SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E10: The Turning Point

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Because it’s halfway through the season, yes, but also because for once, Stefan broke up with Elena, and I can’t wait to see how absolutely zero consequences there are for that. Let’s go!

Oh, the recap tells me that Damon actually mentioned someone was covering up Logan’s death. I missed it because like 90% of this show’s dialogue is pointless or repetitive, so remember that as a writing tip, kids! If you bore your audience with mostly nonsense, they won’t get the details they need for future plots to make sense.

We start where we left off: Logan on Jenna’s doorstep. She’s mad, he says he was out of town, she says she knows, she got his stupid email. Logan is surprised by the email, so someone was covering something up. Jenna doesn’t let him in, though, and he goes on to eat a jogger on the street. These vamps have just no concept of self-preservation, do they? Weirdest monsters ever, damn.

Jeremy is reading his dad’s diary and learning about the vamps. It’s a standard TV journal: leather-bound, no lines, plenty of weird little sketches to go along with the narrative. I have never seen a journal like this in my life, so maybe that’s how we know this is all a simulation, when our diaries become screen-ready.

Damon and Stefan are discussing where they’re headed, because they “can’t stay here”, even though that’s obviously what’s going to happen for seven more seasons, when Sheriff shows up. She wants to talk to Damon about another vamp attack, Logan’s attack. Damon keeps up the pretense that he’s an upstanding member of the founding families and Stefan listens from inside. Sheriff wants Damon to be in charge of hunting it, because he’s the only one who’s ever killed a vampire before.

Matt and Caroline are flirting and Bonnie and Elena approve. They talk about Damon attacking Bonn and Stefan leaving Elena.

Stefan can’t leave now that there’s another vampire in town, obviously!!!!!! How dare Damon think he’s going to keep his plans to leave? I dunno, Stef, maybe y’all should just bail, leave these people to the hell they keep making for themselves.

Stefan immediately goes to tell Elena about it, while Matt justifies hanging out with Caroline to his friends. I don’t understand why these scenes are cut together, but they are, so.

Me, watching right now.

Oh, holdup, the journal isn’t Jeremy’s dad’s, it’s from the 1800s. First gen vamp hunting. The dude is related to them, but was a horror writer. Easy way to keep the truth on the down-low. Good reason to kill the novelists. (no but fr, you’ll get so many more jokes if you read my books.)

Caro follows the compass for Damon, who takes it from her at what looks like a random commercial building and then mojos her to forget he asked the favor and go home. He can’t just use it, because he interferes with the signal, obviously, but I’m wondering if vamps have some sort of extra magnetic signature? What is the compass picking up on? How does it point to a vamp? I mean, yes, hand-wavy magic, obviously, but…. I dunno, I like puzzles. Extra iron from all that blood?

Damon walks in and Logan shoots the shit out of him, six shots, all over the body. They’re wooden bullets, too! Nice. Logan knows it all, obviously. He woke up in the ground behind a car dealership, no idea who made him. Logan assumes it’s Damon, but no: Damon only bit him. Someone fed him, and now he can’t even get into his own home because he has to be invited in? To his house?! That’s bullshit, man, nobody’s magic works that way, it’s ridiculous. He’s been living at a motel and eating people, who are now stacked up like cordwood in his warehouse.

Cut to the school’s college fair, where we meet the true horror: Military recruiters.

Just a cover for Sheriff and Mayor to talk about vampires. And for us to get point-three seconds with a bunch of other characters. Tyler makes art (I thought he was dead?). Matt wanted to be an astronaut once. Stefan stares longingly at Elena and we’re back to the warehouse for lore convos.

Logan lets it slip that the rings and the daywalking aren’t “in the journals”. Damon refuses to answer any more questions, because he suspects Logan was turned by one of the hunters, or a vamp working for the hunters, and he’s not going to give anything else away. Logan refuses his questions and shoots him some more before leaving.

To go to the college fair? Time has zero meaning in this show, and while it was full daylight when Elena and Stefan started talking about their latest breakup, it is now fully 8 PM by the clock in the hall, and fully dark outside.

Have I told y’all the story about how I have a novel almost fully finished, except that I fucked up the timeline and put like, seven weeks of story into four weeks of book time? Yeah, I’ve been thinking I have to fix that before I publish but, like, CLEARLY I should stop giving a shit and just rake in the dollar dollar bills, y’all.

Miss Piggy looking irritated or angry

Elena takes Jenna away and Logan starts in on Stefan about daywalking. Logan threatens Stefan with exposure; Stefan is hard as stone. Logan’s getting nothing, and he’ll thank Stefan for it.

Elena asks Jenna how Logan acted when he came to the house, because she’s thinking vampire. Jenna says he was very insistent on being invited in, and Elena tells Jenna never to even speak to him again. Stefan calls Damon, who relays his meeting with Logan and tells Stefan he’s feeling vengeful. Stefan says Logan is at the school, so Damon hangs up, saying he’ll see Stefan momentarily.

Caroline tells her mother she wants to go into broadcast journalism. Sheriff says, “But you don’t even read the paper”, and when Logan shows up a second later, I’m fully rooting for him to kill her. What a bitch. Be nice to your kid, lady, or someone will cheer for your death. She immediately draws her gun, but then puts it away, because what does she think she’s going to do? Kill Logan? Bury him in another shallow grave? Logan has guessed correctly that she covered up his death, and she shows him she has zero compunction marking him as the enemy now. He threatens her; she calls for backup.

Jeremy tries to talk to Tyler about art. Ends in a fight. Mayor drags them off to talk, to which Alaric seems to have some objection? Yeah, that guy’s a vamp. Or some sort of overlord of hunters or something. He knows who’s involved, seems like.

Logan offers Caroline a ride home, and she accepts, because why wouldn’t she? Especially with an interest in journalism. But of course, he knocks her out basically as soon as she’s in her seat. Good thing some kids saw her get into his car. I hope.

me, thinking about Caroline dying

Matt tells Elena that Caro got in Logan’s car basically immediately. Stefan goes after her.

Mayor tells Tyler and Jeremy to fight, like real men, but Tyler doesn’t want to and they’re soon interrupted by Alaric, who calls Mayor “an alpha-male douchebag” and says if Mayor keeps pushing, it’ll end up with the two grown men in a fight. Mayor takes Tyler and walks off, telling Alaric “you’ve marked yourself”, whatever the fuck that means.

Logan calls Sheriff from the car: he’s going to turn Caro. Stefan pulls him out of the car, and Damon shoots him on the street. Stefan takes Caro, Damon tells Sheriff they’re on Elm Street and Caroline is fine. Logan gets his life by telling Damon there’s another way to break the spell on the crypt beneath the old church. He hits Damon as Sheriff drives up, then escapes, and Damon apologizes to Sheriff because he “wasn’t strong enough” to stop Logan.

Stefan goes back to the school instead of either staying with Caroline or helping Damon, which is certainly A Choice.

Jeremy talks to Tyler again, trying to connect with him over his terrible father, but Tyler wants none of it, of course.

Stefan and Elena drama.

Elena says she loves him. They both look so constipated, I’ll assume they’re sad, or something, but they still have sex.

Alaric shows up at Logan’s weird warehouse, saying he’s a friend of Jenna’s, she deserves the best, she’s going to get it. Logan tries to get him to fight, but Rick says he’s not a violent man “by design”. Logan vamps out, thinking he’ll kill Rick, but no such luck: Alaric has a stake at the ready, and boom, no more Logan. Maybe.

Matt tells Tyler he likes Caroline, and he’s not going to apologize for it.

Sheriff tenderly strokes Caroline’s hair, then gets a call and leaves.

Elena and Stefan have after chatter and cuddles. Apparently the sex was good, not bloody. Elena snoops, obviously, and finds out she’s a dead ringer for Catherine and immediately freaks out.

Sheriff thinks Damon killed Logan, but Damon is at the church ruins when she calls to thank him. “This town owes you so much.”

Elena leaves Stefan’s, drives way too fucking fast, hits someone standing in the road and flips the car. She seems mostly okay – except that the person she hit’s bones all immediately knit together and they come after her.

a chipmunk turning suddenly with dramatic sound effect

Luckily, we don’t have to wait for the holidays to be over before we come back from mid season break! I’ll see y’all next week to find out who the fuck is coming after Elena now!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E2: Night of the Comet

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Ugh, that title makes me think of Archive 80? 88? on Netflix, which was weird and amazing and cancelled after 1 season because Netflix. There was a whole thing about Haley’s Comet, it was so cool. Anyway, let’s get started!

We start with a Metric song, one that’s on my vampire playlists, too. Little different when it’s about Josephine, imo. A couple is camping in the woods, waiting to see the comet. He goes outside, she hears rain, obviously it’s his blood dripping down on the tent. Hey, Damon, maybe you wouldn’t have to kill so many people if you didn’t waste food!

Dear diary: Elena can sense change, and Stefan is *awake*. They’re both very hopeful and pinning their good moods on the other, which in no way is a good idea, in case you wondered. I mean, I know I have a lot of emotional advantages because of the alexithymia – I will never have an emotion and immediately think I should act on it, for example – but anyone can separate their overall mood from another person, and you should. Regulate your own selves, my loves. It’s actually much easier that way.

Aunt Jenna is off to Jeremy’s parent-teacher conference, which again, feels like a thing the writers wanted to happen, not an actual parent-teacher conference. For one thing, it’s still August! It would be back-to-school night, if anything. Meetings first thing in the morning on the maybe? second? week of school are trouble, Jenna. No wonder you’re asking Elena if you look adult enough.

Jeremy left early to visit Vicki in the hospital, but she’s asleep and it’s not visiting hours, so he’s led away by a very nice nurse, so you know she’s probably not in the profession anymore. America gets better by the day!

Stefan and Elena make eyes at each other while history teacher talks about the comet, and then that’s the end of class, and Elena borrows Stefan’s copy of Wuthering Heights, with the byline of Currer Bell. It must be like a first or second edition then, yes? and he says he’s read it several times…. Should anyone be touching this book? Is it even able to go, like, out? Should it be anywhere near a high school?!

I would just absolutely love to visit the planet where they grow tv writers, it must be so bizarre.

Bonnie is still going on about being descended from Salem witches, as if any of that were more than petty small-town power struggles. Caroline saw some hot guy while drunk… last night? The bonfire was LAST NIGHT? How the fuck is time working in this show? You have big drunken bonfires on school nights?

no! I have no idea!

Jeremy tries to start some shit with Tyler about Vicki, and threatens to kill him. Hope that comes up again later, but my hopes are very low.

Elena chats with Matt about Vicki, conveniently in a place Stefan can overhear, and apparently Vicki said she was attacked by a vampire? I missed that.

The history teacher also teaches Jeremy, and that’s who Aunt Jenna is meeting with, because Jeremy has missed 6 classes because he’s on drugs. How long has this school been in session?! Yesterday was the first day, but he’s missed 6 history classes? Days of classes?

Y’all, I know this seems like I’m nitpicking or being a bitch for no reason, but this is extremely basic shit that I find intensely confusing when I watch shows. All these disjointed scenes and weird time jumps I could overlook if they didn’t insist on contradicting themselves and setting up absolutely insane plot points that no human has ever experienced. Drunken teen bonfire on a school night? No one plans that, come on. School started yesterday, 6 classes gone? On what planet? School started yesterday, parent-teacher conference today? Why? I have a novel I haven’t released yet because I realized – after several rounds of edits and beta readings – that I had written about 7 weeks’ worth of plot for 3 weeks of book time. Now I have to go back and fix the timeline, which is an enormous pain in the ass, but I refuse to let a book go on sale when it’s confusing and poorly edited!

Shit like this – dumb shit, shit that no one thought to check because “why would it matter?” – is the easiest way to lose an audience, I guarantee. Or maybe not, maybe everyone is very stupid and doesn’t care, this damn thing went on for 8 seasons, but still. If you want to be GOOD at writing, don’t put in nine different time schemes and then wonder why people have no idea what’s going on in your story – or why they don’t seem to care much.

MOVING ON

Anyway. It seems like History is going to ask Jenna out? But then he just says that raising teenagers is “extremely impossible” and the fact she didn’t say that means she sucks at it.

I didn’t find it difficult at all, and impossible is self-limiting, like unique

Stefan now goes to visit Vicki, after overhearing “vampire”. Matt’s already there – wait, no, Stefan came before? and we have a weird flashback of him mojoing Vicki that it was an animal attack? And then she has some weird fit or PTSD flashback or something? And Stefan jumps out an open window? Welp. Don’t really know what any of that was about.

Bonnie’s grandma says the comet is a bad omen, and the last time it went over, there was a lot of death. But, Caroline reminds us, Grandma’s a drunk, so let’s talk about why Elena and Stefan haven’t fucked yet! I dunno, Caro, because it’s been one…day? Ok, no, I don’t feel comfortable with that assessment of time, so… because not everyone is a slut like you and me? But let’s be clear, here: I kind of love Caroline already. “What’s to think about? Boy and girl meet Boy and girl like each other. And then: sex!”

mmm, I love cake

Elena hops up and goes to… fuck Stefan, apparently.

Jenna picks up tacos for dinner and gives Jeremy half a lecture about weed, of all things, before she turns her back on him and he leaves the house.

Vicki is awake, feeling fine, saying she was attacked by an animal. We get more than 2 lines in this scene only because Jeremy shows up while Matt is still there! Vicki thinks that Matt is suspicious of Jeremy because of the hooking up, but no, it’s because she said vampire and then changed it to animal, duh.

Elena shows up at Stefan’s Craftsman-on-the-outside, French-Country-chateau-on-the-inside, and no one seems home, but oh noez! Corvid! Damon’s home. Ian Somerholder’s hair is absolutely awful in this scene, very distracting. Anyway, he tells Elena about Catherine, whose name is apparently spelled with a K, but not on this blog. We only make an exception to the proper spelling for Janeway. Stefan shows up and cuts that short, then stares hard at Damon for almost a full minute, despite Elena leaving the room.

No, wait, the house? Wasn’t she here to jump his bones? Why did she just leave? Oh, and Damon and Stefan get their 2 boring sentences about humans v. vampires in.

Oh, Elena tells Jenna that Stefan is “on the rebound and has family issues”. Is that why you left? Does that really affect the decision to fuck a guy you’ve known for 20 minutes, though? You weren’t there to propose?

Y’all, I’mma use up all the world’s question marks, damn. I just do not have a clue here.

Pictured: me, I guess?

I’ll say one thing for the ridiculous scene length: it does make the episodes go very fast. Vicki’s having dreams about Damon all vamped out, still in the hospital.

Bonnie and Elena have a weird “conversation” (5 sentences) about dating, and they literally sound like 40-year-olds. Oh, and they’re handing out flyers? for the comet festivities? the…same afternoon? Anyway, “at least I put myself out there!” says Elena.

Discount Rick Grimes asks if Elena’s worth it; no real answer from Stefan.

Vicki’s out of the hospital, asking Jeremy for drugs.

Everyone is in the town square or the green or whatever for the comet, and they’re all lighting candles like it’s an Easter service, while staring up at a mostly motionless, huge-ass comet. Looks like it’s in the atmosphere, huge. This one we’ll ignore, I understand it’s for story purposes.

Elena and Stefan make up after he apologizes “for yesterday”, so at least this isn’t the same day! They talk around Catherine, vaguely, the way everything happens to these people. Elena’s life is “too complicated to even think about dating”, but NOTHING IS HAPPENING, ELENA. NOTHING.

this is why I blow shit up in my stories

Damon is hiding inside the main restaurant set where Vicki is, for some reason. She says she knows him, he says that’s unfortunate, she goes to take her pill in the bathroom, Damon attacks her again.

Jeremy lets the Vicki cat out of the bag, so to speak, to Elena and Caroline and Tyler, who are now also in the… restaurant? which is now full of people? Whatever, they all go looking for Vicki, and Elena tells Jeremy again to get his shit together.

Matt asks Stefan if he’s seen Vicki, he says no, but he did see her at the hospital yesterday, and then Matt says he’s always looking out for Elena, which is a conversation that 1. makes sense, and 2. is totally how humans talk.

the writers are from France

Stefan hears Vicki and Damon, so he heads to where they are, on top of a building. Damon is trying to prove that Stefan can’t mojo if he’s not eating people, and Vicki says that Damon did it, but then Damon mojos her to say Stefan did it, rips off her bandage, and shoves her at Stefan. We’ve seen this fight a million times, right? It’s only good in Interview, when Claudia demands a caretaker from Louis, let’s be honest. Damon then mojos Vicki so none of that ever happened, and she just thinks it’s the painkillers.

Stefan goes back to the restaurant (so much back and forthing), where Matt thanks him for finding Vicki, and then Stefan asks Bonnie and Caroline where Elena is, but she’s gone home. Bonnie give him Elena’s number and email and tells him to text, but she touches him when she gives him the paper and has another non-visual vision. “What happened to you?” she says, frightened, but, like, clearly nothing! This whole show has been so far 84 minutes of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENING.

Jenna is searching Jeremy’s room when Elena gets home. Everything she finds is pot. I – well, I’m from a legal state and I gently parented my kiddo, so I don’t understand any of this nonsense. Maybe get the kid… I dunno, uh… THERAPY?!

Jeremy sees Vicki and Tyler kissing.

Caroline gets attacked while wearing the world’s worst outfit. No wait, she just runs into Damon? They sure built it up to an attack, but then they just talked.

Despite seeing the comet earlier, Elena goes to Stefan’s and drags him into the yard to look at it again. She was just going to go home (she was home) and write things in her diary that she should be saying to him, so she does – and still starts “Dear Diary”? Anyway, they like each other, and Stefan has the mentality of a 15-year-old, so it’ll all be fine. They kiss.

Oh, Caroline took Damon home! And he bites during sex, and then the episode ends. Damon. My guy. Stop it. Honestly, I don’t have a lot of enforcement mechanisms in my vampire world, but I’d invent some just for him. Might invent some for him anyway, bump him off in the next Imperial Vampires joint if he doesn’t shape the fuck up, just so I can feel like someone punished him.

Until next week, Daimons!