Y’all. I will not lie to you: I am high as shit rn, had a whole bowl and then remembered it was recap writing day. But! I will not leave all, like, 4 of you who read these in the lurch! And who knows, I’ll probably be funnier, that would be my luck. Let’s do this thing!
You may remember from our last episode that Mike “Goddamn” Cellucci put an amulet on Henry “Fucking” Fitzroy (yes, I gave them nicknames) so that Julian Sands could capture and kill Henry on behalf of The Church. This was all after killing a Wendigo and solving the last case, as well. Busy bees!
So we open on Mike and Vicki exiting the sewers. Vicki is pissed. They have a huge fight in the street where Cellucci blames his bad behavior on being a cop, and for once, I agree!
Julian (I forgot his character name, sorry) is torturing Henry, obvies. I don’t know what’s actually more painful: the physical torture, or the quoting of Revelation. A hundred smutty fanfics have been inspired by Henry on that St. Andrew’s cross though, I know that.
At Vicki’s office, she and Mike have stopped fighting, and he’s telling her about the amulet. It’s called the iluminacion del sol, shaped like a sun with 8 rays. Vicki sends him back to the precinct to look up everything he can find on Javier Mendoza, which is Julian’s character!
Oh, lol, I completely forgot there was another case, with the vampire-bitten sex worker. Oops. Dave found out her name: Amy Davidson, street name Champagne. Captain Lady is on a rampage, so that Kate girl says she’ll cover for Cellucci’s absence and babysit his I guess unauthorized search for Mendoza’s background.
Javier is reading Henry’s biography, for some reason? or, like, charges? court charges of… vampirism?
Wait, it’s a flashback, Julian is the priest in both timelines. Really getting the vibe that part 2 here was not written by the part one writers, tell you what. It lasts like 15 seconds, anyway, I don’t know why it’s here?
Mike and Vicki question a friend of Champagne’s, ask if she ever had a date with Javier. Friend doesn’t know, but Friend definitely did. He took her to an old church, where he had a woman chained in the basement. The woman tried to bite Friend, who pepper sprayed everything and ran.
So that would be the vampire that Henry made, and Javier killed in the last episode to “save her soul” after repeated torture. Nice. Didn’t think this storyline was gonna go anywhere, seeing as how I forgot it existed, but I take back my earlier critique.
In Flashback Time, Henry asks the girl…guarding him? (ok, sure jan) for water. It’s the mid 1500s, and she’s got a loose veil hanging long from one pin in the back of her long, flowing hair. Historical accuracy is, uh, not a concept for these guys, eh? And then we’re back in the present, where Javier attaches some tubing to the Iluminacion del sol and starts emptying Henry of his blood.
Like. Can you use vamp blood like that? Just, like, throw it on your plants or put it in moisturizer or something? Will it weaken Henry to lose it like it does humans? Why does Henry have blood flowing like humans do? Is that vampire biology, do they make blood? All the time? I’ve been thinking they eat the blood, and then the body converts that to whatever systems/substance animates them, like we do with food, just, like, way more efficient. And maybe magical, I’m not sure, it’s fantasy, after all, and I’m not a world-builder. This is just so… weird.
So Coreen is researching the Iluminacion, and she goes to see some professor named Dr. Sagara, and clearly we are supposed to know this person, who also knows Henry – but you guys, I have no clue who this bitch [affectionate] is. Never seen her, hadn’t heard the name except when Vicki said it a couple scenes back.
More torture – ohhhhhhhh, the bloodletting is so he’ll be hungry! Doesn’t explain why it’s in his veins, tho, but whatevs. Blah blah God, blah blah torture, blah blah Flashback Time.
Vicki and Mike roll up to the church, so confrontation and rescue are imminent – or are they? We’re only halfway through.
Javier shows Henry Delphine’s “confession” for more torture. A lot of monologuing from our villain.
Plot Twist! Delphine is alive, in the church Vicki and Mike went to. But before they can rescue her, the blinds open automatically and she’s sunlit toast. They search the church and find that Javier had been surveiling them. Mike is getting cold feet about being a dick to Henry: he thinks no one should die like Delphine did. “She wasn’t alive,” sneers Vicki, but to his credit he won’t be needled like that. “No, I mean, no one should have to be so vulnerable and alone.” Right on, man. Maybe someday I’ll take the “Goddamn” out your name
They head back to the precinct to regroup, and Kate has the results of the background on Javier Mendoza: bupkis. But she googled the name on the off chance, and he was a Grand Inquisitor who specialized in getting confessions out of witches.
Apparently at the church they found a cup with stuff in it. Turns out that’s a Chinese herb for longevity and vampire blood. Javier has been making his own immortality potion to hunt vampires. Damn! Van Helsings could never. They do some actual investigative work and figure out Javier is hiding in another church – walking distance to Chinatown, just like the last hideout.
Vicki and Mike are checking churches, she wants to split up, he doesn’t, so obviously they do. I assume this was solely so Mike could complain about Vicki’s demon tattoos and how they seem to protect her, and so she would be in more danger when she finds Javier.
More Flashback Time with Henry and 2007 1500s girl. I’ll be honest, I don’t care, but it does show us that Henry isn’t hurt by holy objects. Girl lets him out and he eats her, which seems mean. Oh, wait, he changes her. Seems like that would need more consent, but ok.
Vicki is indeed in a bunch of danger: Javier grabs her before she even knows it’s the right church. He uses her as another form of torture, and reveals he’s still mad about 1500s Girl, cuz he had to kill her.
Mike calls Coreen when Vicki doesn’t call in. She has news about the Iluminacion: it steals the vampirism out of people, and Javier will have a key for it that will release if turned counterclockwise, but will destroy the heart if turned clockwise.
Javier leaves Henry and Vicki alone, but Vicki saws through her ropes. Mike runs into Javier on his way out; his pistol-whips him and takes the key. He bursts into the room and Henry attacks him, but Mike still gives up the key and the way to save Henry. But Henry doesn’t drink that much, just enough to go after Javier – whom he summarily devours, after saying a decidedly post-Vatican II Catholic grace.
Vicki pockets the Iluminacion, and everybody goes home. The end!
Gotta say, everything picked up with this two-parter. I was much happier doing these two recaps than I’ve been since FK ended, truth told! Decent pacing, a pretty good story, adequate – sometimes good! – writing. Let’s hope they keep it up!