SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E12: Norman

Posted on September 28, 2023 by Catherine Winters

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Y’all! I saw Dr Mohadevan in a movie!!!! She played a nurse for like 30 seconds, she did great, just like she does every week for us on this… delightful show that I chose to recap. Yup. No one to blame but myself….

We open on Henry and Vicki watching the 1922 Nosferatu. Henry says it’s sad that Orlock kills himself for passion – after all, vampires feel the sun long before they see it, and he chooses to stay. Vicki gets visibly uncomfortable with Henry’s flirting, they almost kiss, blah blah.

Look, I’m not against romance. In the book series this show is based on, all the characters are likeable, and you do really feel that Vicki is struggling between Mike and Henry, because they represent very different life paths to her. In the books, this sort of character building pays off, and lets us understand the characters better and enjoy the stories more.

But this is a late-aughts, syndicated on Lifetime, vampire TV show. The writing has gone almost out of its way to make these people awful, if not downright vile, and I just cannot give a flying fuck who they end up with. This isn’t character building; these scenes in the show are conflict for conflict’s sake, and they honestly just piss me off. Gonna go read the source material just to get these assholes out of my head.

ANYWAY. Some guy is lifting weights. Subtitles tell me it’s Andrew, so sure, and thanks for letting me know how grunty he is while lifting. Andrew cuts himself while futzing with the weights, and his blood melts concrete? I rewound, but no, that’s concrete, damn. His blood opens a circle and a pentagram, and some Ethan Hawke-looking motherfucker pops up and promptly kills Andrew with super long nails to the neck. Cue opening credits!

Vicki’s demon tats are burning, and she says she should just get them removed. Coreen says she shouldn’t, that they’re powerful, but Vicki doesn’t trust it and doesn’t know how to use them. She also throws in a jab about how they’d be worse if they were Hello Kitty, and, wow, Vicki, rude.

what could she possibly have done to you?!

Vicki and Coreen start getting snippy with each other, because this is 2007 and it was a truth universally acknowledged that two women couldn’t have a conversation without being bitches. Thankfully, they’re interrupted by Camille Stokes, seeking Vicki’s services.

She’s a psychic, and she had a vision of Vicki dying at the hands of the demon Andrew summoned, presumably. Vicki is snarky AGAIN, but Camille is insistent, and Vicki tells her to call if she has more visions. Even so, Camille leaves and Coreen is concerned – the pentagram, the chalice, the knife, all these things were supposedly destroyed after the last demon encounter. Henry took care of it. “Yeah,” says Vicki, “I thought he did.”

Down at the precinct, Mike is taking a call about a clawed body. Like an animal? Apparently, yes. Poor Andrew, we hardly knew ye. Kate offers to go with him to the crime scene, since Dave is in court.

Vicki pushes her way into Henry’s apartment over his protestations that it isn’t a good time. She wants to talk about Camille, and gives the bum’s rush to Henry’s lady friend. Oh, the knife and stuff are from the Norman Bridewell case, which was obviously 11 or fewer episodes ago, and yet I have zero idea what we’re talking about. I think that was the incel who summoned demons? Did he look like Ethan Hawke? Is that who the demon is?

Anyway, she interrogates Henry about destroying the stuff used in that summoning, and he says he “took care of it”, not that he destroyed it. Oh, because he separated them. Vicki wants them destroyed, and yeah, that seems the better plan? Why didn’t you just do that, Henry? But he agrees to contact the friends who have the other items (he has the knife) and destroy everything tomorrow.

Camille is… hanging out by a dumpster? PLOT TWIST: she’s the demon in disguise! What! I’m genuinely surprised, good going, episode 12!

And yeah, I think this is that incel guy. He contacts Astaroth, the demon who wants Vicki, for whatever reason, and of course Vicki and Henry are going to gather the shit Norman needs to summon so he can snatch it from them. Again, Henry, why didn’t you just destroy stuff before?!?!

In Mohadevan’s lab, Mike and Kate have no ID, but enough evidence to assume it’s the same killer as “5 months ago”, and Kate notices built forearms and palm callouses, pointing to a hockey player. Mike isn’t thrilled about this being Norman again, or a copycat, but he is impressed with Kate’s deductions.

He’s not as impressed that Vicki leaves her office door unlocked, but, like… it’s an office? She has clients coming in all day? Weird ask, Mike.

He tells her about the body, she tells him about “Camille”, he tells her to go to his sister’s vacation home in Mexico for a while. She tells him it’s not like witness protection, and she’s right. Lore says demons will find you. Mike asks what the plan is, so she tells him, and the we cut to her and Henry gathering items.

Vicki, predictably, is a bitch to Henry’s friend holding the chalice, and I like that he’s a bitch back to her, but she could just… not be a bitch. Like, I think they’re trying to show her as fed up with demons or being in danger or something, but she has just been vinegar in every scene, complaining, whining, yelling, confronting. I don’t get it.

Henry’s friend put a concealment spell on the chalice, so it won’t be seen ever again, and that’s that. He’s not helping find the thing, even to destroy it, because it’s safely invisible and probably not able to be destroyed anyway.

Vicki walks home because she’s so pissed.

Kate tries to get some info out of Mike about the case and Vicki’s connection to it, then settles simply for warning him away from it when he doesn’t give her anything. He tells her he won’t work too hard, and she says she’ll buy him a drink. Oh, good, rope another person into this bizarre love triangle.

And… chalice friend is dead. Obviously saw this coming, we were set up to, but Norman dressed up like Vicki to kill him and take the chalice – because the magic of the concealment spell dies with the one who cast it.

Mike and Kate are of course called to the antique store where the chalice was hidden to examine the body. They’re bouncing some theories back and forth when Vicki shows up, because Mike called her. Kate isn’t thrilled, because Vicki’s NOT A COP ANYMORE. This is Kate’s first homicide case, I think, and no, Mike, she doesn’t want a civilian fucking it up for her. Just because you think Vicki can do no wrong doesn’t mean it’s true.

Vicki makes a snarky comment about bodies first thing in the morning, and Kate says it’s “always nice to have a joke at a crime scene”, and Vicki responds with “OUCH”.

VICKI. WTF. You’ve been a raging cunt to everyone in this episode and you can’t handle Kate’s actually incredibly mild joking criticism? Seriously? Seriously.

Vicki tells Mike about Maurice, the chalice guy, and that the killer has what he came for, and he just needs a couple more things. She goes back to the office and tells Coreen to track down Camille, the psychic, because she may also be in danger. Vicki isn’t going to just give in; she’s going to find the other items and destroy them.

Oh, hey, look at that! Remember Dr. Sagara, the random pop up character that they all acted like we knew already? Turns out she’s one of Henry’s closest friends, and he gave her the grimoire used in the ritual. Vicki is outraged by this, but I don’t know why, and I refuse to care.

But just minutes after telling a grieving Henry that he isn’t responsible for Maurice’s death, she tells a grieving Henry that he’s painted a target on Sagara. Which one is it, Vicki? Is Henry responsible or isn’t he? Or do you just want to yell?

a "keep calm" poster, but it says "fuck this guy" — And by guy, I mean Vicki

Henry refuses to contact Sagara, because he maintains that doing so would put her in danger, would lead the demon guy right to the book. Vicki wants to go get the book and burn it, right this minute. They have this conversation on the street, by the way, within hearing distance of an unhoused person.

Who is, of course, Norman. Jesus Christ, Vicki, were you a cop? I’m starting to have my doubts.

So I’m guessing Dr Sagara is dead. Fuck’s sake.

Sure enough, he shows up dressed as Henry, she hands over the book, but she also distracts him with talking – first about how much potential Norman had, which pleases him, and then about making Vicki truly love Henry, like she did. Huh, all this time, I thought Dr Sagara was pretty cool, but knowing she fucked Henry makes me suspect she’s just hiding her awfulness better than Henry or Vicki do. Anyway, Norman doesn’t kill her, so yay, I guess?

He does, however, take the advice to go tell Vicki he loves her. Advice meant for Henry, of course, but he goes to her office and repeats some of Sagara’s words about fear, and he gets Vicki to kiss him.

Which goes badly, because Norman doesn’t know how to kiss, obviously. So Vicki changes tack and says they should go get the dagger from his apartment and burn it and the book. To which Norman-as-Henry responds, “the knife is in my apartment?”, and then knocks Vicki out cold.

So he can show up as Vicki, at Henry’s apartment! It’s like someone saw that X-Files 2-parter where Mulder and the Area 51 guy switch bodies and thought it would be as charming to do with these horrible flesh bags. It’s not. Not even a little.

this is a great episode, truly amazing tv

Real Vicki tried to call Henry upon regaining consciousness, but Henry doesn’t answer. He seems to be fooled, but obviously knew it wasn’t Vicki when she failed to scream at him as soon as he opened the door. He almost kills Norman, but Vicki busts in at the last moment for a Vicki-on-Vicki fight. Real Vicki gets the upper hand through her tattoos, and Norman turns into himself and then bats and whooshes out the door. Vicki kisses Henry for real, for some reason? because Norman slashed him? and she’s bleeding? does that hurt him that badly? … Well, they kiss, anyway, and then Vicki says she has to warn Coreen that Norman shape changes.

Which, of course, he does again to get into the office and snatch her. Trade the dagger for Coreen, meeting place at his apartment, all to get us to the big showdown.

Camille’s body turns up, and she had a record, so they can ID her. She lived in Norman’s building, and Vicki conveniently calls just then to tell Mike she’s headed to Norman’s apartment. Mike tries to dissuade her, but of course that won’t work or it ruins the cool ending sequence!

the writers when confronted by a single question

Kate calls out all Mike’s secretive nonsense regarding this case. He says he’ll fill her in when he can, but she knows that’s a cop out. She tells him he can keep it all to himself, and that’s exactly who he’ll have for backup – himself. She won’t help him when it all hits the fan.

Oh good, last 10 minutes! I do have to admit, this episode has kept it together much better than most. I’m just mad that none of the characters are worth a pinch of spit.

Everyone converges at Norman’s, and of course, it looks like he’s going to prevail. There’s a little chanting, a little portal opening, and then he slices Vicki with the dagger. But what’s this? Vicki had the dagger blessed by a priest on the way over? The spell starts faltering, Norman gets stabbed, and they throw him into the portal to close it – but not before he confirms that weird stuff has been attracted to Vicki since she was branded, and that she should embrace the power of her tattoos.

whoo boy. I have to give it up to the writers for keeping the plot together (enough), but fuck’s sake, why is Vicki a bitch?!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E11: Post Partum

Posted on September 21, 2023 by Catherine Winters

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I just… I don’t think pregnancy and vampires should be anywhere near each other, ok? Not a huge fan of the weird Twilight baby, not hopeful that this episode won’t squick me out, but let’s get started!

Coreen needs an advance, and Vicki says she’d better return that new outfit instead. Coreen counters by asking for a raise. Vicki walks away.

A woman in a hot tub is doing birth affirmations while a man rubs her shoulders. He leaves, but then someone else’s hands are there, releasing an inky substance into the water.

After the intro: A guy is in Vicki’s office, telling her about how his wife’s doctor told her to talk to the baby, that it would help the pregnancy. But after a while she would talk *with* the baby, not *to* it. And then she was hearing things. Marlisse, his wife, checked into the clinic full time, and he hasn’t seen her in a month. He’s convinced the doctor is running a cult of vulnerable pregnant women, and yeah, gonna go ahead and say

He’s been to a bunch of PIs and the police, all of whom have laughed him out of their offices except Vicki. He’s convinced something is wrong with his baby, and he hasn’t spoken with his wife since she went to the clinic. He just wants to know if they’re safe.

Vicki takes the case, of course, and apparently our C plot today is Coreen being unable to live on the wages Vicki pays, so. I’ll sum it up here with this:

Marlisse went through every intervention available to get pregnant in the first place, Vicki explains to Henry and Coreen over Chinese food. If Dr. Hobson’s clinic is a cult, they’ll need to move quickly, so Vicki needs help with the research. Coreen is off to interview the Deskins, who used Hobson to get pregnant and provided a testimonial. Vicki’s off to find herself a “husband” to go undercover. Henry offers; she reminds him he’s “not a morning person”.

She walks into the precinct and announces to Mike: ” I want you to be my baby daddy.” Kate spits out her coffee, Mike says he’s flattered, and Vicki shows him Hobson’s commercials.

Hobson combines “cutting edge technology with a holistic approach” and boasts a doubled success rate over other clinics. Vicki wants to get invited to stay on the baby ranch, so she has to forge some records and look exhausted and Mike needs to be her worried, supportive partner, Ricky. Who’s Ricky? Why, of Ricky and Lucy, of course. Mike declines. Ike and Tina? George and Gracie? Moose and Squirrel?

Nope. Plain old Mike and Vicki.

She’s in! It doesn’t even take that much, honestly, they just tell him they’ve been trying for 5 years, since their honeymoon, and miscarriages, blah blah. Vicki will have to stay for at least a month, but they say they’re okay with that. To which Hobson replies, laughing, “Let’s have a baby!”

Mike and Vicki both think they got in too easy, so Mike’s first order of business – after he fills a cup with his “swimmers”, that is – will be doing a more thorough background check. Then they have to put on a show of saying goodbye, and they get a liiiiiittle too into the kissing.

Henry and Coreen head off to the Deskins’. Henry seems to get bad vibes from the sidewalk, but they go in anyway. Mr. Deskins says he’s surprised the testimonial is still up, it’s been so long. But without Hobson, they – he corrects himself, HE wouldn’t have had Travis. Mrs. Deskins is dead: fell off a ladder a few years ago.

Hobson’s process feels strange when you’re going through it, he says, but you can’t argue with the results. Henry says their client called it cultish, and keeps looking at a pic of Travis on the mantle. Deskins can see that, but he got a kid out of it, and of course he’s not in a tv show, he doesn’t know that his wife’s death was weird.

Travis, who looks to be maybe 10, tops, but probably closer to 7 or 8, comes through the door at this point. Did his friend’s dad walk him home? He shakes his head, stares at Henry – who sniffs him back – and then runs upstairs without a word.

So my bet is demon babies.

Oh, no, wait: in the street, Coreen asks what lit a fire under Henry’s ass to leave so fast. Henry says there was blood on the kid – blood that wasn’t his.

Vicki’s welcomed warmly by a lady on the ward. she gives her whole name, and I’m beginning to wonder if this is a Canadian thing. I don’t know about y’all, but most of the time I introduce myself, I only give a first name. No one needs to be googling me because we chatted in an elevator or something.

Lady talks about all the hydrotherapy and green juice smoothies and shit, and how Hobson is so amazing, and Vicki murmurs agreement. Vicki looks around, doesn’t see Marlisse, and asks if that’s everyone. Turns out, the “Alpha Mommies”, the high risk pregnancies, are in another ward, no real contact. “No visitors?” Vicki says, and Lady says they visit, sometimes, but only if they bring “loving energy”.

Coreen and Vicki have a phone call to catch the other up. Coreen says the blood on Travis was animal; a lot of pets are missing in the neighborhood. Vicki tells her and Henry to find more couples who used the clinic, and to check out those kids, too. I’m guessing we’re gonna find more dead moms.

Mike talks to someone who used to work with Hobson. She says he’s a good doctor, and his results are legitimately double. He went to Austria to study new IVF techniques about 10 years ago, came home all woo-woo holistic. She says that’s not concerning in and of itself, but Hobson doesn’t specify his techniques, hasn’t published, so who knows what’s really going on? She calls the mother “guinea pigs”, but, like, he’s clearly knocking them up with his demon seed. These women are being assaulted.

I didn’t like writing “demon seed” anymore than you liked reading it

During Vicki’s physical (which is just her drinking a smoothie), she asks the nurse? clinician? if anything goes wrong with the babies. He tells her to relax. The smoothie is to improve the uterine lining, and she’ll get plenty of rest and relaxation, and her baby will be fine. Everything is based on research, and Hobson knows what he’s doing – down to choosing the method of insemination for every patient. And hey, “you can’t argue with the results!”

That’s beginning to sound like some kind of spell, honestly. Literally everyone involved with the clinic has said that exact phrase. Creepy.

Vicki finds Marlisse, who is on bedrest at 36 weeks (human pregnancies are full term at 38). She says she’s never felt better, and that Vicki will get used to the smoothies, even if not the weird dreams that Hobson says are a standard side effect. I mean, yeah, you have weird dreams while you’re preggo, smoothies or no. I wanted her to describe them, but she moves on to asking about the outside world and telling Vicki that her husband (Mitch!) was ruining her positive aura with his negativity. He just doesn’t understand what this means for them, you see.

And then changes subject again: what’s Vicki’s story? She gives a line about waiting too long to start trying, and then says she wanted to meet Marlisse specifically, because no one else will tell her what the complete treatment is. Will her baby be healthy? Marlisse says of course! Just feel! and Vicki watches as her weird demon baby with a tail?!? pushes up against Marlisse’s stomach.

Vicki confesses that she was hired by Mitch. Marlisse is falling asleep, but Vicki tells her to be vigilant. Hobson comes to usher Vicki out, and it seems he didn’t hear any of her PI stuff.

Coreen finds another testimonial family and goes to see them. Lost pet posters all over the neighborhood, and as she climbs the steps to ring the bell, an 8 to 10 year old kid pushes past her. She says hi, he turns –

And it’s the same fuckin kid!

a chipmunk turning suddenly with dramatic sound effect — demon seed! demon seed!

Lady who welcomed Vicki is pregnant! She says Vicki’s next because Jonah – the clinician/nurse guy – likes her. And Jonah has a special sense for who gets pregnant. Is Jonah the demon?!?!?!

Coreen and Henry go back to see Mr. Deskins. Henry asks where Travis is, and Deskins says upstairs, doing homework. Coreen asks if Deskins ever heard any stories about the other kids born through the clinic as Travis sneaks out – and Henry follows.

Deskins says just the usual, kids who aren’t really yours, you put it out of your mind. But they did get a photo from one of the other families who had a kid around the same time they did – and it is, of course, the same kid.

Mike comes to visit Vicki, and they bring each other up to speed. Vicki tells him about Marlisse’s baby pressing against her skin and says she hope babies don’t do that and, uh, hate to tell you, Vick, there’s only so much room in there. Usually it’s not a whole baby and tail, it’s just hands and feet, but yes. You can see baby parts pressing against your belly. I thought it was one of the few perks of pregnancy, frankly.

She asks Mike to test the smoothies. Mike thinks she should leave, and not ingest anymore, but she’s gonna solve this first. More kissing.

Mr. Deskins says that Travis was a normal kid, but then after his mother died, he seemed not quite human. Meanwhile, Travis is luring another kid into the woods, because “we’re adventurers”. Travis tells him to wear a blindfold, and he’s gonna stab him, but of course Henry intervenes. He hypnotizes the kid to never play with Travis again. Kid runs away home, and now it’s Travis’s turn.

Henry tells him not to hurt other people, but Travis says “he wants me to. He tells me to!” Henry tells him he will not hurt people or animals, and Travis seems under control. Coreen and Henry catch up: she thinks Travis killed his mom, and Henry knows there’s a deep, deep evil inside him that won’t be held at bay for long.

Vicki gets caught looking in on a hydrotherapy affirmation session between Jonah and a patient. Hobson is furious, but fobbed off with an “I couldn’t sleep” and “I wanna know what the program is” – but he suggests Vicki should leave. She promises to trust the program more, and Hobson says that’s good, but he and Jonah share a look after she goes back to her room.

Coreen has a theory about changelings, but that’s just autistic people, Coreen. Henry asks if Vicki wants kids, and Coreen replies that “older women are always going on about their biological clocks.” Gross, Coreen.

There’s a Germanic myth about dark elves who get human women pregnant, and there ya go. Schwarzalf, straight from Austria, courtesy of Jonah, no doubt. Vicki figures it out, too, by going through files. She sends a fax and seems to get away clean.

Mohadevan has tested the smoothies: Vicki’s is just fertility herbs, and Marlisse’s is to make someone happy and compliant. Mike calls Vicki to let her know; she makes Marlisse promise not to drink any more because it’s bad for the baby.

Vicki faxed Mike; Kate takes it out of the machine and it’s in code, advising Mike to check out Jonah.

Marlisse sees the weird baby tail, goes to Vicki for help. Vicki’s gonna break her out, but Jonah foils her and tells her to relax and accept his help later tonight. He locks her in her room.

Coreen brings Mike up to speed about the Schwarzalf in a scene that’s entirely too long, but the upshot of which is that yes, Jonah is the elf.

Henry comes to spring Vicki; Jonah pops his head in long enough to tell her that Marlisse is in labor, so Jonah will have to wait on assaulting Vicki. Henry brings Vick up to speed about Jonah being the elf and that iron will kill him. Vicki says they should end this now and a hallway fills with smoke for some reason?

ned flanders, fry, and other memes looking suspicious — sure, Jan

Marlisse has her baby and wants her husband. The baby seems fine.

In the mist hallway, Mike shows up and hits a creature – I assume the elf/Jonah – with a tire iron, and then the creature and the mist are just gone. I – you know what? I’ve run out of gifs. Just… imagine my dumb face all scrunched up, because why the fuck is this show always so bad in the last 10 minutes? Did everyone get tired? Did the network want “more action” or something? Why is it always a decent 20 minutes and then utter shit?

Jonah insists on holding Marlisse’s baby, and he turns into the elf. Henry saves the baby, Mike kills the elf, there’s gonna be some weird police interviews for this one. Henry says Marlisse’s baby still has darkness, but obviously no connection to the elf anymore.

And that’s the end, because of course we just trail off. And I knew this one was gonna be gross, but honestly, not as bad as I thought! This was actually a really engaging episode for me, until the end. None of the conflict was forced, everything made sense until the end. All in all, I’d give it 8/10. Solid B.

SGRoA: Blood Ties S1 E10: Necrodrome

Posted on September 14, 2023 by Catherine Winters

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Two vampires enter, one vampire leaves. Or at least that’s what I said when I saw this episode title. Let’s dive right in!

Vicki and Henry are on an infidelity stakeout – Vicki is still a PI, after all. Henry tells a story about getting caught in flagrante with a Vegas mobster’s moll, and getting dumped in the dump. It’s cute, which is something new for this show.

Meanwhile, at a funeral home, the new guy is getting his embalming skills critiqued by I’m assuming his boss, an older undertaker. Neither of them seems thrilled, but young guy is especially bored-looking, in addition to wearing the world’s worst wig. They leave the dead guy to be filled or drained with red fluid, but the transfer is interrupted by a hooded figure, who brings the corpse back to life.

The body’s name is Diesel Swanson, and Boris, the older undertaker, has called Vicki in to look for the body. He doesn’t want to call the cops, wants “discretion”. The back door was “jimmied” open, and he doesn’t want to call the cops because he has the resurrection on camera – something he says the police wouldn’t understand.

Back at the office, Henry is sniffing the hell out of Vicki, and after an uncomfortable amount of time, he says she smells like death. No duh, she went to a funeral home. Why do you like it so much, Henry? Weirdo.

Vicki shows him the resurrection video. Henry says the necromancy is probably Egyptian, based on the mask of the necromancer. Guy left no prints, never showed his face, knew which door was closest to the body… Vicki thinks it’s an inside job.

So she and Henry head down to ask the ME if she knows Boris, the head undertaker, in a professional capacity. She does, has since she started the job. She doubts very much that he had anything to do with the resurrection: “Nobody likes an Easter weekend.”

woman in a green top doing a spit take — they hired funny writers this week, y’all!

Oh! She recommended Vicki to Boris! Thank God for subtitles, they literally have never said the ME’s name before this episode. It’s Dr. Mohadevan.

So it’s a no on Boris, no on another disgruntled employee. It really comes down to motive: maybe Swanson did it for himself? But Henry points out that Swanson has merely been reanimated, not resurrected: he has no free will, retains no personality. His animation serves only the necromancer who raised him, not his own ends, so it’s highly unlikely this was set up by Swanson or his widow.

Vicki goes back to talk to Ivan, Boris’ son, the young undertaker. He talks about growing up at the funeral home, how the other kids thought it was cool. He doesn’t seem entirely genuine, but maybe that’s the wig. Even his goatee looks suspect, though I’m pretty sure that’s real. Vicki asks about unhappy customers; he claims they’ve never had one.

On to the widow; this is, after all, a procedural. Swanson had been a boxer, but got a ban for betting against himself? for himself? doesn’t really matter. He was kind of a drunk, got a job at a local sports bar as a resident celebrity and got free drinks. Widow is packing to move to her sister’s, and seems sad, but not destroyed. Also seems like she didn’t have a reason to resurrect him, and doesn’t know anyone who would.

not a lot of jokes when they’re being competent, sorry

Vicki heads to the precinct, because of course we need Mike on this. He asks why the police weren’t called, and doesn’t interrupt when Vicki says Swanson is walking around. She asks if he’s heard anything about grave robbery; he says that’s major case squad; she asks him to keep an ear out.

Coreen has been investigating the mask; it represents Anubis, which she says all weird, AN-you-beess, whatever. It’s Canada.

Supposedly Anubis resurrected Osiris, which is not what I remember from Anne Rice, but hey, it’s mythology. So now all Vicki has to do is find an Egyptian necromancer operating in Toronto.

Vicki and Henry are fighting because… Henry didn’t want to work the case? When did that happen? Literally nothing happened at the medical examiner’s office or since then to indicate Henry didn’t want to help on this case. But he’s reacting to Vicki as if this is something they both know happened, that was in the text, that we the audience also know happened. Problem is that we don’t, and that this is how almost every conflict on this show is rendered. Nothing happens, suddenly everyone’s angry and they all know why. And I, like I hope a good chunk of their audience, am sitting here, staring at the TV with furrowed brow, absolutely fucking lost.

Don’t do this. Don’t write like this. I have no idea how so many people working on this show, week in, week out, were all just like, yeah, conflict happens for zero reasons all the time! this is a great script! but, like, just… explain shit! Give these people conversations! Stop cramming in conflict for its own sake!

ANYway… Egyptians believed the soul was split in 7 parts, all of which Henry knows, because when you’re alive for 400 years, you get to learn things, even if Vicki snarks about it. I swear, this show is so relentlessly neurotypical sometimes, why is being smart bad? Why do these people hate facts and think it’s ridiculous anyone would know anything?

Miss Piggy looking irritated or angry — I’m sorry, I’ll get over myself. Maybe.

OMG, it really is two dead guys enter, one dead guy leaves! Swanson is fighting in the Necrodrome! Announcer guy has a big ol’ mask on, probably the necromancer or knows them. There’s a cage, there’s lighting, there’s an audience. NECRODROME!

Dave lectures Mike about looking at the bright side of an early-morning body dump. He brought French crullers! And obviously the body is from the Necrodrome, a wrestler who died of an aneurysm a few months ago. Mike immediately makes the connection to Vicki’s boxer bodysnatcher, and Dave is confused – there hasn’t been a homicide?

Mike goes to see Dr. Mohadevan, who lets him know that Swanson might have been poisoned by Tylenol. So now he’s on the case, and when Vicki isn’t very helpful – because she doesn’t have anything new – he goes off to interview the widow.

Luckily, we stay in the precinct for Mohadevan’s autopsy of the wrestler guy. He has half a carved stone stuck in his throat, much like Swanson had something shoved in his mouth by the necromancer.

Mike’s interrogation of Mrs Swanson focuses on the Tylenol, whether or not he was poisoned. She maintains booze did him in: why doesn’t Mike go check the bar?

So Mike does, and I’ll be honest, I don’t know why we’re working the case twice? They cut this book down to 40 minutes and can’t give us an explanation for any of the fights, but we can have Vicki and Mike both do the same job twice? The bar bouncer gives Mike his full name, for some reason, probably because he’s the necromancer or some shit. Episode started off so well, and now nothing is funny *or* sensical.

After doing more book research, Vicki posits that the necromancer is the guy who wrote the thesis they’ve been using to research? Is that why we had a very weird conversation about Coreen having a friend at the museum who lets her borrow stuff? When were they going to tell us it was a phD thesis?

Henry and Vicki go to thesis guy’s apartment, I guess? They aren’t telling us, just Vicki says it’s thesis guy and then she and Henry meet Swanson in a stairwell. He can talk, apparently, good for him. He runs past them and jumps off a balcony and is just gone.

Henry and Vicki search the apartment. She finds a printed page of… HTML?!

They take the page to Coreen, who… types it into her computer? and they find the Necrodrome site? that plays video of the Necrodrome? A TYPED SHEET OF HTML?!?!?!?!?!?!

Y’all, I do not understand how computers work. I don’t understand how my phone works. I am a late-adopting, only know how to get on the internet because I got it when I was 18, certified GenX computer illiterate. And even I know that a printout of HTML is not going to get you any of this. WTF.

Vicki needs Necrodrome explained to her, so maybe it’s just that Vicki’s dumb and doesn’t know things, so lashes out at anyone with facts. She calls Mike to tell him about Necrodrome.

Oh, look, the bouncer guy is the thesis guy is the necromancer. At least someone knows some narrative tricks.

And now everything moves very fast: Mike tells Vicki to stay out of it; the computer nerd at the precinct finds the server for Necrodrome in Toronto; Henry hears a train announcement in the Necrodrome video. Everyone converges. Mike gets there first, and no, turns out Ivan is the necromancer. He’s killed thesis guy, but Mike will make a better challenger for the fight.

Vicki and Henry show up just before things get started. Henry hits the sirens in Mike’s car, so the audience scatters. Ivan monologues about the crimes – he doesn’t want to be an undertaker – and then Henry comes in and saves the day. They arrest Ivan, they let Swanson die again, and return him to the funeral home so his widow can see him.

Ok! That certainly was one of the television shows of all time! I hope you’re all backing the writers’ guild, because holy shitballs, is it apparently difficult to write 40 minutes of anything that makes sense. I mean, I only write novels, I get to edit as long as I want, I have to imagine the working conditions on this show were absolute garbage, because so is their output.

Just explain things!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E9: Stone Cold

Posted on September 7, 2023 by Catherine Winters

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Okay, Snowflakes, I’ve had a bowl, my water bottle is full, and I’m ready to be shocked at the mediocrity of syndicated vampire TV from the aughts. Let’s do this!

Mike and Vicki are running. Things are still touchy – Mike did almost kill Henry, and Henry returned the favor. They’re both unhappy about all of it.

Two people are making out. She tells him to close his eyes and concentrate on other senses, and then we make him do a creative writing 101 exercise. He insists on doing it in front of a mirror, to better enjoy her beauty. She asks if he’d “do anything for her beauty”, and he says yes, and then she turns into motherfucking MEDUSA and turns him to stone.

Cut to Vicki’s office, and who should be in there but the victim’s agent: “He’s the kind of kid who never misses a booking.” Vic was named Brandon, an actor, “very dedicated to his craft.” She’s been referred by Cellucci; Vicki agrees to take the case. Coreen points out that Mike giving her a case is like another guy giving flowers. Vicki warns her not to give relationship advice.

Henry paints a portrait of his dame every year, to think about what she gave him and what she took away. Henry, therapy is easier, I promise. Vicki tears him away to go to the club where Brandon was last seen. Server remembers Brandon, and points Vicki to the “boss lady”, and of course, it’s Medusa.

She doesn’t give a name, and claims she doesn’t remember Brandon. She runs a clean club, so if it was drugs, he didn’t get them there, and she doesn’t remember him acting up with anyone at the club… but of course, the way she says it, we know he did, and that’s why she killed him. Good ol’ dramatic irony.

They both notice the snake tattoo on her chest, which I’m sure will come up later. Or, at least, it’d better, because I refuse to believe it’s only there so Vicki can be a jealous bitch [derogatory] about Henry looking at boobs. You’re not even dating him! WTF, Vicki? I hate some of this writing so goddamn much.

Henry did get some info at the club, as well: a website called Fox City, whose tagline is “Post Em and Boast Em”, with a bunch of photos of girls. Brandon was apparently a poster there, and the last thing he posted was *drumroll please*:

Medusa’s tattoo.

Mike also goes to the club and talks to Medusa, who tells him Vicki and Henry already asked. But this became a police matter just hours ago, so he had to ask… and Medusa had to flirt with him about it. Mike’s not bad-looking, I guess, but, like, he’s kind of awful? Oh, so, yeah, I should be rooting for her, huh.

Vicki and Henry break into Medusa’s house, and Henry hears a heartbeat – from a statue. Henry says it’s definitely alive, and then they hear someone at the door. Medusa has brought Cellucci home! Damn, girl, you work fast!

Vicki and Henry hightail it out of the house, and Henry grabs Brandon’s statue on the way out. They take it back to the office and brainstorm what could have turned a guy to stone. Henry points out that even though Medusa is Greek and owns the club where Brandon was last seen, they both looked her in the eyes and they aren’t stone, so. He also tells Vicki that Medusa brought home Mike Cellucci. Oh! Medusa’s name is Elena, I had missed that. Vicki says Mike just caught the case, that’s why he was there.

Marcia from the Brady Bunch saying "Sure, Jan"

Vicki goes to Mike the next day and tells him about Elena’s boobs on Brandon’s Fox City page. Mike proceeds to tell her it’s nothing and badger her about all the kinds of evidence she doesn’t have. They fight, and Mike reminds her that she’s off the case, since Brandon was officially reported missing. Vicki admits that, but has evidence! If Mike will just come to the office to see it… But Mike has to file paperwork on Elena’s burglary from last night, and that’s Vicki’s final straw. Mike is being manipulated and she’s not going to get through to him about it.

On her way back, Vicki drops by the club and leaves a message for Elena: “Ask her, does her house feel empty?” She immediately lets Henry know, and good thing: someone’s in the office. He attacks Vicki and they scuffle, but really, he’s here to smash Brandon.

Then there’s a whole scene where Henry comes to the office and he and Vicki talk about beauty and it’s all very terrible, and not very illuminating of character. I’ll spare you.

Mike goes to the club to pick up Elena. He tells her that Brandon had a crush one her; she pretends she didn’t know, though Vicki had been told as much and had already mentioned it the other night. She introduces Mike to her security guy, Dmitri. Mike goes to question him and Elena protests: “I thought we were going out.” Mike says it’ll just take a minute, and Elena is not pleased.

Dmitri says he likes working for Elena, he respects her. Mike prods him a little about the men who must bother her; Dmitri counters that Mike should be asking about Brandon. “Aren’t you looking for him? Why ask about her?” Mike says this is looking for Brandon, and there’s probably hope for him yet. Not completely a simp? is that how the kids say it?

Henry and Coreen go back to the club to see if there are statues in the VIP room, while Vicki buries Brandon. There are 5 or 6 more stone guys, and they get pics of all of them before Dmitri shows up.

Elena tries to make out with Mike, but he’s hesitant. She keeps asking if he finds her attractive, beautiful. He tells her that if she doesn’t have any confidence in her looks, he can’t provide it to her. She realizes he’s not in it for her looks when he tells her he would like to see her again, but he doesn’t do the fawning she seems to want. She assures him that wasn’t what she’s looking for, and he says he’ll call her.

They’ve figured out she’s Medusa, and Coreen takes us through the myth, how Athena punished her for being raped. Vicki goes on a little boomer rant about how Medusa can’t turn it around and cry victim while turning men to stone. Agree to disagree, Vick, we don’t know anything about these men. I’d like to hear the woman out first, actually. Coreen says Vicki should tell Mike; Vicki says Mike doesn’t want to hear it.

So Coreen calls Mike herself and tells him. And tells him that more of the victims were posting on Fox City, so, yeah, Vicki, I think she does get to turn a bunch of wannabe Tucker Maxes to stone. Absolutely.

Vicki has gone to confront Elena with pics of the victims and Elena says she can see why Mike called Vicki crazy. I mean, he definitely didn’t, and you’re not a nice person, Elena. Vicki isn’t the enemy, she’s just a cop, being a cop. You don’t need to make it personal, jeez.

Vicki goes to Henry’s to get a sword to kill Elena. Henry protests: Medusa is still in many respects very human. Has Vicki ever killed a human before? Will she be able to? Vicki has of course killed before! She was a cop!

Henry says he should hold the sword; Vicki insists she can murder, no problem.

At the club, or maybe her house, I’m losing steam in the back end here – Elena tells Dmitri to smash the statues. She tells him they’re still alive in there, Dmitri says he’s not afraid of her, and then Mike shows up (it’s definitely the club).

She sends Dmitri to get her a sandwich or something, and Mike very gently asks if the way she talks about her looks has something to do with trauma. Elena tells him about her sexual assault as Vicki and Henry creep up the back stairs, sword raised by Vicki already. Elena says she was made ugly, that she’s done things, and Mike asks if she’s “taken care of” those people who blamed her. She accuses him of being just like them, takes off a mask and turns him to stone.

But of course, Vicki’s here to stab her in the back – or, well, take off her head, and as soon as that’s done, everyone is alive again. Dmitri is crushed, however.

Mike meets Vicki in the forest, where she buried Brandon, and I think that she’s gonna tell him, oh, yeah, he got smashed and I buried him and here’s his body so his family can have some closure. NOPE! She tells him that Brandon’s agent hired her to get back $6000 she had loaned Brandon, and that Brandon had spent it on two plane tickets to Greece, because “he really thought they had something.” Uh-huh. Okay. Sure.

Mike says people fall in love with the wrong people all the time. Vicki agrees. End of episode.

Don’t really know how to feel about this one, kids. I mean, I definitely think any of this plot would have been better handled by almost anyone, but especially by anyone who knows what “nuance” means. But it wasn’t awful, so…. All in all, like a 70%. It passed. Barely.

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E7: Heart of Ice

Posted on August 25, 2023 by Catherine Winters

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Yes, the next episode is Heart of Fire, and maybe George RR Martin would be riled to hear it, but I’m betting these two are going to be more boring misogyny and baffling conflict-for-the-sake-of-conflict that comes outta nowhere. But let’s find out!

Vicki’s looking for an accountant who just stole $15 million. Cellucci’s hanging with her, because we start almost every episode at stasis: everything is fine with everyone, and we’ll get angry for no reason later. I appreciate the episodicality, the effort to make it a “drop by whenever!” sort of show, but I don’t know if it works so well here.

She goes through his cell records and finds a girlfriend, so case closed! Which is good, because Vicki needs to get paid. Cellucci offers to buy dinner, then invites her to Dylan’s birthday party on Saturday. Dylan is turning the big oh-seven, and he asked for “Aunt Vicki” to come to the party. Cellucci was over at Molly’s house, and Dylan overheard him talking about “seeing” Vicki again.

But Molly’s always liked Vicki, which is nice, but Vicki passed on the birthday party.

Cut to a group of unhoused people, including Francine, who thinks the shelter can “keep their damn salty soup” and then is quickly murdered by something that growls and sees in black, white, and orange – like a FLIR infrared, but not, like, really. Artistic FLIR.

Francine’s friend Annie shows up to Vicki’s office, since Tyrell and Linda have also disappeared in recent weeks. Vicki remembers Annie from working the beat; Annie says Vicki was the only decent cop she ever met.

Cellucci and partner whose name I cannot remember show up to a different crime scene. There’s no blood, so we can definitely look forward to another unhinged Cellucci rant about Henry. 1 victim, a pretty young woman, fang marks on her throat. Cellucci scans the crowd and sees a guy who doesn’t belong: JULIAN MOTHERFUCKING SANDS.

I mean, that can’t be right, and also how sad, because he was just found dead on Mt. Baldy in California. He’d been missing for a while, but weather and other conditions prevented a big search.

In any case, Cellucci tells the crime scene photog to get pics of the guy, but he’s already bolted. Dave, the partner whose name I should remember because it’s the same as my house skeleton, says it’s fine, they’ve been taking pics for ages, they’ll have him.

Vicki goes with Annie to the encampment and searches Francine’s space. No one new around the camp, no one had a beef with Francine. A lot of her stuff is gone already, which is to be expected, but doesn’t give Vicki any clues. She follows some drag marks to a culvert, and they find Francine’s bag.

At the precinct , Captain Lady is going through Cellucci’s desk and haranguing him about going through cold cases. He thinks it’s a copycat or repeat of a “vampire” killer; she’s a bitch for no reason, as usual. Do you not, like, have your own job to do, Cap? You just spend your days and taxpayer funds micromanaging Cellucci 40 hrs a week?

Henry is working while Vicki wants help with her case. Henry’s mad about it before Vicki says she wants to use his nose like some sort of fanged bloodhound, and then Vicki bounces, so the point of this scene is…absolutely nothing. Excellent!

Vicki takes Annie and the bag to Cellucci, who hates the unhoused and thinks their problems aren’t worth investigating. In other words, a “good cop”. Vicki badgers him, and finally he says he’ll help her if she helps him.

Oh! Henry goes to the culvert where the bag was and starts sniffing. They should have put this right after the other scene, because otherwise it looks dumb and pointless, but I don’t know why I expect these people to know how to write. (Credit where it’s due: this episode is much better than the last couple, but they don’t get a free pass just because they managed to follow the rules of procedurals for 15 minutes.) He hears the growling and does his little black-eyed vamped out routine.

Cellucci shows Vicki his vic. She tells him that Henry doesn’t kill, and Cellucci doesn’t buy it. She also alibis Henry, which he also doesn’t buy. Cellucci says if Henry didn’t do it, he’ll help Cellucci solve it. Sounds fun.

Henry runs into what is obviously a human who says he’s hunting a “windigo”, according to the captions, so I assume a Wendigo, which is the usual spelling.

So Henry brings the guy back to Vicki’s, where he (guy) describes the Wendigo as “pure hunger”, which will crack and gnaw one’s bones. Guy maintains it killed Francine, and he knows because he’s met the Wendigo before. It killed his dad, but never came at him, so he’s been hunting it ever since. Anyone who sees the Wendigo is marked for death; it’s followed him here. Oh, he’s unhoused, too. Huh. Didn’t look it, weird.

Henry says the cops can handle this, and Vicki agrees, especially since her deal with Cellucci. Henry refuses to help, though, so who knows.

OMG, IT IS JULIAN SANDS!!!!!! Holy shit. How did they get an actual name in this fuckin show?!?!

His name is Javier Mendoza, pronounced like a Castillian. He says he’s hunting for Cellucci’s killer, and they both know who it is: Henry Fitzroy.

Coreen is telling Vicki the history of Wendigo myths, that they all stem from people not wanting to believe how fast other people turn to cannibalism in the wilderness, and I’ll tell you what, I don’t like thinking about it either. There was some thread I ran across on Twitter during the Titanic submersible debacle that discussed it, from some sort of expert, and, like, do not go looking for facts if you are easily squicked. People like to eat people, it’s weird.

Javier Mendoza is an officer of the law – CANON LAW. He’s working for the Church, trying to bring Henry down. Delightfully unhinged. Catholics would try to hunt mythical creatures before pedos, wouldn’t they. Makes sense!

Mendoza says he has a way to neutralize vampires so they don’t kill again; he offers them “salvation”. Please. He wants Cellucci to turn Henry over, after claiming that Henry killed a woman around 50 years ago, after “seducing” her. I’ll put real cash money down that she’s related to Mendoza in some way, and that Henry isn’t responsible. I know how narrative works, and I’m pleasantly surprised that this episode seems to as well.

Cellucci, Vicki, and Henry get together to discuss the vampire cases. Henry maintains he didn’t do it. Cellucci asks if there are any other vampires in town he should know about –

– to which Henry replies, “We’re not all in the same book club.”

Y’all, I cackled.

Cellucci has brought every cold cases he thinks Henry’s involved in and starts badgering Henry. Henry recognizes the woman Mendoza brought, and says that yes, he killed her. No further details, and Cellucci knows he can’t bring charges for a 1944 murder, so Henry and Vicki leave, heading back to the encampment.

They go down into the sewer to look for more clues and run into Indigenous Guy from before. There’s growling, and all three of them head further in to hunt the thing. Which they find, and which attacks Henry and Vicki, but lets them go in favor of Guy. Henry ends up injured, and Vicki offers to feed him, but he refuses and says he’ll drop her off. They won’t be catching a Wendigo tonight.

There’s a little montage, and then Cellucci has a “hypothetical” conversation with another detective. If you knew who the killer was, but couldn’t make it stick, and another agency said they could deal with it and put the killer away – would she turn it over, even if the other agency maybe wasn’t as on the up-and-up as the regular cops?

She says she’d hand him over, because the important thing is to get the bad guy off the street. Even if that means no due process.

Coreen is still researching how to kill the Wendigo. She’s got silver bullets and hearts made of ice, and Vicki connects Guy hiding by the fire and Annie being near the fire to the ice heart, so they’re gonna try fire to kill it. Henry doesn’t think it’s their job, and he’s stayed alive by “picking his battles”, but Vicki rightly points out that there is no one else. Guy died, and he was the only one to even know what it was. Cops aren’t gonna touch this. Henry gives in.

Cellucci meets Mendoza at a dumpster, nice place. Mendoza maintains that Henry is just running around seducing and killing women all over the place for the last half-millennium. he says he needs Cellucci’s help, needs him to use some weird object on Henry to sap his power so Mendoza can kill him. Cellucci is hesitant, so Mendoza throws in a little misogyny to get the job done: it’s the only way to save Vicki from Henry’s clutches.

captain kathryn janeway, rolling her eyes

Vicki has a super soaker flamethrower, which is a choice on the prop master’s part. Explains why it was only a hundred bucks, though.

Oh, look at that: Mendoza has his “murder victim” imprisoned, and he’s going to let the sun kill her, because she’s a vampire. He tells her that he’s going to “save” Henry, too. Yup. That’s a canon cop.

Cellucci goes to find Vicki, but runs into Coreen, who presses some silver bullets on him. She describes them as “supernatural penicillin” – even if they don’t kill a creature, silver will almost always hurt one, or weaken it.

Vicki and Henry find the Wendigo, but Vicki’s flamethrower craps out at the last minute. Cellucci saves them with the bullets – yay! But then puts the object on Henry and reveals Mendoza – boo!

Mendoza takes Cellucci’s gun and locks him and Vicki out of the room he’s got Henry in. (Why the sewers have rooms with gates and locks, I have zero idea.) Vicki and Cellucci leave Mendoza to it, and the episode ends.

TWO-PARTER! I would have preferred a more drawn out battle with the Wendigo, then, but I guess we have to leave a full 40 minutes to defeat poor Julian Sands. See ya next week!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E8: Heart of Fire

Posted on August 22, 2023 by Catherine Winters

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Y’all. I will not lie to you: I am high as shit rn, had a whole bowl and then remembered it was recap writing day. But! I will not leave all, like, 4 of you who read these in the lurch! And who knows, I’ll probably be funnier, that would be my luck. Let’s do this thing!

You may remember from our last episode that Mike “Goddamn” Cellucci put an amulet on Henry “Fucking” Fitzroy (yes, I gave them nicknames) so that Julian Sands could capture and kill Henry on behalf of The Church. This was all after killing a Wendigo and solving the last case, as well. Busy bees!

So we open on Mike and Vicki exiting the sewers. Vicki is pissed. They have a huge fight in the street where Cellucci blames his bad behavior on being a cop, and for once, I agree!

Julian (I forgot his character name, sorry) is torturing Henry, obvies. I don’t know what’s actually more painful: the physical torture, or the quoting of Revelation. A hundred smutty fanfics have been inspired by Henry on that St. Andrew’s cross though, I know that.

At Vicki’s office, she and Mike have stopped fighting, and he’s telling her about the amulet. It’s called the iluminacion del sol, shaped like a sun with 8 rays. Vicki sends him back to the precinct to look up everything he can find on Javier Mendoza, which is Julian’s character!

Oh, lol, I completely forgot there was another case, with the vampire-bitten sex worker. Oops. Dave found out her name: Amy Davidson, street name Champagne. Captain Lady is on a rampage, so that Kate girl says she’ll cover for Cellucci’s absence and babysit his I guess unauthorized search for Mendoza’s background.

Javier is reading Henry’s biography, for some reason? or, like, charges? court charges of… vampirism?

Wait, it’s a flashback, Julian is the priest in both timelines. Really getting the vibe that part 2 here was not written by the part one writers, tell you what. It lasts like 15 seconds, anyway, I don’t know why it’s here?

Mike and Vicki question a friend of Champagne’s, ask if she ever had a date with Javier. Friend doesn’t know, but Friend definitely did. He took her to an old church, where he had a woman chained in the basement. The woman tried to bite Friend, who pepper sprayed everything and ran.

So that would be the vampire that Henry made, and Javier killed in the last episode to “save her soul” after repeated torture. Nice. Didn’t think this storyline was gonna go anywhere, seeing as how I forgot it existed, but I take back my earlier critique.

In Flashback Time, Henry asks the girl…guarding him? (ok, sure jan) for water. It’s the mid 1500s, and she’s got a loose veil hanging long from one pin in the back of her long, flowing hair. Historical accuracy is, uh, not a concept for these guys, eh? And then we’re back in the present, where Javier attaches some tubing to the Iluminacion del sol and starts emptying Henry of his blood.

spock and kirk from TOS. kirk says "whut?"

Like. Can you use vamp blood like that? Just, like, throw it on your plants or put it in moisturizer or something? Will it weaken Henry to lose it like it does humans? Why does Henry have blood flowing like humans do? Is that vampire biology, do they make blood? All the time? I’ve been thinking they eat the blood, and then the body converts that to whatever systems/substance animates them, like we do with food, just, like, way more efficient. And maybe magical, I’m not sure, it’s fantasy, after all, and I’m not a world-builder. This is just so… weird.

So Coreen is researching the Iluminacion, and she goes to see some professor named Dr. Sagara, and clearly we are supposed to know this person, who also knows Henry – but you guys, I have no clue who this bitch [affectionate] is. Never seen her, hadn’t heard the name except when Vicki said it a couple scenes back.

More torture – ohhhhhhhh, the bloodletting is so he’ll be hungry! Doesn’t explain why it’s in his veins, tho, but whatevs. Blah blah God, blah blah torture, blah blah Flashback Time.

Vicki and Mike roll up to the church, so confrontation and rescue are imminent – or are they? We’re only halfway through.

Javier shows Henry Delphine’s “confession” for more torture. A lot of monologuing from our villain.

Plot Twist! Delphine is alive, in the church Vicki and Mike went to. But before they can rescue her, the blinds open automatically and she’s sunlit toast. They search the church and find that Javier had been surveiling them. Mike is getting cold feet about being a dick to Henry: he thinks no one should die like Delphine did. “She wasn’t alive,” sneers Vicki, but to his credit he won’t be needled like that. “No, I mean, no one should have to be so vulnerable and alone.” Right on, man. Maybe someday I’ll take the “Goddamn” out your name

They head back to the precinct to regroup, and Kate has the results of the background on Javier Mendoza: bupkis. But she googled the name on the off chance, and he was a Grand Inquisitor who specialized in getting confessions out of witches.

to be honest , I kinda saw it coming this time

Apparently at the church they found a cup with stuff in it. Turns out that’s a Chinese herb for longevity and vampire blood. Javier has been making his own immortality potion to hunt vampires. Damn! Van Helsings could never. They do some actual investigative work and figure out Javier is hiding in another church – walking distance to Chinatown, just like the last hideout.

Vicki and Mike are checking churches, she wants to split up, he doesn’t, so obviously they do. I assume this was solely so Mike could complain about Vicki’s demon tattoos and how they seem to protect her, and so she would be in more danger when she finds Javier.

More Flashback Time with Henry and 2007 1500s girl. I’ll be honest, I don’t care, but it does show us that Henry isn’t hurt by holy objects. Girl lets him out and he eats her, which seems mean. Oh, wait, he changes her. Seems like that would need more consent, but ok.

Dr. Crusher rolling her eyes with the caption, Sure, Jan, from the Brady Bunch meme

Vicki is indeed in a bunch of danger: Javier grabs her before she even knows it’s the right church. He uses her as another form of torture, and reveals he’s still mad about 1500s Girl, cuz he had to kill her.

Mike calls Coreen when Vicki doesn’t call in. She has news about the Iluminacion: it steals the vampirism out of people, and Javier will have a key for it that will release if turned counterclockwise, but will destroy the heart if turned clockwise.

Javier leaves Henry and Vicki alone, but Vicki saws through her ropes. Mike runs into Javier on his way out; his pistol-whips him and takes the key. He bursts into the room and Henry attacks him, but Mike still gives up the key and the way to save Henry. But Henry doesn’t drink that much, just enough to go after Javier – whom he summarily devours, after saying a decidedly post-Vatican II Catholic grace.

Vicki pockets the Iluminacion, and everybody goes home. The end!

Gotta say, everything picked up with this two-parter. I was much happier doing these two recaps than I’ve been since FK ended, truth told! Decent pacing, a pretty good story, adequate – sometimes good! – writing. Let’s hope they keep it up!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E6: Love Hurts

Posted on August 17, 2023 by Catherine Winters

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All I can think is this:

such a good movie, highly recommend, it was free on Tubi a little while ago

We open at Vicki’s office, where she’s talking to the Gary Shandling you get on Wish about following his wife to prove cheating. For whatever reasons, she’s trying to talk him out of it? Vicki, how do you pay your bills?

Coreen wants it to be a fun little X-File, but Vicki says it’s not. And in the next scene, we do see that she is cheating, and her husband’s name is actually Gary. And then, of course, she’s dead, because this is a spooky cop show, after all.

Ooh, daylight’s all blue-filtered again. Are we Twilighting here? Vicki shows up to Gary Shandling’s ritzy house, swarming with cops, because Gary called her as well after finding his wife dead. 2007 TV hairdressers have gotten to Vicki, too, and it’s a tragedy of big, barrell-rolled half-waves all going the same direction and never moving. I’m glad TV people got big into braids and shit again; the aughts were a terrible time for TV hair.

Vicki goes out for drinks with Henry, who… does magic to her martini when she complains about it? Can he just… do that? WTF kind of vampire are you, Henry?

and also, wtf did you do to the drink? more gin? more vermouth? olive juice? WHAT?!

Anyway, Vicki’s complaining that Gary made a joke about hiring a hitman, and then his wife’s dead, and she doesn’t like being an alibi. Henry maintains she’s complaining because regular murder is boring, and yikes, even if it is, like, it’s murder? She really shouldn’t be complaining that someone else’s life ending horribly is “boring”, come on now. I already hate all of you people; don’t make it worse.

Henry asks if her client is afraid of the “justice” system, and she warns him not to talk bad about the cops, and what the fuck did I just ask for, Vicki? Did I ask for you to go all “back the blue” and be more of an asshole? No, I did not.

no, I don’t know why they’re always cops. or working with cops. not my fave genre, but I make do

Vicki won’t say Mike is bad at his job, so Henry leaves.

Next day, Vicki’s asking the trophy wives in the neighborhood what happened. They maintain that they’re all very happy, someone broke in to kill Gary’s Wife (I missed her name, sorry, I’m not rewinding), and it couldn’t have been anyone they’ve hired, because they vet everyone before they’re allowed in the neighborhood. Also, they all share the same gardener, who was “teaching us flower arranging” last night during the murder. Sure, sounds legit.

Mike and partner have nothing, all the prints have checked out. Oh, Dave, his partner’s name is Dave! Anyway, some woman hands Cellucci a file (Kate), and Dave makes some crack about them being in love? and then she says that whoever sent the file says that next time Cellucci wants a case from 1932, he can go fuck himself. Only, you know, no swearing. Also, who the fuck is Kate? Why is Dave making cracks about them flirting? WHY DOES THIS SHOW MAKE ZERO GODDAMN SENSE?

me, looking up “last writers strike” and going OHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Vicki chats up the gardener. He says he gave a class in flower arranging. Marcy didn’t go, and now I know the vic’s name is Marcy, though she was invited. The gardener is hitting on Vicki hard-core, standing way too close, giving her flowers, quoting poetry. Vicki giggles and tries to get the interview back on track, but fails, because…the guy is hot, I guess? Seems kinda gross and too familiar to me, but what do I know, turns out the A in A spec doesn’t just stand for autism, so, you know.

She then runs into one of the other husbands, who’s looking for his wife in his backyard, where Vicki’s been giggling at the gardener. He doesn’t have any real ideas, except for Gary. He has a whole collection of figurines that his anthropologist mother collected, and I assume they’re, like, erotic? because that’s how Vicki reacts, though most of them seem to be just heads. I hope this comes up again later, because I also had to sit through the line, “Women were really women back then,” and I would like my money back. (I spent no money on this DVD, it was a gift, but honestly, is my time not worth anything?)

So, so far, we have a sex-obsessed trophy-wife village, Henry doing bizarre magics that don’t seem to accomplish anything (colder? maybe he made the drink colder? the captions said “whoosh”?), a creepy gardener, Cellucci and a random extra, and anthropological statues that are sexy, despite a complete lack of phalluses. Great episode, thrilled that we still have… holy shit, more than 30 minutes to go.

a little pink person with a yellow speech bubble that says "oh no"

Pointless scene to almost kiss Henry, and then… the gardener is in Vicki’s dreams. Ah. Got it. Gardener is a weird creature, or witch, or whatever, killed Marcy while also giving flower lessons. Excellent. Now I just have to sit through…28 more minutes. Delightful.

More pointlessness with Henry. I think it’s supposed to be banter, like they’re in a 40s movie or something, but it’s just bad. Like, very badly written, and it’s not advancing the story of the episode or the story of the characters, so why is it here? Why am I sitting through this? (I mean, I do it for you guys, but besides that?)

Vicki goes to see Mike, he dismisses the gardener. She asks him to dinner, he gets jealous about Henry, and again, I’M BORED. It’s a procedural, get back to the fucking procedure. We know Mike hates Henry. We know he’s still hung up on Vicki. WE FUCKING KNOW.

So Vicki takes Henry to the country club to unleash his “mojo” on the trophy wives, since Vicki thinks they’re lying about the flower-arranging class. Henry says he doesn’t have “mojo”, but he did weird magic to Vicki’s drinks that did apparently nothing and she was then happy with said drinks, so, like, it’s more than charm, obviously, Henry. And more weird jealousy-nonsense about Henry biting the trophy wives.

I might be having a less-than-stellar pain day, too, but come on. Boring.

This country club looks like a 90s McMansion, so I guess none of these people is old money. Henry can’t find any evidence the trophy wives are lying, though. Coreen and Vicki are talking about Henry and Mike, of course, on their way back to the neighborhood to interview the gardener again, for some reason. Because whoever wrote this episode is not an actual human, is my guess, but maybe they’re just neurotypical, same difference.

Coreen posits that the killer is an incubus, and then they both hear screaming and Vicki busts into someone’s bedroom. There’s a hooded figure and a bright blue light coming out of the woman’s mouth, and then the figure is gone and no one’s seen anything. For some reason the anthropologist’s son is there, along with the lady’s husband? and Coreen? OK, sure.

Oh, because it’s an incubus, the episode is supposed to be sexy? Got it. Maybe have it written by someone who’s, I dunno, like, HAD SEX, tho? None of this reads as “sexy” unless you’re, like, 11 and don’t know what the word actually means yet.

Aha! The anthropological things can be used to summon incubi. At least they came back around to those, though someone should really have googled for five seconds before creating them. Apparently, the wives have a drinking – excuse me, “networking” group, where they get drunk as shit. They played with the artifacts one night and then the gardener showed up the next week, so seems like he’s the incubus and I was right.

Less than 15 minutes to go!

Arguing with Mike about whether or not incubi exist, and secondarily, whether one is at work in this case. Yawn. They need to use “sexually frustrated” Vicki as bait to trap the incubus. Vicki goes to borrow the artifact. Dude who owns it is mad about it, especially because his wife paid off the mini-mansion mortgage. Yawn. Henry and Mike are both at the trapping, with Vicki in her underwear. Jealous fighting. Yawn.

They trap the incubus, he says he didn’t kill anyone. He gets food, shelter, and sex from the gardener job, he loves the women, what’s his motive? Fair point, dude, and this actor is putting his whole ass into the work, but still. Coreen’s hair is very, very weird. They move onto another artifact, one of the Furies: Megara.

But she did, and they go to the last trophy wife’s house and save her. The fucking end.

I remembered this show being not very good, but still fun. Much like I remembered Moonlight. I don’t know what I was smoking in 2007 (not true, it was nothing, I wasn’t even on cigarettes then!), but I watched all these shows, and I did not remember them being the absolute steaming piles they have turned out to be. Is it hindsight? Is it changing social mores? I don’t know.

And I know these recaps aren’t as fun as, say, a good FK episode, but, like, WHY ARE THEY SO BAD. I know there was a writers’ strike in ’07; I had no idea they hired ten-year-olds off the street to write absolutely insane trash and then put that on the actual television.

No wonder these things only got single seasons. I wouldn’t be able to slog through more than that.

ANYWAY – I’ll be back next week, ever hoping for a half-decent 45 minutes of television, but I don’t have high hopes. If y’all have any vampire show suggestions, I’m down, because oh my god. Could something else be worse? Yes, of course, crappiness has no boundaries. But I’m getting to a point where it feels like anything could also be better, and I want to have fun! I want to make cool jokes! I don’t want to have to keep being like “why are NTs like this”, because it’s boring!

I love you guys, and I love recapping, but I dunno. Might have to start recapping the YouTubers I watch – at least they’re interesting!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E5: Deadly Departed

Posted on August 10, 2023 by Catherine Winters

SGRoA post 93 of 122

Another day, another lack of dollars, another recap. I’m actually batching these this week, because my basement is so much cooler than my upstairs, and I can hide down here in the dark like the little gremlin I am, waiting for winter. Let’s get started, fellow gremlins!

We open on…bugs. Framed bugs, like, entomology bugs. Beetles, it looks like, specifically, and no, I don’t know why I’m so interested. Vicki’s reading in her office, and I’m delighted the bugs are hers.

Mike walks in and says that he got her messages, but he’s been “busy”. Doing what, Mike? Trolling other incels? Oh, he’s complaining about Henry being a vamp and how Henry must be a danger to other people, even if he’ll allow that he’s not a danger to Vicki, specifically. Mike complains it’s weird, and Vicki reminds him of the guy they put away who stuffed his victims and made them into marionettes, and, like, yeah, Mike. A little iron deficiency and a pair of fangs is fuckin nothing in that comparison.

Mike finally concedes the point by having Chinese food with Vicki (who bought for their regular hang session, and ordered way too much). But he doesn’t, y’know, like, apologize, or anything.

Some guy in an ill-fitting suit is working late in his office; the lights go out. His phone rings, and he answers as if it’s his wife, but it’s someone telling him he’s dead, “you hear me?” He hangs up the phone, but it keeps ringing, and then there’s like a zombie guy on his computer monitor. So he runs to the elevator, thinks he’s good, and then the zombie/ghost guy is in the elevator, reaches into his chest, and kills him. Cue the theme song!

Y’know, I never really watched the opening before, there’s so much kissing. Like, way more than has happened in the actual show. Weird.

Anyway. Dead guy is Freddy Stamp, a lawyer. His widow is in Vicki’s office, giving her the rundown on the case so far. She doesn’t believe it was the heart attack it looked like, so she’s come to Vicki, since she thinks that a dead client of Freddy’s killed him: Magnus O’Connor.

Meanwhile, Mike is at work, googling “vampires” like a weirdo. Vicki is here, looking for the file on O’Connor. Seems he was an inveterate assaulter, once got pulled over for a traffic stop with a severed head on his passenger seat. Freelanced for the Irish mafia, that kind of stuff. Killed someone in prison the first day – and killed himself in prison last week.

So Vicki’s next stop is obviously Henry, the only dead guy she knows. She walks in after barely knocking only to get a sword thrown at her, to which she drily responds, “Work not going well?” Vicki has her faults (this is 2007 Lifetime, after all), but comebacks aren’t one of them.

She lays the case out to him while he sketches her holding the sword. Henry says that O’Connor must have hired someone, easy. Vicki isn’t so sure – why hire someone if you’re planning to off yourself? So Henry says that obviously, O’Connor must have wrought vengeance from beyond the grave – a possibility that Vicki dismisses out of hand, despite, you know, everything she’s experienced lately?

Vicki heads to see Magnus’s mom. She owns a salon, and she says that Magnus was always a good boy, helped support the family after dad died, bought her the salon, etc. Her other son threatens Vicki after Mom tells her to leave, and Vicki maintains she’s not intimidated and then leaves.

The ME hasn’t found anything out of the ordinary except bruising on Stamp’s heart – it looks like someone reached into his chest and squeezed his heart until he died. “Like I said, cardiac arrest,” says the ME, trying to get her own comeback award. Vicki then asks about O’Connor’s suicide. ME looks it up: O’Connor slit his wrists and carved a pentagram into his own chest. “Right up your alley,” she says to Vicki.

Back to Mike we go, to chide him about not telling Vicki about the pentagram. He “refuses to give you any more reasons to go after the bogey-man” and, just – why, Mike. Why are you like this. Who raised you.

Mike gets called into …the captain’s office? (Look, it’s been a hot minute since I watched any of this, and I don’t remember this lady, but she’s yelling at Cellucci, so even though Vicki hates her, I’m guessing she’s not all bad.) Vicki heads out after a parting shot about how “the rules don’t solve cases”.

She heads back over to Henry’s, this time with the crime scene photos and file on O’Connor’s suicide. He did it in a circle of salt, with a glass of water and incense, and used an “elaborate shiv”. Henry identifies it as Celtic magic: O’Connor killed himself to kill Stamp. Vicki isn’t so sure – seems a bit much, even for someone as savage as O’Connor. And y’know, she’s not wrong. A lot of guys – especially freelancers – who work with mobs of various sorts will go to jail, sometimes often. It’s considered by a lot of them to be a cost of doing business: sometimes, the state’s gang will come up against your gang, and someone might have to do some time. Not usually a big deal; they’ll feed little fish to the authorities and keep the big fish out, if possible, but sometimes a big fish has to go, to. Seems a little excessive to kill yourself just to get to your lawyer, especially for a guy like O’Connor.

Henry says he knows someone they can ask for more details on the magic, maybe he’s wrong – but he’s reluctant to contact them, because it’s been a while, and we can all assume this is some vampy ex or something. Vicki isn’t deterred; she wants to solve the case, and doesn’t really care if Henry isn’t on good terms with all his exes.

Cut to another middle-aged guy getting into a car, hurriedly, scared. Can’t tell why, because all I hear is car horns and someone gently revving a not-souped-up engine, and just, like, why is Canada so nice? Do they not have those assholes with the fart cars who rev for funsies?

these dipshits, who make me so happy when they crash

Anyway, in case you don’t know how narratives work, this guy is also killed by O’Connor reaching into his chest and squeezing his heart.

Vicki and Henry end up at a “fortune teller” shop, with a woman named Sinead who is Henry’s magic expert. Vicki is immediately hostile, for some reason? Sinead does a weird little optical illusion as her entrance – she’s in the mirror, but not in the room, but then is sitting down at a table! SpooOooOooky! But she’s otherwise quite normal, asking Henry why he hasn’t been around and inviting Vicki to sit to discuss the case. Vicki refuses, and Sinead refuses to look at Vicki’s file. She dumps some runes out, then says she wants to see Vicki’s magic tattoo – the one she got from the zombie episode, I think? Henry is now hostile, too. What on earth is wrong with these people? Why does no one in this show act like a regular human being? If people aren’t being bitches to you, don’t be bitches back!

like, is this neurotypical shit, or what?

Sinead says the tattoos can focus energy, that they’re a type of spell. She then says that Henry’s faith dictates her magic is evil, but she’s more “enlightened”. Henry says it’s “foolish”. Ok? SO WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME, HENRY.

Sinead says the spell O’Connor did was a cleansing one, a simple one to prepare the soul for moving on, and anyone could do it. Vicki and Henry turn to leave and Sinead says that “gratuities are always welcome, there’s a box on the table”. Henry grabs Vicki and tells her not to touch the box. In the hallway, he reiterates that Vicki’s tattoos are “evil” and that Sinead was wrong about them. Vicki says that Sinead is hiding something, and so is Henry – and Henry confesses that he was involved with Sinead before he knew “how immersed she was in the Dark Arts.”

So. Let me get this straight. YOU suggested going to Sinead. YOU said she was an expert in magic. YOU refused to tell Vicki anything on the way over. And now you’re throwing Sinead under the bus?

MOVING ON… George Neely, a prosecutor, was the second victim. ME says it’s the same MO, same perp. She fingerprinted the hearts, and was able to lift a partial and a full thumb, both matching O’Connor. Vicki calls Cellucci to ask after the presiding judge in the case, because clearly, O’Connor has a list.

Sinead shows up at Henry’s apartment, not really apologizing for using magic on him, which seems to be his major beef with her? (I mean, I’d think it weird that I couldn’t tell her apart from every other brunette on every other show in 2007, but that’s a personal peeve, I think.) She tells him she won’t use magic on him – and she still won’t mind if he drinks her blood, so he does.

Vicki is at Justice Pettigrew’s house, trying to stop a murder, I’m guessing. She goes right into the house when no one answers the door, hears a phone ringing, finds a hidden room and Pettigrew in it. Apparently he went to hide after getting a call from O’Connor, but that was it – just a call. Vicki suggests that O’Connor has more to be angry about than merely being convicted, and Pettigrew eventually confesses that he, Neely, and Stamp railroaded the guy. Though he claims Stamp didn’t know – they buried some sort of technical fault with the evidence-gathering that would have gotten O’Connor off, but since “everyone knew” he was guilty, they thought they were doing the right thing. Vicki tells Pettigrew to pack a bag, they’re going into protective custody.

Sinead uses a potion to keep Henry in bed with her. She says she had a vision that he’s in danger if he goes to Vicki, but he’s offended she used magic and he goes anyway.

Vicki hands Pettigrew off to Henry, telling him to get a hotel, use cash, blah blah. But before they can go, O’Connor is coming through the door. Vicki grabs his ankle and her tattoo glows – focusing that power, perhaps? O’Connor shrugs it off, though, and goes into Pettigrew’s panic room – through the bookcase – and kills him.

Vicki has to call 911, obviously. The Captain lady shows up and asks Vicki what the connection between the victims is – and if Vicki doesn’t cough up the info, she won’t be allowed anywhere near this case anymore. “Quid pro quo or persona non grata,” she says, and Vicki looks pissed, but, like, yes? That seems reasonable? What am I missing here? Why is everyone so pissed at everyone else all the time?!

Vicki gives it up, and says that she thinks a member of O’Connor’s family is getting revenge. Captain sends Mike and his partner to interview the O’Connors again, then tells Vicki that she should have gone to them about Pettigrew, and his death is on Vicki’s hands. Whatever. Post-hoc justification for Vicki being a bitch.

Cellucci asks Vicki who it was, she says O’Connor. Cellucci wants proof; Vicki tells him about the fingerprints. Cellucci just moves on to who’s next; Vicki says probably the cop who collected the evidence in the first place, and Mike is taking this very well. Mike says compared to all the other weird shit happening lately, killer ghosts don’t seem like much. Oh, really? Is that why you’re all twisted about Henry having fangs, Mike?

Mike says he’ll look up the cop, but Vicki can’t keep him out of the loop. Vicki says he could lose his job for that? Why? Because he’s acting on a tip? What kind of a police force is this, Toronto?

High Waisted Dad Jeans — Oh. right, that kind.

Back at her office, Vicki posits to Henry that Sinead was right about the tattoos. Henry maintains that they were made by black magic, and they’ll draw black magic to Vicki. Magic isn’t that simple, Henry, but leave it to a vampire to literally never ask a question of anyone, including other paranormal beings.

Vicki goes to Sinead’s to ask about the tattoos. Sinead says everything they need to know is in the box Henry told her not to touch, and Henry again says not to touch it, and that Sinead better talk. About what? O’Connor? The tattoos? Life, the universe, and everything? When Sinead seems put out by Henry’s continued hostility, he starts to open the box, facing Sinead. Weird light and screams come out of it, and she looks frightened.

Meanwhile, Cellucci and partner have O’Connor’s brother in the interrogation room. He lawyers up, after maintaining that O’Connor didn’t hire anyone.

Sinead says that the pentagram in Vicki’s tattoos binds her to the demon (Astaroth, Henry helpfully reminds us. I do not remember this *at all*, so, thanks, I guess?). Henry wants to know how she’s bound, but “only time will tell.” She then says that O’Connor’s spell blocks the passage of the spirit, and she lied to them about it because she didn’t want to get on the wrong side of someone who would do such a spell. She says the person who did it is in the photos.

They figure out that O’Connor’s spell bound him to his mother – so she’s the one who killed everyone. With a ghost, I guess, as the weapon. For all the time we spend on this show in displays of bizarre hostility, we could have decent explanations of how the magic works, but where’s the fun in that?

Cellucci comes in just as they figure it out, and says we’ll never guess who was responsible for fucking up the evidence. And he’s right, I wouldn’t have: it’s Captain Lady!

Cellucci goes to keep her safe, while Vicki and Henry go find O’Connor’s mom. They find O’Connor’s brother, stuck in a salon chair with melted hands. He says that their mom made O’Connor kill himself, that she wanted the revenge more than anyone. Henry tries to help his hands, but he says his mom will let it wear off, if he’s good. Henry can’t believe she’d do this to her own son, and, like, Henry. You’re 500 years old. You’ve never met a child abuser before?

the 10th doctor looking confused, with the caption "What?"

Blah blah blah, buncha pointless dialogue, and then Mrs. O’Connor is summoning outside the station just after Henry and Vicki go inside. There’s some very bad CGI of O’Connor’s ghost coming out of her mouth, it’s great.

For some reason, Captain lady has gone outside? and then Cellucci follows, so he sees her getting attacked by O’Connor. Henry puts his hand over Mom’s mouth, to stop her spelling, I guess, and Vicki reaches into the ghost’s chest and pulls out his heart.

Captain lady is alive, Mom O’Connor is dead, Vicki is a remarkably intuitive magic user, and Cellucci doesn’t mention that a ghost attacked Captain lady. (Her name is Crowley, apparently, but I hate-watched all 15 seasons of Supernatural, so no, I’m not going there.)

And then Mike takes Henry’s fingerprints off a water glass, so clearly, everything’s fine!

See you next week, same bat time, same bat channel, Snowflakes!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E4: Gifted

Posted on August 1, 2023 by Catherine Winters

SGRoA post 92 of 122

Y’ALL. I have been watching that LuLaRoe documentary on Amazon and OMG. OMGOD. These people are something else. Have you been watching? Have you ever been involved with LLR? Let me know in the comments or on my socials, because holy fuck, is that some good trainwreck watching. Almost couldn’t pull myself away for a recap this week. Almost.

We open on a… comic shop? It’s named “Beguiling”, which screams “boutique clothing” to me, but sure, it can be a comic shop. Vicki is hanging around, reading “Blood Price”, one of Henry’s novels. Convenient that it’s one of yours too, Vic! A couple guys who work there try to talk to her, and they’re acting like their super nerds who won’t ever see a woman’s unclothed ankle, but this is 2007. I can guarantee nerds hot enough to be cast in a television show were drowning in it – just like all nerds, everywhere, when they’re just regular people. Why we keep hanging onto this nonsensical 1950s high school hierarchy as a society is baffling to me, and I need it to stop so I don’t have to take a giant paragraph to bitch about it at the beginning of my supposedly funny tv recaps!

Blergh. Anyway. Henry’s in there every week for new comics Wednesday and they banter about getting to know each other – Vicki says the books will tell her a lot more than he will, but honestly, I wouldn’t take the author’s views as the person’s, Vic. I write a lot of shit that looks absolutely nothing like my life, trust. I am very boring in person.

Somewhere else, a lady is trying to get her daughter down for the night because the movers are coming in the morning, and they are apparently going to pack every single item in this house before they move it anywhere, because this kid has art on the walls – in frames and out – and toys everywhere and fancy curtains still up and clothes on the floor. Like, come on. My places have all looked like depressing squats the night before moving: bed on the floor, nothing on the windows, every trace of human levity or joy replaced by builder-standard finishes and ugly beige paint. I wanna know how much these luxury movers cost, man!

So, kid refuses to move and says she hates her mom, and then the whole house shakes and a monster appears in the kitchen. You know, normal kid stuff. And then it’s time for the theme song!

Coreen has run an ad for the PI biz, proclaiming no case too strange and that they specialize in the paranormal. Vicki protests: “I’m not Ghostbusters!”

But it’s getting them clients, and clients mean money, and Vicki’s 10:30 is already here. They tell the story absolutely super backward – clearly we’re supposed to assume that this woman is related to the lady and the kid we already saw, but there’s literally zero indication of that until the end of the conversation. So in order, here’s what happened: Old Lady (Emily) came in to get help finding her daughter’s husband. Her daughter, Celeste, has been murdered, and Emily knows that Steve (the husband) didn’t have anything to do with it. But Emily’s granddaughter, Sarah, is living at her boarding school now, and she’ll have to go into foster care if they can’t find Steve. I think. Again, they told this fucking backward for zero reasons, and I am assuming that Celeste and Sarah are the mom and kid and demon imaginary friend.

SO. Vicki takes the case, obvies. Emily is sure that Steve had nothing to do with the murder, so Vicki gets to work.

First stop is watching the tapes of Sarah’s interview with police, where she’s a little too adamant that no one else was in the house besides her and her mom. Celeste’s wounds look like bites and scratches, and they have no leads yet. Steve and Celeste split a year ago, and Steve seems to have vanished, so much so that no one thinks he’s involved in this murder. Mike’s boss tells Vicki in no uncertain terms that she’s not on the homicide, so stop asking difficult questions and stick to your stupid missing persons case.

Vicki manages to leave without fighting with Mike – but that’s just because Mike manages not to say anything misogynistic or ableist while she’s standing there.

But then Graham (his partner) comes in with the background check on Henry? which he already did? so I guess this is, like, a deeper one? I guess we just have to rehash Mike’s reasons for being such a dick, though it won’t provide any justification, MIKE.

Vicki heads over to Sarah’s school and talks to the headmaster. It’s a school for “gifted” children, which is a whole other boondoggle of a term that I’m not going to get into here, but trust, it’s all bullshit. Sarah is supposedly a talented artist, but Steve wasn’t into the art, or Sarah’s education at the school. The headmaster wasn’t impressed with him, but we don’t get any more of that because Sarah’s brought in to talk to Vic.

Sarah maintains that her father doesn’t want her – that he, in fact, hates her, and left because she was bad. Vicki reassures her, as you would, but Sarah runs off. So Vic goes back to ask the headmaster some more questions about Steve.

Meanwhile, Henry’s getting his drink on at a club while Mike is interrogating the weird-ass doorman dude at Henry’s building. Doorman lets slip that Henry tips well at Christmas, keeps night hours, and has a revolving bed of women in and out of the penthouse.

Vicki cuts short Henry’s meal to request company at Celeste’s house. Vicki’s searching for anything that might indicate Steve’s whereabouts – she finds it hard to believe that he would just abandon his family and never talk to them again, though that sounds like a tale as old as time, to me. All she has so far is Emily’s word that Steve is a stand-up guy, but everyone else says he just up and left. I understand she has to do her best for her client, but wouldn’t it be easier to check DMV records or something?

While going through mail scattered on the floor, Vicki finds one of Sarah’s pictures in an envelope from the school, with a note for Celeste to call Sarah’s teacher. It’s dated one week before Sarah died, and the picture shows Sarah standing over a dead Celeste in the kitchen, a giant monster standing next to her.

Vicki and Henry head to the ME’s office to ask about Celeste’s murder. Claws again, though clearly not from a dog or wolf or bear or anything. Also, whatever it was kept clawing at Celeste after she was dead. Henry asks the ME if the thing Sarah drew in her picture could have made the wounds on Celeste, and she says sure, if that thing existed. Vicki and Henry head out, but she’s not happy about him showing the pic around, because it doesn’t mean anything, monsters aren’t real. Henry disagrees.

So, Steve’s a mechanic and into classic cars, and Coreen finds him by calling classic restorers in the greater Toronto metro. So, Coreen is the PI now? Vicki just hangs out with Henry doing unnecessary B&E’s?

Before going to interview Steve – and, presumably, have to tell him about the death of his ex-wife and the orphaning of his child, since the cops didn’t know where the fuck he was – Vicki tells Coreen to “get on the Net” (yes, it’s capitalized and everything!) and research anything supernatural that could be Sarah’s monster.

Huh, Steve’s a short king, and very much not in the mood to be asked questions about his ex. Oh, he does seem like a jerk: he gives Vicki an alibi immediately, and says he cannot help Emily, she’ll have to find someone else. Vicki protests that that’s his kid! but he does. not. care.

Vicki thinks it’s all hinky, especially now that Steve won’t have anything to do with Sarah. To be fair to Vicki, Steve definitely didn’t act like a guy who hated his family, or didn’t want to be a father. He seems like someone who literally cannot help, and is tired of being asked. Vicki talks it over with Mike, and she’s pretty insistent that something’s weird, but Mike, as usual, thinks she’s wrong.

So Vicki goes back to talk to Sarah, who maintains that Daddy left because he hates her, but he never hurt her or her mom. Vicki asks about the picture, and Sarah says that’s not her dad; that’s Buttercup, her stuffy! Buttercup wouldn’t hurt ANYONE, and she resents the implication, and she runs off to her room.

So Vicki talks to her classroom teacher. Sarah’s been drawing weird shit for over a year; Steve never seemed to care about her; Teacher was trying to get hold of Celeste to discuss it. While they’re talking, though, the headmaster goes through a locked door to a hidden part of the school, where they’re doing psychic experiments on the kids. Sarah’s in this weird bit, and he says that they “have to talk about Buttercup”.

He tells her that Teacher betrayed them by sending the pic to her mom, and Teacher must be dealt with, or Sarah will end up going away. Sarah says, as the school starts shaking, that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone, but the headmaster goads her into producing Buttercup and attempted-murdering Teacher.

Mike shows up at the school because the paramedics called him because Vicki was involved.

Mike asks what happened, and Vicki tells him, and Mike thinks she’s lying or crazy or hysterical or whatever. He brings up Henry again, because OF FUCKING COURSE, and then leaves in a huff, luckily just before Henry shows up to accompany Vicki to interview Steve again.

He tells her that she has no idea what’s happening, and she should stay away. Besides, Celeste wouldn’t let him help Sarah at all, anyway. Steve’s super stroppy until Henry mojos him, and then he says fuck it, I’ll tell you.

Sarah’s imaginary friend kills and hurts people. They were desperate for help when Headmaster found them, and at first the school seemed good – incidents stopped around the house, Sarah seemed happy. But then she would want something, and Buttercup would just take it. Things escalated until Buttercup attacked Steve, and he knows that’s what killed Celeste. He’s terrified of Sarah, and with good reason, and he will not take her out of that school. He stalks away, though he can still hear Vicki as she screams the house down about abandoning fathers. Look, Vic, your dad sounds like an asshole, but your psychic-powered imaginary friend didn’t try to kill him, so mayyyyyyyyyyybe these situations are a little different?

Mike is still trying to figure out Henry, so he’s at the comic shop, being condescending about From Hell and asking rude questions. He learns basically the same things: night owl, lots of hotties throwing themselves at him. He obviously follows this up with staking out (heh. stakes) Henry’s apartment.

Steve is going around the damn bend. Drinking at work, pulling a gun out of his toolbox and loading it. He calls Vicki’s office and leaves a message about taking Sarah out of the school, and Vicki goes after him, trying to get Henry’s help on the way. She runs into Steve immediately, and says she’ll help him get his daughter.

Henry gets Vicki’s message as he leaves his place; he hurries to his car and Mike follows.

Headmaster goes to the secret door and unlocks it; Vicki and Steve accost him and follow him in to Sarah. Steve says he’s taking her out of the school, and Sarah starts wilding out. Henry and Mike stop for a small spat in the front driveway about Mike’s following Henry, but then they’re headed in to “save” Vicki, who’s having to listen to Headmaster monologue about… Satan? giving Sarah her powers? Weird addition, but sure, makes a good monologue.

Henry breaks down a door that Mike couldn’t budge, and how long is it before Mike figures out the vampire thing? Or won’t he, because that’s too “hysterical”?

Sarah’s being a bitch, the room is shaking, Buttercup is on the loose, Henry breaks in and is choking Headmaster, Vicki and Steve are talking Sarah out of her bitchery. Sarah acts nothing like a child, just for the record. I don’t know any children who have ever acted like this, or ever would, no matter who was influencing them to use their freaky telekinesis. Pretty sure Sarah’s like, Fae or some shit, man, but this is the end of the episode, so of course they convince her that Steve loves her and Headmaster is a bad guy, and Buttercup is a dick. Everyone goes home happy, Headmaster goes to jail, and Mike is reduced to asking Henry “what” he is.

So Henry answers.

And Mike promptly overreacts about the vampirism.

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E3: Bad Juju

Posted on September 9, 2021 by Catherine Winters

SGRoA post 91 of 122

Hey, Snowflakes, Editing Cate here. I got off track last week and somehow just… never published the recap?!?!?! I’m blaming my chronic pain, but let’s be honest: we all know it’s the weed.

In any case, here’s the recap! I’ll be back with the next ep next week. Enjoy!

Happy Friday, Snowflakes! Do you have big plans for the holiday weekend? The Union Pacific Big Boy train engine is going to be in Denver on Monday, so we’re probably going to take the little train (light rail) to the Big Boy and have a very autistic day – provided we have the sensory energy to begin with, of course. lol. Too autistic to autist. Well, let’s get to the jokes!

Toronto never changes, y’all: most of the establishing shots look like they’re from the same stock footage bank Forever Knight used. Oh, I love it so much. After our skyline, we’re taken to the Juju Lounge, where Vicki is interviewing a new client, Angelique. She’s from New Orleans, and whatever stereotypical nonsense you’re picturing, I need you to double it.

I mean: Juju Lounge, complete with a skull in a top hat logo; French name; sort-of maybe Haitian accent; “jungle” theme in the bar. I’m pretty sure most of this is racist, too? Like, I’m not exactly sure how, because I am painfully white and was told we solved racism in the 60s when I grew up, but it feels like something we just should not be doing.

But Angelique is nice! She’s looking for her missing brother, and Vicki tells her to go to the cops, because they don’t charge out of pocket. Angelique insists she won’t call the pigs, and good choice, Angelique. I’d pay out of pocket for competence, too. She gives Vicki a list of known associates/friends/people of interest, her contact info, and enough cash for a week or so. She does tell Vicki that the brother, Royal, was mixed up with a bad dude: Henri Gregoire. Vicki starts to ask more, as they leave the club, but they are attacked…

a blue keep calm sign that says "keep calm it gets better"

…by a zombie.

OK, I guess we’re doing this. I don’t know why I expect better of 2007, it has proved itself to be a very shit year over and over again. I guess I just have trouble understanding why you’d do the same old boring spin on something that was already hacky in the 80s. So, New Orleans Zombies it is. Sigh.

Vicki fights him off for a bit, and Angelique runs, and the zombie goes right after her. And he kills the friend that’s with them? even though he just knocked the friend to the ground? OK, Blood Ties, sure. I guess there has to be a murder for Celluci to show up.

Vicki confesses to him that the suspect seemed like a zombie, and Mike yells at her about it. She admits that she doesn’t know what was going on, that clearly it’s not supernatural, but this is how the perp acted. Mike doesn’t care, because it’s nighttime and Vicki’s half blind. And he insinuates it’s Henry’s fault?

Vicki goes straight to Henry, because Mike does have a point: Henry knows about weird shit. He teases her about wanting him, and she teases him about being conceited, and eventually she admits she needs his help. Henry immediately is serious and attentive as she tells him about being zombie-attacked. Henry confirms it’s a zombie “from voodoo” (which, yes, problematic as hell, but I’m not qualified to get into it), and he tells her to stay the fuck out of it. Vicki refuses, of course, and he tells her he’ll work the case with her to keep her safe – and vamps out on her a little bit to remind her that he, himself, is a Big Bad, and she should really take him seriously when he warns her.

The antagonist from The Princess and the Frog sits on his throne of human bones and tells a lackey that his zombies are going to find his enemies, or something. I’m not exactly paying attention because holy shit, y’all. Holy. Shit.

Well. That’s…something, isn’t it? Anyway, let me rewind a minute… Oh, ok, this must be Gregoire. He’s looking for Angelique, and he tells the lackey that if they don’t find her, his zombies will find them, and then he makes the guy barf up a snake. Sure. Why not.

Coreen has a bunch of research on voodoo and zombies. The tattoos on the victim were symbols for power and protection, like sigils specific to voodoo (which, again, wildly problematic, I know, but I’m going with what they’re calling it, since it’s clearly just a stereotypical portrayal.).

Henry and Vicki head back to the bar, where suddenly the bartender has no idea who Angelique is, or who she was with the other night, or why anyone would be looking for her. Henry tries to rough up some information, but no dice – and it gets them almost chased out, while Gregoire’s lackey looks on.

Some guy comes out of the bar right after them, and they follow him because…? Vicki says something about someone will warn Angelique or something, but, like, no? What? Why? Why would the next guy leaving the bar be headed for her? I don’t get any of this, but sure enough, dude leads them to Angelique, whose lines are being run backwards to make it sound more “voodoo-y” when she’s “whispering incantations”, as the captions tell me. But she turns around and gives us some much needed exposition instead.

Her parents were a priest and priestess; she and her brother were supposed to follow in their footsteps. They were killed by the “dark faction” of their religion, and now her brother is missing and she’s being stalked by that same faction.

Vicki offers help immediately, and Henry pulls her aside to yell at her that this is super duper dangerous. Just like the demon was. I’m getting the feeling just like everything will be. Can these guys just let Vicki live her life? Damn, y’all. She’s grown. She can make her own decisions. Stop yelling at her.

Vicki ignores him, of course, and takes Angelique back to her office, because at least she can keep an eye on her there. Coreen immediately asks to be initiated into a spiritual practice she has zero claim to, and Angelique shuts her down because “the spirits are not to be toyed with” but honestly, Coreen, it’s racist af. Please stop appropriating: there are plenty of white people spiritual practices you can look up on your own time. I’m a witch, I know.

Henry and Vicki go to the station to see Mike, who was running down Henri Gregoire in the PD databases for Vicki. Before he can tell her that there were zero pops for her guy, Mike has to get in some snobby jabs at Henry for being a “cartoonist”, and Henry has to be a jerk about it, and I’m glad you boys could get your dicks properly measured today, but now they have to go back in your pants.

a Reductress headline that says, "Why I stopped Meditating and Started Screaming"

Gregoire is a ghost, Vicki tells the boys to STFU, and it’s back to the JuJu Lounge which, despite its being after hours, is still unlocked, the bartender dead, and the zombie suddenly lurching up from the floor to attack our heroes. They manage to impale the guy and leave him pinned to a wall, groaning and moving still. Vicki apologizes to Henry for almost getting him killed, despite that not actually happening, and then she demands to know why he’s so touchy about voodoo, because clearly his wanting her to drop this case is personal, because he’s so heated about it? despite his being exactly as heated as in the last episodes about demons? buh?

Chris Hemsworth as Thor saying, "I have no idea what's going on" — like, none, y’all

Anyway, in the last round of 20s, he went to Haiti with a woman he met in Paris, and she was killed by voodoo practitioners and turned into a zombie, apparently. Whoopdeshit. I mean, like, if this story were true, I would feel for him, but I’m pretty sure that it’s a pile of racist horseshit, so I’m pretty over this episode, honestly.

The next evening, Vicki heads to the precinct to tell Mike she can’t make their dinner date (but she could show up? sure), but he did find some more out about Gregoire – though “more”, here, is very generous. Dude runs a little magic shop and sells potions and spells to people, and no one wants to talk about him or what he does, really. Mike asks Vicki how this guy is connected to the body, and she says zombies, and Mike gets mad again.

kristen wiig in bridesmaids saying "are you fucking kidding me?"

Vicki tells him she’s not shutting him out of the cases, he just refuses to believe her. She says that she’s been exposed to a whole new side of life, and if he can’t accept that, that’s fine – but it’s going to look like she’s withholding if he doesn’t want to hear about it.

So Mike immediately tells his partner to run a background check on Henry. “For the case”. Which Graham (the partner) questions just as quickly, calling Mike out that this has more to do with Vicki than with the case. Mike denies it, vehemently, but Graham’s right, Mike. Graham’s right.

Vicki tells Coreen and Angelique that she’s headed down to Gregoire’s shop, and Angelique gives her a bracelet “for protection”. Coreen asks for help with her love juju – she’s trying to attract Henry (though she doesn’t say it outright), and Angelique tells her that they should start from scratch on the juju. I have to assume this will do something later, because otherwise it seems weird to include, especially with Angelique’s neutral-to-almost-angry expression while Coreen asks for help turning to a radiant, perhaps expectant smile as Angelique suggests a new spell. We’ll see.

Henry and Vicki show up at the shop – it’s where Gregoire keeps his bone throne.

Gregoire throws his voice to taunt them and sends the zombie – yes, the one they impaled, still walking around, because magic, I guess – to lurch at them ineffectually. When he finally shows himself, he says that Angelique is the “dark faction”, and that he had to take her brother, because they were terrorizing people. Angelique needs to go, too, because she eats little kids’ hearts to stay young and she’s going to bring her brother back from the dead.

And true to form, Angelique removes Coreen’s mouth when Coreen objects to the spell Angelique is doing – clearly not a love juju. Gregoire’s zombie falls, and Gregoire tells Vicki that she’s wearing a bandeau that is killing him – the bracelet Angelique gave her. He hands over the amulet with Royal’s soul in it (yes, yes, it’s ridiculous) right before he dies, and Vicki and Henry rush home to save Coreen.

Angelique has made a doll of Vicki with hair from her brush, and of course it works. She wants the amulet, and of course Vicki refuses. Angelique says she can wait another night, but will Vicki survive? And then she’s gone, with the doll. Coreen’s mouth comes back, and they regroup to plan to get the doll back and figure out where Royal is buried – that’s where Angelique will have to go to bring him back.

Gregoire and his zombie have been found, so Mike calls Vicki to see what’s up. She tells him, and he’s mad again, because she’s “lying” again, and he hangs up on her.

But he doesn’t have time to stew! Henry’s background check came back! And it appears Henry needs to hire some better guys: he has perfect credit and no other records. Dude, that’s sus af. All the red flags just went up for Mike, and I’m sure only good things can come of that. /s

Vicki, despite being “eaten” by a “grave bug” that Angelique put on the doll, heads off to the cemetery Coreen found. Henry follows after sunset, after asking Coreen where Vicki went. He thinks to bring salt to scupper any spells.

Obviously Angelique is already there, set up to bring Royal back, and Henry walks right in with the amulet, like a dumbass. So Angelique has Royal’s body, Royal’s soul, and the sacrifice of Vicki – though not for long. Henry breaks away from her guard, grabs the doll and removes the bug. Vicki hits Angelique over the head and crushes the amulet, so the half-alive corpse grabs Angelique, the crypt starts to fall apart, and Henry and Vicki escape.

Mike stops by the office the next morning, fresh off the crime scene at the cemetery. He asks if Vicki was there, and she fobs it off with a half sort of denial, but HE’S STILL MAD AT HER ABOUT IT.

So they go to breakfast, the end.

Not the best episode of television I’ve ever watched, but also not the worst. Yes, it was racist and badly researched and derivative, but the dialogue was good, the plot kept a-moving, and all the details were relevant later on, so at least it was a competent episode of television, which is more than we can say for a lot of things. *cough* Moonlight *cough*

Hopefully the next one will be better, and at some point, Mike Celluci’s nards will get kicked. That’s all a girl can ask for, I think!

Catherine Winters

Author, Trekkie, Troublemaker.

Category Archives: Blood Ties