Ugh, that title makes me think of Archive 80? 88? on Netflix, which was weird and amazing and cancelled after 1 season because Netflix. There was a whole thing about Haley’s Comet, it was so cool. Anyway, let’s get started!

We start with a Metric song, one that’s on my vampire playlists, too. Little different when it’s about Josephine, imo. A couple is camping in the woods, waiting to see the comet. He goes outside, she hears rain, obviously it’s his blood dripping down on the tent. Hey, Damon, maybe you wouldn’t have to kill so many people if you didn’t waste food!

Dear diary: Elena can sense change, and Stefan is *awake*. They’re both very hopeful and pinning their good moods on the other, which in no way is a good idea, in case you wondered. I mean, I know I have a lot of emotional advantages because of the alexithymia – I will never have an emotion and immediately think I should act on it, for example – but anyone can separate their overall mood from another person, and you should. Regulate your own selves, my loves. It’s actually much easier that way.

Aunt Jenna is off to Jeremy’s parent-teacher conference, which again, feels like a thing the writers wanted to happen, not an actual parent-teacher conference. For one thing, it’s still August! It would be back-to-school night, if anything. Meetings first thing in the morning on the maybe? second? week of school are trouble, Jenna. No wonder you’re asking Elena if you look adult enough.

Jeremy left early to visit Vicki in the hospital, but she’s asleep and it’s not visiting hours, so he’s led away by a very nice nurse, so you know she’s probably not in the profession anymore. America gets better by the day!

Stefan and Elena make eyes at each other while history teacher talks about the comet, and then that’s the end of class, and Elena borrows Stefan’s copy of Wuthering Heights, with the byline of Currer Bell. It must be like a first or second edition then, yes? and he says he’s read it several times…. Should anyone be touching this book? Is it even able to go, like, out? Should it be anywhere near a high school?!

I would just absolutely love to visit the planet where they grow tv writers, it must be so bizarre.

Bonnie is still going on about being descended from Salem witches, as if any of that were more than petty small-town power struggles. Caroline saw some hot guy while drunk… last night? The bonfire was LAST NIGHT? How the fuck is time working in this show? You have big drunken bonfires on school nights?

Jeremy tries to start some shit with Tyler about Vicki, and threatens to kill him. Hope that comes up again later, but my hopes are very low.

Elena chats with Matt about Vicki, conveniently in a place Stefan can overhear, and apparently Vicki said she was attacked by a vampire? I missed that.

The history teacher also teaches Jeremy, and that’s who Aunt Jenna is meeting with, because Jeremy has missed 6 classes because he’s on drugs. How long has this school been in session?! Yesterday was the first day, but he’s missed 6 history classes? Days of classes?

Y’all, I know this seems like I’m nitpicking or being a bitch for no reason, but this is extremely basic shit that I find intensely confusing when I watch shows. All these disjointed scenes and weird time jumps I could overlook if they didn’t insist on contradicting themselves and setting up absolutely insane plot points that no human has ever experienced. Drunken teen bonfire on a school night? No one plans that, come on. School started yesterday, 6 classes gone? On what planet? School started yesterday, parent-teacher conference today? Why? I have a novel I haven’t released yet because I realized – after several rounds of edits and beta readings – that I had written about 7 weeks’ worth of plot for 3 weeks of book time. Now I have to go back and fix the timeline, which is an enormous pain in the ass, but I refuse to let a book go on sale when it’s confusing and poorly edited!

Shit like this – dumb shit, shit that no one thought to check because “why would it matter?” – is the easiest way to lose an audience, I guarantee. Or maybe not, maybe everyone is very stupid and doesn’t care, this damn thing went on for 8 seasons, but still. If you want to be GOOD at writing, don’t put in nine different time schemes and then wonder why people have no idea what’s going on in your story – or why they don’t seem to care much.

Anyway. It seems like History is going to ask Jenna out? But then he just says that raising teenagers is “extremely impossible” and the fact she didn’t say that means she sucks at it.

Stefan now goes to visit Vicki, after overhearing “vampire”. Matt’s already there – wait, no, Stefan came before? and we have a weird flashback of him mojoing Vicki that it was an animal attack? And then she has some weird fit or PTSD flashback or something? And Stefan jumps out an open window? Welp. Don’t really know what any of that was about.

Bonnie’s grandma says the comet is a bad omen, and the last time it went over, there was a lot of death. But, Caroline reminds us, Grandma’s a drunk, so let’s talk about why Elena and Stefan haven’t fucked yet! I dunno, Caro, because it’s been one…day? Ok, no, I don’t feel comfortable with that assessment of time, so… because not everyone is a slut like you and me? But let’s be clear, here: I kind of love Caroline already. “What’s to think about? Boy and girl meet Boy and girl like each other. And then: sex!”

Elena hops up and goes to… fuck Stefan, apparently.

Jenna picks up tacos for dinner and gives Jeremy half a lecture about weed, of all things, before she turns her back on him and he leaves the house.

Vicki is awake, feeling fine, saying she was attacked by an animal. We get more than 2 lines in this scene only because Jeremy shows up while Matt is still there! Vicki thinks that Matt is suspicious of Jeremy because of the hooking up, but no, it’s because she said vampire and then changed it to animal, duh.

Elena shows up at Stefan’s Craftsman-on-the-outside, French-Country-chateau-on-the-inside, and no one seems home, but oh noez! Corvid! Damon’s home. Ian Somerholder’s hair is absolutely awful in this scene, very distracting. Anyway, he tells Elena about Catherine, whose name is apparently spelled with a K, but not on this blog. We only make an exception to the proper spelling for Janeway. Stefan shows up and cuts that short, then stares hard at Damon for almost a full minute, despite Elena leaving the room.

No, wait, the house? Wasn’t she here to jump his bones? Why did she just leave? Oh, and Damon and Stefan get their 2 boring sentences about humans v. vampires in.

Oh, Elena tells Jenna that Stefan is “on the rebound and has family issues”. Is that why you left? Does that really affect the decision to fuck a guy you’ve known for 20 minutes, though? You weren’t there to propose?

Y’all, I’mma use up all the world’s question marks, damn. I just do not have a clue here.

I’ll say one thing for the ridiculous scene length: it does make the episodes go very fast. Vicki’s having dreams about Damon all vamped out, still in the hospital.

Bonnie and Elena have a weird “conversation” (5 sentences) about dating, and they literally sound like 40-year-olds. Oh, and they’re handing out flyers? for the comet festivities? the…same afternoon? Anyway, “at least I put myself out there!” says Elena.

Discount Rick Grimes asks if Elena’s worth it; no real answer from Stefan.

Vicki’s out of the hospital, asking Jeremy for drugs.

Everyone is in the town square or the green or whatever for the comet, and they’re all lighting candles like it’s an Easter service, while staring up at a mostly motionless, huge-ass comet. Looks like it’s in the atmosphere, huge. This one we’ll ignore, I understand it’s for story purposes.

Elena and Stefan make up after he apologizes “for yesterday”, so at least this isn’t the same day! They talk around Catherine, vaguely, the way everything happens to these people. Elena’s life is “too complicated to even think about dating”, but NOTHING IS HAPPENING, ELENA. NOTHING.

Damon is hiding inside the main restaurant set where Vicki is, for some reason. She says she knows him, he says that’s unfortunate, she goes to take her pill in the bathroom, Damon attacks her again.

Jeremy lets the Vicki cat out of the bag, so to speak, to Elena and Caroline and Tyler, who are now also in the… restaurant? which is now full of people? Whatever, they all go looking for Vicki, and Elena tells Jeremy again to get his shit together.

Matt asks Stefan if he’s seen Vicki, he says no, but he did see her at the hospital yesterday, and then Matt says he’s always looking out for Elena, which is a conversation that 1. makes sense, and 2. is totally how humans talk.

Stefan hears Vicki and Damon, so he heads to where they are, on top of a building. Damon is trying to prove that Stefan can’t mojo if he’s not eating people, and Vicki says that Damon did it, but then Damon mojos her to say Stefan did it, rips off her bandage, and shoves her at Stefan. We’ve seen this fight a million times, right? It’s only good in Interview, when Claudia demands a caretaker from Louis, let’s be honest. Damon then mojos Vicki so none of that ever happened, and she just thinks it’s the painkillers.

Stefan goes back to the restaurant (so much back and forthing), where Matt thanks him for finding Vicki, and then Stefan asks Bonnie and Caroline where Elena is, but she’s gone home. Bonnie give him Elena’s number and email and tells him to text, but she touches him when she gives him the paper and has another non-visual vision. “What happened to you?” she says, frightened, but, like, clearly nothing! This whole show has been so far 84 minutes of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENING.

Jenna is searching Jeremy’s room when Elena gets home. Everything she finds is pot. I – well, I’m from a legal state and I gently parented my kiddo, so I don’t understand any of this nonsense. Maybe get the kid… I dunno, uh… THERAPY?!

Jeremy sees Vicki and Tyler kissing.

Caroline gets attacked while wearing the world’s worst outfit. No wait, she just runs into Damon? They sure built it up to an attack, but then they just talked.

Despite seeing the comet earlier, Elena goes to Stefan’s and drags him into the yard to look at it again. She was just going to go home (she was home) and write things in her diary that she should be saying to him, so she does – and still starts “Dear Diary”? Anyway, they like each other, and Stefan has the mentality of a 15-year-old, so it’ll all be fine. They kiss.

Oh, Caroline took Damon home! And he bites during sex, and then the episode ends. Damon. My guy. Stop it. Honestly, I don’t have a lot of enforcement mechanisms in my vampire world, but I’d invent some just for him. Might invent some for him anyway, bump him off in the next Imperial Vampires joint if he doesn’t shape the fuck up, just so I can feel like someone punished him.

Until next week, Daimons!