediately insults Buzzwire and Mick, and I like him. Maureen’s computer was missing, and Beth thinks it must be related. Fair assumption, for once. Beth and Mick go to the morgue to talk about the body with Guillermo; Maureen was around a vamp just before her death, but was shot in the head. Mick says the vamp shot her to make it look like a human crime, and he’s probably right because the writing is terrible, but we’ll see. I’d throw in a vamp red herring there, but I, like, know how to structure a mystery, so….

Mick and Beth then head off to Maureen’s apartment. Beth says Maureen was obsessive about backing stuff up and goes off to look for a thumb drive. She finds it in a box of tampons after a weird digression about where people hide stuff, and then the cat comes out! CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT – I’m sorry, I’m distracted.

They take the thumb drive to that vampire tech nerd, because the files are encrypted. The password is the cat’s name, of course. Some diet guru is dead of a heart attack (no duh, that’s what dieting does, it ruins your heart), but that’s not enough to kill over. A political scandal looks more promising, but what’s this about Josef? Sexual assault and harassment? Alas, no: charity fraud. Mick is convinced it’s not about Josef, but how likely is that?

They go to check it out, and turns out, no, Josef didn’t kill her. He makes at least three sex “jokes” while they talk.

Next up, the congressman. I think. Look, y’all, I have plans today and it’s 8am, so I’m not entirely awake, but I figure, that’s probably the best way to watch this thing. They show up at a press conference, I guess? Oh, wait, he’s a mayoral candidate. Which is big when you get to cities like LA. I’ve been vaguely following the NYC mayoral race and I live in Aurora, CO. (My mayor sucks absolute balls, thank god we’re not that big yet.)

Mick tries to talk to the dude, but his wrangler tells him that he’ll have to leave and tries to dodge him. Mick just follows them both to the door, telling Dude that someone thinks he set up the accident that kills his wife. Handler says that’s ridics and they leave.

Beth is at the diet guru’s place, trying to pin the death of the spokesmodel on the donuts, but Beth, the science has been in for decades: it doesn’t matter what food was on the diet, the act of intentionally restricting to lose weight will weaken your heart and make you prone to heart attacks. It’s why anorexic people die of heart attacks. It’s why a lot of fat people die of heart attacks – we’ve been dieting and weight-cycling our whole lives in some instances, and our hearts can’t handle that. (If you think the science isn’t there, and I’m making this up? Please see yourself out to the Google and look it the fuck up, thanks. I don’t do fat liberation 101.)

They go to check out the spokesmodel’s body, and she has liposuction scars that aren’t noted in the autopsy. Beth is off to check out the autopsy report (…sure, why not?) and runs into ADA Ben. He’s pissed that they’re investigating (obviously) and tries to remind them that any evidence they get will be inadmissible, probably, and they’re just fucking up. But Ben! This is TV! That will never happen, because these are our protagonists!

Mick is off to investigate…something else, I wasn’t paying attention, and the guy runs. I have to say, the direction of this episode would make it a mostly fun little romp if – again – any of these characters were likable, or if the show hadn’t been so dumb it eliminated all the good will I might have had for it.

Oh, Mick went to the valet who handed the mayoral candidate – Morrow – the keys to his car the night his wife died. Morrow was drunk. Mick’s here because Maureen’s computer showed that Valet sent her a tip about it – but Valet says he absolutely did not, he’s working without papers, he knew Morrow was drunk and gave him the keys anyway to avoid a fight and he has zero interest in being involved. Mick’s confused, and calls computer geek dude. Someone spoofed Valet’s email.

Oh, it’s the little blonde staffer that we’ve seen in both campaign scenes. Takes everyone else seven minutes to figure it out, but I guess they’re not really in a tv show. Anyway, she runs up to the building’s roof to … commit suicide? … because she … spoofed an email and told the press about her murderous boss?

Marcia from the Brady Bunch saying "Sure, Jan"

I wonder if these writers have ever met people? Like, is this one of those “I fed 1000 pages of Forever Knight and Dark Shadows episodes into this neural net and asked it to write me a series” and Moonlight popped out? If that’s the case, kudos! But this was 2007, so…yeah.

Anyway. Mick saves her, and she’s Morrow’s daughter? And somehow this means that Morrow didn’t kill Maureen, so it’s back to the diet guru? Ok, sure, why not. Take me on a ride, neural net.

Beth, Mick, and Ben go interview the plastic surgeon who did the lipo on Spokesmodel; he has three complaints about excessive blood loss after surgeries. I’m guessing vamp, and I’m right, and there’s a fight in the office, because that’ll go great for him. They make it look like Beth is going to get sucked right there, then a commercial break, and Guillermo is pulling glass desk shards out of Mick. But he’s done the legwork our “heroes” haven’t: the doc’s real business is selling rare blood to vamps.

Oh, the vamp doc took Beth and Ben. Does Ben have a good blood type, too? He must. There’s a lot of getting-ready nonsense that we don’t need, and Josef shows up as Mick is taking all his weapons out of hiding, and there are literally 7 minutes left of this episode, so wtf? Please go rescue people instead of having in-depth convos.

Oh, here we go: Mick begs Josef to turn him vampy again so he can rescue Beth. MORE WHINING.

ugh. have to watch Lestat as a palate cleanser

So Mick’s a vamp again (and there apparently is no lore about the strength of the sire, how weak someone would be right after turning, the need for a victim right away – no, it’s fine, that’s fine, tell me more about the taste of blood types, tho) and he saves everyone, the end. Ben was kept blindfolded the whole time so he doesn’t see or know anything, but he also isn’t going to investigate the bodies around him, I’m guessing. Beth and her bad extensions are sad about the re-fangening because he did it for her (heart emoji heart emoji). A lot of pointless feelings talk that could have been expended on the actual mystery, rehashing shit we’ve already talked about. And then they rip off a great song that Buffy already used (“Lucky Ones”, it’s on the first Buffy soundtrack CD that I played over and over and over for like a year in the late 90s) and Beth is sucking his face and then she leaves and it’s over! YAY!

I wish I knew Divia was going to show up on this show. She’d make such a good impact.

See you next week, Snowflakes!