Another day, another lack of dollars, another recap. I’m actually batching these this week, because my basement is so much cooler than my upstairs, and I can hide down here in the dark like the little gremlin I am, waiting for winter. Let’s get started, fellow gremlins!

We open on…bugs. Framed bugs, like, entomology bugs. Beetles, it looks like, specifically, and no, I don’t know why I’m so interested. Vicki’s reading in her office, and I’m delighted the bugs are hers.

Mike walks in and says that he got her messages, but he’s been “busy”. Doing what, Mike? Trolling other incels? Oh, he’s complaining about Henry being a vamp and how Henry must be a danger to other people, even if he’ll allow that he’s not a danger to Vicki, specifically. Mike complains it’s weird, and Vicki reminds him of the guy they put away who stuffed his victims and made them into marionettes, and, like, yeah, Mike. A little iron deficiency and a pair of fangs is fuckin nothing in that comparison.

Mike finally concedes the point by having Chinese food with Vicki (who bought for their regular hang session, and ordered way too much). But he doesn’t, y’know, like, apologize, or anything.

Some guy in an ill-fitting suit is working late in his office; the lights go out. His phone rings, and he answers as if it’s his wife, but it’s someone telling him he’s dead, “you hear me?” He hangs up the phone, but it keeps ringing, and then there’s like a zombie guy on his computer monitor. So he runs to the elevator, thinks he’s good, and then the zombie/ghost guy is in the elevator, reaches into his chest, and kills him. Cue the theme song!

Y’know, I never really watched the opening before, there’s so much kissing. Like, way more than has happened in the actual show. Weird.

Anyway. Dead guy is Freddy Stamp, a lawyer. His widow is in Vicki’s office, giving her the rundown on the case so far. She doesn’t believe it was the heart attack it looked like, so she’s come to Vicki, since she thinks that a dead client of Freddy’s killed him: Magnus O’Connor.

Meanwhile, Mike is at work, googling “vampires” like a weirdo. Vicki is here, looking for the file on O’Connor. Seems he was an inveterate assaulter, once got pulled over for a traffic stop with a severed head on his passenger seat. Freelanced for the Irish mafia, that kind of stuff. Killed someone in prison the first day – and killed himself in prison last week.

So Vicki’s next stop is obviously Henry, the only dead guy she knows. She walks in after barely knocking only to get a sword thrown at her, to which she drily responds, “Work not going well?” Vicki has her faults (this is 2007 Lifetime, after all), but comebacks aren’t one of them.

She lays the case out to him while he sketches her holding the sword. Henry says that O’Connor must have hired someone, easy. Vicki isn’t so sure – why hire someone if you’re planning to off yourself? So Henry says that obviously, O’Connor must have wrought vengeance from beyond the grave – a possibility that Vicki dismisses out of hand, despite, you know, everything she’s experienced lately?

Vicki heads to see Magnus’s mom. She owns a salon, and she says that Magnus was always a good boy, helped support the family after dad died, bought her the salon, etc. Her other son threatens Vicki after Mom tells her to leave, and Vicki maintains she’s not intimidated and then leaves.

The ME hasn’t found anything out of the ordinary except bruising on Stamp’s heart – it looks like someone reached into his chest and squeezed his heart until he died. “Like I said, cardiac arrest,” says the ME, trying to get her own comeback award. Vicki then asks about O’Connor’s suicide. ME looks it up: O’Connor slit his wrists and carved a pentagram into his own chest. “Right up your alley,” she says to Vicki.

Back to Mike we go, to chide him about not telling Vicki about the pentagram. He “refuses to give you any more reasons to go after the bogey-man” and, just – why, Mike. Why are you like this. Who raised you.

Mike gets called into …the captain’s office? (Look, it’s been a hot minute since I watched any of this, and I don’t remember this lady, but she’s yelling at Cellucci, so even though Vicki hates her, I’m guessing she’s not all bad.) Vicki heads out after a parting shot about how “the rules don’t solve cases”.

She heads back over to Henry’s, this time with the crime scene photos and file on O’Connor’s suicide. He did it in a circle of salt, with a glass of water and incense, and used an “elaborate shiv”. Henry identifies it as Celtic magic: O’Connor killed himself to kill Stamp. Vicki isn’t so sure – seems a bit much, even for someone as savage as O’Connor. And y’know, she’s not wrong. A lot of guys – especially freelancers – who work with mobs of various sorts will go to jail, sometimes often. It’s considered by a lot of them to be a cost of doing business: sometimes, the state’s gang will come up against your gang, and someone might have to do some time. Not usually a big deal; they’ll feed little fish to the authorities and keep the big fish out, if possible, but sometimes a big fish has to go, to. Seems a little excessive to kill yourself just to get to your lawyer, especially for a guy like O’Connor.

Henry says he knows someone they can ask for more details on the magic, maybe he’s wrong – but he’s reluctant to contact them, because it’s been a while, and we can all assume this is some vampy ex or something. Vicki isn’t deterred; she wants to solve the case, and doesn’t really care if Henry isn’t on good terms with all his exes.

Cut to another middle-aged guy getting into a car, hurriedly, scared. Can’t tell why, because all I hear is car horns and someone gently revving a not-souped-up engine, and just, like, why is Canada so nice? Do they not have those assholes with the fart cars who rev for funsies?

Anyway, in case you don’t know how narratives work, this guy is also killed by O’Connor reaching into his chest and squeezing his heart.

Vicki and Henry end up at a “fortune teller” shop, with a woman named Sinead who is Henry’s magic expert. Vicki is immediately hostile, for some reason? Sinead does a weird little optical illusion as her entrance – she’s in the mirror, but not in the room, but then is sitting down at a table! SpooOooOooky! But she’s otherwise quite normal, asking Henry why he hasn’t been around and inviting Vicki to sit to discuss the case. Vicki refuses, and Sinead refuses to look at Vicki’s file. She dumps some runes out, then says she wants to see Vicki’s magic tattoo – the one she got from the zombie episode, I think? Henry is now hostile, too. What on earth is wrong with these people? Why does no one in this show act like a regular human being? If people aren’t being bitches to you, don’t be bitches back!

Sinead says the tattoos can focus energy, that they’re a type of spell. She then says that Henry’s faith dictates her magic is evil, but she’s more “enlightened”. Henry says it’s “foolish”. Ok? SO WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME, HENRY.

Sinead says the spell O’Connor did was a cleansing one, a simple one to prepare the soul for moving on, and anyone could do it. Vicki and Henry turn to leave and Sinead says that “gratuities are always welcome, there’s a box on the table”. Henry grabs Vicki and tells her not to touch the box. In the hallway, he reiterates that Vicki’s tattoos are “evil” and that Sinead was wrong about them. Vicki says that Sinead is hiding something, and so is Henry – and Henry confesses that he was involved with Sinead before he knew “how immersed she was in the Dark Arts.”

So. Let me get this straight. YOU suggested going to Sinead. YOU said she was an expert in magic. YOU refused to tell Vicki anything on the way over. And now you’re throwing Sinead under the bus?

MOVING ON… George Neely, a prosecutor, was the second victim. ME says it’s the same MO, same perp. She fingerprinted the hearts, and was able to lift a partial and a full thumb, both matching O’Connor. Vicki calls Cellucci to ask after the presiding judge in the case, because clearly, O’Connor has a list.

Sinead shows up at Henry’s apartment, not really apologizing for using magic on him, which seems to be his major beef with her? (I mean, I’d think it weird that I couldn’t tell her apart from every other brunette on every other show in 2007, but that’s a personal peeve, I think.) She tells him she won’t use magic on him – and she still won’t mind if he drinks her blood, so he does.

Vicki is at Justice Pettigrew’s house, trying to stop a murder, I’m guessing. She goes right into the house when no one answers the door, hears a phone ringing, finds a hidden room and Pettigrew in it. Apparently he went to hide after getting a call from O’Connor, but that was it – just a call. Vicki suggests that O’Connor has more to be angry about than merely being convicted, and Pettigrew eventually confesses that he, Neely, and Stamp railroaded the guy. Though he claims Stamp didn’t know – they buried some sort of technical fault with the evidence-gathering that would have gotten O’Connor off, but since “everyone knew” he was guilty, they thought they were doing the right thing. Vicki tells Pettigrew to pack a bag, they’re going into protective custody.

Sinead uses a potion to keep Henry in bed with her. She says she had a vision that he’s in danger if he goes to Vicki, but he’s offended she used magic and he goes anyway.

Vicki hands Pettigrew off to Henry, telling him to get a hotel, use cash, blah blah. But before they can go, O’Connor is coming through the door. Vicki grabs his ankle and her tattoo glows – focusing that power, perhaps? O’Connor shrugs it off, though, and goes into Pettigrew’s panic room – through the bookcase – and kills him.

Vicki has to call 911, obviously. The Captain lady shows up and asks Vicki what the connection between the victims is – and if Vicki doesn’t cough up the info, she won’t be allowed anywhere near this case anymore. “Quid pro quo or persona non grata,” she says, and Vicki looks pissed, but, like, yes? That seems reasonable? What am I missing here? Why is everyone so pissed at everyone else all the time?!

Vicki gives it up, and says that she thinks a member of O’Connor’s family is getting revenge. Captain sends Mike and his partner to interview the O’Connors again, then tells Vicki that she should have gone to them about Pettigrew, and his death is on Vicki’s hands. Whatever. Post-hoc justification for Vicki being a bitch.

Cellucci asks Vicki who it was, she says O’Connor. Cellucci wants proof; Vicki tells him about the fingerprints. Cellucci just moves on to who’s next; Vicki says probably the cop who collected the evidence in the first place, and Mike is taking this very well. Mike says compared to all the other weird shit happening lately, killer ghosts don’t seem like much. Oh, really? Is that why you’re all twisted about Henry having fangs, Mike?

Mike says he’ll look up the cop, but Vicki can’t keep him out of the loop. Vicki says he could lose his job for that? Why? Because he’s acting on a tip? What kind of a police force is this, Toronto?

Back at her office, Vicki posits to Henry that Sinead was right about the tattoos. Henry maintains that they were made by black magic, and they’ll draw black magic to Vicki. Magic isn’t that simple, Henry, but leave it to a vampire to literally never ask a question of anyone, including other paranormal beings.

Vicki goes to Sinead’s to ask about the tattoos. Sinead says everything they need to know is in the box Henry told her not to touch, and Henry again says not to touch it, and that Sinead better talk. About what? O’Connor? The tattoos? Life, the universe, and everything? When Sinead seems put out by Henry’s continued hostility, he starts to open the box, facing Sinead. Weird light and screams come out of it, and she looks frightened.

Meanwhile, Cellucci and partner have O’Connor’s brother in the interrogation room. He lawyers up, after maintaining that O’Connor didn’t hire anyone.

Sinead says that the pentagram in Vicki’s tattoos binds her to the demon (Astaroth, Henry helpfully reminds us. I do not remember this *at all*, so, thanks, I guess?). Henry wants to know how she’s bound, but “only time will tell.” She then says that O’Connor’s spell blocks the passage of the spirit, and she lied to them about it because she didn’t want to get on the wrong side of someone who would do such a spell. She says the person who did it is in the photos.

They figure out that O’Connor’s spell bound him to his mother – so she’s the one who killed everyone. With a ghost, I guess, as the weapon. For all the time we spend on this show in displays of bizarre hostility, we could have decent explanations of how the magic works, but where’s the fun in that?

Cellucci comes in just as they figure it out, and says we’ll never guess who was responsible for fucking up the evidence. And he’s right, I wouldn’t have: it’s Captain Lady!

Cellucci goes to keep her safe, while Vicki and Henry go find O’Connor’s mom. They find O’Connor’s brother, stuck in a salon chair with melted hands. He says that their mom made O’Connor kill himself, that she wanted the revenge more than anyone. Henry tries to help his hands, but he says his mom will let it wear off, if he’s good. Henry can’t believe she’d do this to her own son, and, like, Henry. You’re 500 years old. You’ve never met a child abuser before?

Blah blah blah, buncha pointless dialogue, and then Mrs. O’Connor is summoning outside the station just after Henry and Vicki go inside. There’s some very bad CGI of O’Connor’s ghost coming out of her mouth, it’s great.

For some reason, Captain lady has gone outside? and then Cellucci follows, so he sees her getting attacked by O’Connor. Henry puts his hand over Mom’s mouth, to stop her spelling, I guess, and Vicki reaches into the ghost’s chest and pulls out his heart.

Captain lady is alive, Mom O’Connor is dead, Vicki is a remarkably intuitive magic user, and Cellucci doesn’t mention that a ghost attacked Captain lady. (Her name is Crowley, apparently, but I hate-watched all 15 seasons of Supernatural, so no, I’m not going there.)

And then Mike takes Henry’s fingerprints off a water glass, so clearly, everything’s fine!

See you next week, same bat time, same bat channel, Snowflakes!