Okay, Snowflakes, I’ve had a bowl, my water bottle is full, and I’m ready to be shocked at the mediocrity of syndicated vampire TV from the aughts. Let’s do this!
Mike and Vicki are running. Things are still touchy – Mike did almost kill Henry, and Henry returned the favor. They’re both unhappy about all of it.
Two people are making out. She tells him to close his eyes and concentrate on other senses, and then we make him do a creative writing 101 exercise. He insists on doing it in front of a mirror, to better enjoy her beauty. She asks if he’d “do anything for her beauty”, and he says yes, and then she turns into motherfucking MEDUSA and turns him to stone.
Cut to Vicki’s office, and who should be in there but the victim’s agent: “He’s the kind of kid who never misses a booking.” Vic was named Brandon, an actor, “very dedicated to his craft.” She’s been referred by Cellucci; Vicki agrees to take the case. Coreen points out that Mike giving her a case is like another guy giving flowers. Vicki warns her not to give relationship advice.
Henry paints a portrait of his dame every year, to think about what she gave him and what she took away. Henry, therapy is easier, I promise. Vicki tears him away to go to the club where Brandon was last seen. Server remembers Brandon, and points Vicki to the “boss lady”, and of course, it’s Medusa.
She doesn’t give a name, and claims she doesn’t remember Brandon. She runs a clean club, so if it was drugs, he didn’t get them there, and she doesn’t remember him acting up with anyone at the club… but of course, the way she says it, we know he did, and that’s why she killed him. Good ol’ dramatic irony.
They both notice the snake tattoo on her chest, which I’m sure will come up later. Or, at least, it’d better, because I refuse to believe it’s only there so Vicki can be a jealous bitch [derogatory] about Henry looking at boobs. You’re not even dating him! WTF, Vicki? I hate some of this writing so goddamn much.
Henry did get some info at the club, as well: a website called Fox City, whose tagline is “Post Em and Boast Em”, with a bunch of photos of girls. Brandon was apparently a poster there, and the last thing he posted was *drumroll please*:
Medusa’s tattoo.
Mike also goes to the club and talks to Medusa, who tells him Vicki and Henry already asked. But this became a police matter just hours ago, so he had to ask… and Medusa had to flirt with him about it. Mike’s not bad-looking, I guess, but, like, he’s kind of awful? Oh, so, yeah, I should be rooting for her, huh.
Vicki and Henry break into Medusa’s house, and Henry hears a heartbeat – from a statue. Henry says it’s definitely alive, and then they hear someone at the door. Medusa has brought Cellucci home! Damn, girl, you work fast!
Vicki and Henry hightail it out of the house, and Henry grabs Brandon’s statue on the way out. They take it back to the office and brainstorm what could have turned a guy to stone. Henry points out that even though Medusa is Greek and owns the club where Brandon was last seen, they both looked her in the eyes and they aren’t stone, so. He also tells Vicki that Medusa brought home Mike Cellucci. Oh! Medusa’s name is Elena, I had missed that. Vicki says Mike just caught the case, that’s why he was there.
Vicki goes to Mike the next day and tells him about Elena’s boobs on Brandon’s Fox City page. Mike proceeds to tell her it’s nothing and badger her about all the kinds of evidence she doesn’t have. They fight, and Mike reminds her that she’s off the case, since Brandon was officially reported missing. Vicki admits that, but has evidence! If Mike will just come to the office to see it… But Mike has to file paperwork on Elena’s burglary from last night, and that’s Vicki’s final straw. Mike is being manipulated and she’s not going to get through to him about it.
On her way back, Vicki drops by the club and leaves a message for Elena: “Ask her, does her house feel empty?” She immediately lets Henry know, and good thing: someone’s in the office. He attacks Vicki and they scuffle, but really, he’s here to smash Brandon.
Then there’s a whole scene where Henry comes to the office and he and Vicki talk about beauty and it’s all very terrible, and not very illuminating of character. I’ll spare you.
Mike goes to the club to pick up Elena. He tells her that Brandon had a crush one her; she pretends she didn’t know, though Vicki had been told as much and had already mentioned it the other night. She introduces Mike to her security guy, Dmitri. Mike goes to question him and Elena protests: “I thought we were going out.” Mike says it’ll just take a minute, and Elena is not pleased.
Dmitri says he likes working for Elena, he respects her. Mike prods him a little about the men who must bother her; Dmitri counters that Mike should be asking about Brandon. “Aren’t you looking for him? Why ask about her?” Mike says this is looking for Brandon, and there’s probably hope for him yet. Not completely a simp? is that how the kids say it?
Henry and Coreen go back to the club to see if there are statues in the VIP room, while Vicki buries Brandon. There are 5 or 6 more stone guys, and they get pics of all of them before Dmitri shows up.
Elena tries to make out with Mike, but he’s hesitant. She keeps asking if he finds her attractive, beautiful. He tells her that if she doesn’t have any confidence in her looks, he can’t provide it to her. She realizes he’s not in it for her looks when he tells her he would like to see her again, but he doesn’t do the fawning she seems to want. She assures him that wasn’t what she’s looking for, and he says he’ll call her.
They’ve figured out she’s Medusa, and Coreen takes us through the myth, how Athena punished her for being raped. Vicki goes on a little boomer rant about how Medusa can’t turn it around and cry victim while turning men to stone. Agree to disagree, Vick, we don’t know anything about these men. I’d like to hear the woman out first, actually. Coreen says Vicki should tell Mike; Vicki says Mike doesn’t want to hear it.
So Coreen calls Mike herself and tells him. And tells him that more of the victims were posting on Fox City, so, yeah, Vicki, I think she does get to turn a bunch of wannabe Tucker Maxes to stone. Absolutely.
Vicki has gone to confront Elena with pics of the victims and Elena says she can see why Mike called Vicki crazy. I mean, he definitely didn’t, and you’re not a nice person, Elena. Vicki isn’t the enemy, she’s just a cop, being a cop. You don’t need to make it personal, jeez.
Vicki goes to Henry’s to get a sword to kill Elena. Henry protests: Medusa is still in many respects very human. Has Vicki ever killed a human before? Will she be able to? Vicki has of course killed before! She was a cop!
Henry says he should hold the sword; Vicki insists she can murder, no problem.
At the club, or maybe her house, I’m losing steam in the back end here – Elena tells Dmitri to smash the statues. She tells him they’re still alive in there, Dmitri says he’s not afraid of her, and then Mike shows up (it’s definitely the club).
She sends Dmitri to get her a sandwich or something, and Mike very gently asks if the way she talks about her looks has something to do with trauma. Elena tells him about her sexual assault as Vicki and Henry creep up the back stairs, sword raised by Vicki already. Elena says she was made ugly, that she’s done things, and Mike asks if she’s “taken care of” those people who blamed her. She accuses him of being just like them, takes off a mask and turns him to stone.
But of course, Vicki’s here to stab her in the back – or, well, take off her head, and as soon as that’s done, everyone is alive again. Dmitri is crushed, however.
Mike meets Vicki in the forest, where she buried Brandon, and I think that she’s gonna tell him, oh, yeah, he got smashed and I buried him and here’s his body so his family can have some closure. NOPE! She tells him that Brandon’s agent hired her to get back $6000 she had loaned Brandon, and that Brandon had spent it on two plane tickets to Greece, because “he really thought they had something.” Uh-huh. Okay. Sure.
Mike says people fall in love with the wrong people all the time. Vicki agrees. End of episode.
Don’t really know how to feel about this one, kids. I mean, I definitely think any of this plot would have been better handled by almost anyone, but especially by anyone who knows what “nuance” means. But it wasn’t awful, so…. All in all, like a 70%. It passed. Barely.