My internet is crazy bad today because it’s windy, but let’s try to do this!

Elena wakes in the night, and it’s another dream – this time, one of Stefan’s. Which Damon… gave him? He says something about how easy it was to get into his head just now. He also says that there’s no more reason to be afraid: they caught the mountain lion who was attacking people! Isn’t that wonderful?

Not really, according to Stefan. Why would Damon cover his tracks? (Because it’s 2008 and you can’t get away with killing indiscriminately in a small town, and you never really could, so he’s been smart about feeding is not the reason, unfortunately.) Because he’s decided to stay awhile, and keep trying to seduce Elena. The vervain, not verbena, amulet stops him from mojoing, it’s true, but he is handsome and maybe rich (vampires should be, imo) and he doesn’t usually have to mojo women, so, like, watch it, male model Stefan.

Damon also mentions his ability to unflinchingly listen to Taylor Swift, which is impressive, Damon! She’s worse at writing than your writers’ room! (I’m sure she’s quite lovely on a personal level, good for her for making money, but that woman has zero musical talent, I’m sorry, it’s true.) And then he stabs Stefan! What?! Just casually shoves a knife in as he leaves the room. Ok. Sure.

This scene went for over four full minutes, btw. I’m very impressed, it was mostly coherent and gave us actual information! Good job!

After the opener, Elena and Aunt… Jenna? Homegirl vanished last episode, I can’t remember her name. Anyway, they’re watching the local news on TV (a thing you could still do in 2008!). Logan Fell is reporting on the mountain lion being caught, and it turns out that Jenna moved away because of a bad breakup with Logan. She doesn’t want to talk about it, though, so they turn to the … safe deposit box that Elena has? Oh, it’s a box that was in the safe-deposit, gotcha. Someone wants to borrow stuff for Founders’ Day, a holiday that seemingly every television show town has, but that I have not once encountered in real life. What about y’all, does your town do this?

Anyway, Jeremy doesn’t want Elena to lend anything out, because “it’s mom and dad’s stuff! you can’t just give it away!” and Elena says it’s a LOAN. Poor Jeremy. Please get him a therapist!

Stefan shows up, and Elena immediately takes him upstairs to make out, during which he notices in the mirror that he’s started to vamp out. Elena calls a timeout, gently, and he agrees they’re getting too hot n heavy. Elena changes the subject by asking him to the Founders’ Day Ball. The party was super important to her mom, who was very involved in the Founders Committee, or whatever made-up thing they call it. It was her favorite party every year, and this is the first since her death, etc, etc, and Stefan says he’ll be pleased to go.

I’m shocked, y’all! These two scenes also lasted several minutes, they led into each other, they follow in a logical progression and nothing has been done and then immediately undone??!!!

Caroline is trying on dresses for Damon’s approval – I assume for Founders’ Day, because they’re formal. No yellow, he says, and the she says he can’t go with her, because her mom won’t like him, but he mojos her and gets invited. Obviously. OMG, he’s lying on her bed reading New Moon and asking what’s so special about Bella. Damon, I take it all back, you’re my new favorite.

He misses Anne Rice: “she was so on it.” Caro asks why he doesn’t sparkle: “Because I live in the real world!” (Then give up your magic rings and vervain amulets, thanks.) We also get a good lore convo: he needs the ring to be in the sun, and you can’t become a vamp just from bites. Caroline asks if he’ll kill her, and he says he will, but he needs her still, so not yet!

Damon’s my favorite, I will be taking no questions at this time, thank you.

Tyler is with his parents at The Restaurant, and his mom wants him to focus on Founders’ Day. Vicki comes around as their server, and Tyler won’t talk to her. Dad asks for the check; turns out he’s the mayor? Crazy.

Bonnie and Caroline come in, and Bonnie’s asking Caro to go with her to the party, but Caro says she’s going with Damon. Bonnie should go with Elena, but no-go, because Elena is going with Stefan. Bonnie calls Damon “dangerous”, but Caroline – despite being told in the last scene that he fully intends to murder her – says he just has complicated family problems, which she will tell Bonnie, as long as Bonnie doesn’t tell Elena.

Back to Tyler and Vicki: His parents are gone, so now he’ll acknowledge she exists. But no, thanks, she calls him out on how he treats her like crap, and she’s done. Except… not, of course, because she’s in high school, and all she really wants is to be asked to the party.

Jeremy, seated at the bar, sees all of this and points out that 1. she shouldn’t have to ask to be asked to a party, and 2. she knows she’s making shitty decisions, and yet continues to make the same choices. Jeremy is the only sane person in this town, swear to god.

Back at the Salvatores’, Uncle whoever-I-called-him finds Damon in the living room, “just going through Stefan’s homework” and not understanding why Stefan keeps going to school. Harvard in the 70s made a little sense, but high school? Uncle Zack (that’s his actual name) wants to know why Damon’s here, really, and Damon says it’s just to spend time with family! And then he puts his hand on Zack’s throat and threatens him a little, for a treat, and then leaves.

Stefan finds Zack on the floor, and Zack’s all “you’re in danger! the town’s in danger! danger!”

And Stefan’s all like, yeah, I know, but I would have to drink humans to stop him, so…. And Zack suggests vervain, but Stefan reminds him that it hasn’t grown in that town since 1865, “Damon saw to that” and like. Buddy. Guy. Have I got news for you!

Also, you can apparently eat people without killing them, so WHAT IS THE PROBLEM. Seems like you’re keeping yourself down for no clear reasons, like every “noble vampire” guy since we invented sexy vampires. Yet another reason Damon’s my fave. Stefan:Nick Knight :: Damon: Lacroix.

Zack takes him down to the basement where he has a whole vervain grow operation. It’s 2008 in Virginia, if you can grow fussy herbs, you could grow less-fussy ones and make wayyyyyyy more money. Just sayin’.

Y’all. We’re only 15 minutes in? I can’t believe I have so much to say this week!

Tyler shows up at Elena’s for the box of history stuff, and so he and Jeremy can yell at each other a little. This is the first useless scene in this episode, and I don’t even think it’s that useless. Just too short to get anything accomplished, really.

Bonnie comes over to do Elena’s nails for the party, and to tell her what Caroline told her not to repeat: Catherine chose Damon, so Stefan told her a bunch of terrible stuff about Damon, and she ended up believing Stefan and leaving Damon. Elena says that’s none of her business; Bonnie insists it is, because obviously Stefan is a manipulative liar. Elena defends him, and Bonnie points out that Elena can’t know that Stefan did or didn’t tell a bunch of lies to break up a relationship.

Stefan and Damon are getting dressed. Stefan says they should keep a low profile, seeing as they were at the first Founders’ Day party. Damon says he’ll make sure Elena has a good time, since Stefan isn’t going. Stefan complains about just wanting to live his life. Damon: “You’re dead, dude. Get over it.”

Jeremy filched a pocket watch from the antiques box, but they need to give it to Tyler’s mom for the history bit of the party. Elena accuses him of selling it, but he just took it, since it’s passed down to oldest sons. He tells her to take it and get out.

Oh, Stefan wasn’t getting ready: he brought scotch in to Damon’s room because it was spiked with vervain. He’s not even dressed when Damon pours a glass, then pours it out on the carpet and complains about going to the party angry. He thought they were having a moment!

No, wait, Stefan does get dressed. Zack thought that plan would work, he was sure! Stefan wasn’t.

There’s a huge receiving line to get into the party. Vicki’s waiting in it, when Tyler leaves his parents and leads her around back, because “the line’s too long”. Uh-huh. Not because you don’t want to have to treat her properly in front of your parents (whose house this is, I guess? They were greeting the line, so.).

Caroline’s mom is a cop, working the party, in uniform. She asks who Damon is, and Caroline says he’s basically no one. Mom says he’s too old for Caro, who shoots back, “because if he was younger you’d approve?” Mom asks where Caroline’s dad is, and she says, “Memphis.” Mom says good, and Caro adds, “with Stephen” as she walks away. Ooh, did mom get left for a gay? I love it, I hope Dad is living his best life with Stephen.

So party party party….. A bunch of stuff around the house is from the town’s families, on loan for the party to show off the Founders, I assume.

Jenna runs into Logan, who doesn’t even dodge her barbs; he ignores them and asks her to dinner. She says no and hoofs it out the room.

Elena finds the first Founders’ Day guest list from 1864, showing off how everyone running this town has always run it, and finding some familiar names. Before Stefan comes up with anything, Damon and Caroline pop up, Damon talking about how those were their ancestors, obviously. Caroline says she’s bored and wants to dance, and takes Stefan because Damon refuses. No doubt some little machination of Damon’s, but I don’t think it’s gonna pan out.

Also, why the fuck would a small town in Virginia have a party in 1864?! Was anyone alive? Did they have any food or anything? Like, I know that obviously not every single town would have been in dire straits, even in Virginia, but, like, this feels like a very weird year to choose to have all your vampy goings-on. The midst of war is not usually a time for small towns to have big, fancy parties.

So Damon starts telling Elena about their ancestors, about how all the men in the family are cursed with sibling rivalry, going all the way back to the original Salvatore brothers. Their name was practically royalty in the town until the war. Like… the war they were in the middle of when they had their party?! The turning point was the Battle of Willow Creek, where Confederate soldiers fired on civilians in a church. Damon says the civilians were thought to be Union sympathizers, so the founders wanted to burn the church down with the people in it.

But Catherine was in the church, and they went to rescue her and got shot dead outside. Elena blows by all the questions about Confederates and war crimes and how, in the middle of shit like that, anyone was having a party, and tells Damon she can’t get in the middle of their family shit, sorry, please move on.

Tyler has, of course, hid Vicki the entire night, and now will neither dance with her or show her around, because he’s hiding her. Vicki calls him on it, again, and sticks to her guns this time, only to be interrupted by Tyler’s mom! She’s very polite, but Vicki goes, and she tells her son, “That’s what you get for bringing trash into the party.” Bitch! Your kid is the trash, ma’am, make no mistake.

Bonnie lights a candle with her mind, so that’s pretty cool!

Stefan and Elena reunite and dance.

Logan apologizes to Jenna, and gives condolences for her sister’s death. But Jenna’s not having it, because he cheated on her. Thanks for the condolences, tho!

Stefan doesn’t want to talk to Elena about Catherine, but she tells him that he can, if that ever changes. Also, she’d like to, y’know, KNOW him. He tells her to let Catherine go, that Damon is turning her against him, and she says it must be working, and leaves. But like, she’s right: he tells her nothing about himself, vaguely brings up his ex and then refuses to talk about that, too – so what is Elena to believe? He won’t open up, and other people whisper in her ear. Why wouldn’t she believe them, when he won’t say anything?!

Mrs. Lockwood (Bitch) asks Elena where the pocket watch is, and Elena says she couldn’t find it. I don’t know why she didn’t bring it to the party, weird.

Damon takes a jewel (tho he calls it a crystal) from a hidden compartment in one of the boxes of artefacts. Caro tells him not to steal and he points out it’s not stealing if it’s his.

Logan apologizes again, because someone in that writers’ room really wants to mash these Barbies together. Jenna says yes to a lunch.

Bitch Lockwood berates a cater waiter because the candles aren’t lit in the dining room. Bonnie watches this, then lights them all with her brain.

In the ladies room, Caro hints that Stefan likes her to Elena, but Elena notices something under her scarf – the bite. Elena is concerned, but Caro tells her to mind her business and runs out.

Elena goes right to Damon and tells him to stay away from Caroline, or she’ll go to Caroline’s mom – the sheriff. She then goes to Stefan and tells him he was right about Damon, and she shouldn’t have doubted him. Caro has bruises everywhere – bite marks! Why doesn’t Stefan look surprised? He’s handling it, he says, and there are things he can’t tell her. She needs to trust him. Trust is earned, she reminds him, and before he can, he runs off.

Vicki shows up at Jeremy’s, because of course. I expect that will last exactly until the next episode.

Caroline tells Damon she didn’t tell Elena anything, that Elena pulled the scarf and saw but Caro didn’t give him up, please don’t be mad, and damn, girl. This relationship is no good, baby. He eats her, of course, but while Stefan couldn’t poison Damon’s drinks, he could spike Caroline’s. It only took a sip to incapacitate him, too. He drags Damon away to a cell.

Caroline wakes up and finds the jewel, just as Elena comes over. Caroline starts shaking and crying; must be the mojo wearing off. Elena comforts her.

In the house, a group of founders gathers. Lockwood is still looking for the pocket watch, not believing Elena’s white lie. Logan says he’ll get it, because they need it. They need all the artefacts. Five bodies drained of blood can mean only one thing: The vampires are back.

You guys! What! What happened?!?! We have plot. We have foreshadowing. We have actual human emotions and responses!!!!!

I’m really excited for next week!!!!