I mean, I certainly hope not, but this is our penultimate episode, so I understand the sentiment. Let’s go!

Vicki’s trying to close up for the night when Coreen brings in a walk-in client. His name is Lee, and he hears Vicki takes weird cases. Sure, she says, and because he looks all of 16, asks if Mr. Wilson stole his ball.

No, says Lee: “you have to help me find my wife.”

After our opening credits (which I just learned have a RAP VERSE, it plays over the closing credits), Vicki asks if they’ve been together long, or if it was “a whirlwind schoolyard romance”. Lee says 400 years, a dozen lifetimes, and I assumed he’s a vampire, but no. Coreen says they’re reincarnated, and I guess that’s what we’re going with.

Everyone heads off to Henry’s – Vicki calls him “a historical consultant”, because of course Henry should be involved. Sincerely. He’s had the most experience with weird shit. Anyway, Lee admires his art and starts talking some 1920s slang, which Henry parries nicely. Henry decides Lee is telling the truth, so they should take his case: that is, find whoever his wife has reincarnated as in this lifetime.

He starts taking them through his history. First time they got together, he was “a mohawk guy and she was a preacher’s daughter”. Like, in the 80s? asks Coreen, and yes: 1682! So he was a Mohawk, not a punk, lol. This episode so far is very charming, I’m having fun.

They stole a canoe and drowned, but at least they were together. They met at a tree, and I guess I’m supposed to assume they always meet at the tree, but he doesn’t actually say that till the next scene, where they’re all four looking for the tree. Only it’s gone: victim to a shopping mall. Vicki quips about “urban sprawl”, and I won’t bore y’all with it, but I’m super into urbanism and city planning, so, Vicki, you have no idea, trust. (Watch CityNerd on YouTube or nebula, he’s excellent.)

Henry leaves to get dinner, because despite the fact it looks like it’s maybe 10pm, he’s “running out of night”. He tells Lee to trust Vicki, and Lee says he does, and also he needs a place to crash. Coreen offers the office couch, and everyone disbands for the evening. Oh, excuse me, the deep, dark, dead of night.

Down at the precinct, Captain Lady (I forgot her name again, she hasn’t been in an episode since single digits, I think) tells Cellucci it’s time for his performance review. He’s immediately defensive: he’s up to date on paperwork! He’s maximizing his downtime! Closes come in cycles, he’ll be solving cases again soon!

Captain is having none of it. This cycle has Vicki Nelson all over it. If Mike isn’t careful, he’ll be following Vicki into the dark. Review is tomorrow.

Back at the office, Lee is talking more about his past lives. They’re all jumbled, he can’t necessarily pinpoint who he was last time. He’s seeing a car wreck, a red VW, and Alice, his girl. He thinks his name was John? They always die together, and are born as the next babies. Sometimes they have years together, sometimes only hours. Vicki doesn’t find it romantic, but Coreen is completely starry-eyed. Have to say, I’m with Coreen.

Lee describes his wife – tone deaf, hates cats – and Vicki calls Cellucci to start finding her. But, like, why not start with birth records?! They die together, they’re born close enough to Toronto to always go to that tree – why are we going straight to Cellucci? Who, by the way, pretends Vicki is his uncle when he answers the phone, because Captain Crowley (! thanks, Vick!) is still around. She’s asking for an accident report instead, which…. fine, okay, it’s maybe the last bad episode I have to watch, let’s just roll with it.

Some guy in a dark alley throws a knife at Henry, which he catches, and HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS YOU GUYS IT’S BLU MANKUMA!!!!!!!!

Captain Joe Reese himself! Do you think he ever talks about Nick? Wait, he didn’t know Nick was a vampire, did he? How incestuous is the Canadian acting scene?!

Holy crapballs, this is Augustus? Apparently Henry wants to move on, and Augustus Reese is going to help him do that. They set a meeting for the next night at Henry’s place.

The accident report works out for Vicki and Lee. They find Lee’s brother through it – or, well, John’s brother. The accident was 25 years ago, with only one fatality. They go ask the brother about it, and turns out, Lee was in a coma, and it took the brother 10 years to pull the plug. Lee is incensed and yells at the guy that he should have let him go immediately, and of course the brother slams the door on them.

Still no birth records talk.

Cellucci left the accident report with Mohadevan, so Vicki stops in there to read it. Two paramedics got into a fight at the scene, and Alice was apparently a hemophiliac? Which Mohadevan says is very rare in women, but she gets regular emails from the Hemophilia Society, so she knows how many there are in the city, somehow. Just three, so it’s handy that they just sort of… list people’s medical problems in email blasts, I guess?

Vicki and Lee head off to the one woman in the right age range, Helen. Lee knows her at the door, and she certainly seems to know him back, but what’s this? A husband?!?!?! Like, yeah, guy, she’s 25, not 15. Y’all are out of sync. She lies to her husband and says she doesn’t know Lee, and Vicki hustles him out. He fights the whole way, unable to control his emotions.

Vicki asks Henry to talk Lee out of pursuing Helen. Henry refuses, and Vicki’s objections are pretty lame, honestly. She’s 10 years older! She’s married! So tell him to wait a bit, but Helen clearly knew him on that doorstep, and now she’s going to have to make some decisions, but come on, Vicki. Henry tells her she doesn’t understand her client, and that’s true: she’s fighting against belief in him, which isn’t going to help.

So she… gets Helen’s library records?! WTF. How can she even do that? Canada, do y’all have just absolutely zero privacy laws? A little medical record here, a list of library books there… Like, listen, I know America’s a total shithole, but at least Vicki can’t find all the incredibly shitty books I’ve taken out of the library over the years. Damn.

Anyway, Helen has taken out a bunch of books about reincarnation, most of them repeatedly over the last few years. Vicki also has some sort of alert up, because her computer chimes and we find out that a) it’s the month of the anniversary of the car accident, and b) someone sent flowers to the grave of John Smith, aka Lee. But we never get to learn who’s sent the flowers, so I don’t know what this is doing here.

Then there’s a very weird scene of Lee watching Helen’s husband eat a sandwich on a bench. Husband looks up, sees Lee, then Lee disappears when a bus passes, and Husband throws away the sandwich and leaves.

Vicki goes back to John’s/Lee’s brother Jeff, and asks if he knows Helen. He says yes, she came to see him when she was a teenager, and knew things about Alice that she couldn’t have known. He says he once went to see Alice while she was alive and he hit on her, and then Helen told him to forgive himself, because Alice had forgiven him. A pause, then he tells Vicki that she dredges up terrible memories every time she comes, so please leave him alone. Vicki quips back “That’s what my mom says every time I go home for the holidays” and wtf, Vicki, don’t just trauma dump on this stranger! And also, wtf, Vicki, cut your bitch mom off then!

So Vicki calls Coreen and says Helen is a liar, which – yes? Did you see her face on that porch? Were you even there, because I was, and obviously she was lying about knowing him, wtf. Her husband was standing next to her! She can’t just break his heart for something she thought she imagined a decade ago! Jesus, the position you all have put her in, the doubts she’s having, the doubts she had ten years ago… This woman is being tortured, she doesn’t deserve bitch Vicki calling her a liar. Fuck’s sake.

Anyway, Coreen and Vicki head to Helen’s, and Lee is already there, on the lawn, listing all the times they’ve found each other. Vicki’s being a bitch about it, but Helen opens the door and comes out to Lee. She asks why he couldn’t stay away, and kisses him, then tells him it’s too late and sends him away. Coreen goes after him, Vicki stays with Helen – only then they’re both in Vicki’s office, for whatever reasons.

Helen’s pregnant, yikes. No wonder she can’t entertain Lee. She and Vicki have one of those weird conversations about love that’s supposed to reveal something about Vicki, but this episode is clearly written by neurotypicals, so I don’t really understand what’s happening here, sorry. Helen loves her husband, obviously. She also loves Lee, and she will forever, apparently, but this is her first chance at having a baby because of the hemophilia and their timing is ruined and it always ended in tragedy, so…. And all of that I get, but I’m not sure why it’s here, or why we’re in Vicki’s office, or why we have to listen to her deal with her own (incredibly stupid) love triangle.

Maybe I just really hate Vicki, Henry, and Mike. Probably more likely.

Henry and Lee are doing much the same.

Apparently Lee is in Letterkenny, and Helen was on Battlestar Galactica, so that’s a fun fact! Two fun facts!

Vicki busts in on the boys’ night and tells Lee to move on, to learn from his mistakes and move on! So Lee just leaves, and then Henry kicks Vicki out for not believing in happily ever after. And then he pulls the trigger with Augustus, so I guess it’s bye-bye Henry.

We are only halfway through this episode, my god. At least Lee is charming, and Joe Reese was here.

Lee runs into Helen’s husband, who… starts physically fighting him? Pushing him, shoving, telling A 15-YEAR-OLD BOY to stay away from Helen or he’ll regret it. AND THEN ACTUALLY STARTS A FIGHT. With a child!

I – uh – I don’t have anything to say, here. What is this plot?! Helen was just telling us how wonderful this guy is, and he’s starting fights? WITH CHILDREN?!

Lee almost kills the guy, and Vicki and Mike have to fight at the crime scene about it. She tells him about the case, and Captain Crowley walks up to yell at them both and threaten Vicki with jail time for obstruction.

Honestly? Crowley’s right! Mike is throwing away his career to help Vicki, Vicki is obstructing cases! Like, I get it, vampires and gods and past lives and witches and shit, but holy crabcakes, stop meddling! Stop using police resources for your own ends! Stop thinking you can do whatever you want because you used to be a cop, Vicki!

Joe Reese – excuse me, Augustus – is at Henry’s, complaining about the wine Henry serves him. He seems much more relaxed in this new job, good for him. This is actually interesting lore, too: Augustus asks Henry a bunch of questions about what he’s looking for, what the territory he’s giving up is like, stuff like that. I love some good procedures and rules of operations, y’all know that.

Augustus’ family has been keeping the peace between vampires for 4 generations! No wonder he went undercover as a police captain! Gotta keep Nick Knight in check, or he’ll be worse than these jabronis.

Lee stops by the office to thank Coreen, then steal her wallet. Jeff offers him a car, and they reconcile before Lee flees.

Oh, good, last 10 minutes, thank the fates. Vicki calls Mike to tell him that Lee might kidnap Helen, and to look up his old acquaintances from 40 years ago. She also tells him that Lee is dangerous – “He’s been a soldier, a trapper, a thief, a tracker” – and all I can think of is Sinatra. Mike calls the car at Helen’s, but no answer, so obviously we’re all converging on Helen’s.

Lee hustles her out the door, despite her saying she doesn’t want to. He ties her to a tree, seems to be killing them both to restart the cycle? She defends her “kind” husband to him, but again, STARTED A FIGHT WITH A CHILD, and Lee is unfazed.

Vicki and Mike arrive at the house roughly together, and Mike tells Vicki to scram before the other cops show up and they both get in trouble. Vicki goes to Henry, runs into Augustus on his way out, but Henry offers to help because kidnapping is a bridge too far.

Helen is trying to talk Lee out of it. She’s tired, it always ends badly. Lee has a gun on her when Henry and Vicki show up, and Vicki spills the pregnancy news. Everyone’s trying to talk him out of it, but isn’t Henry fast enough to disarm him? It’s a gun, not a stake, what is Henry doing?! Why is he even here?

Next scene, Lee is in the box with Cellucci, because apparently he just gave up? Excellent writing, thanks, love it.

Lee takes a plea, Mike calls the office and tells Coreen, but doesn’t want to talk to Vicki. Vicki also tells Coreen that Henry’s moving on, and we end on a shot of Vicki, staring out at the rain.

Only one more to go!