Isn’t there a really good song by that title? *rummages around* Here it is!

My brain: twice as searchable as your grandma’s attic! Let’s get started!

Bonnie is falling asleep in math class when a ghost walks by, and she wanders out of class to follow it. Looks like it’s one of the old witches in her family, the one Gran told her about, who owned the jewel: Emily. Bonnie follows her out of school, into the woods, to her grave and her ruined homestead. Emily says this is where it started, and this is where it has to end. Bonnie has to help her – and Bonnie is back in math class, but then wakes up at the graveyard raveyard where everyone ends up these days.

Bonnie didn’t make it to school, so Elena has to talk to Caroline about her relationship with Stefan being “complicated”. Caro tries to talk to Matt before class, but gets only a dismissive “Hey”.

New history prof time! Alaric Saltzman, and I KNOW that stupid first name is some obscure-to-me vampire reference from, like, a video game or something, because I have seen dozens of Alarics in fantasy fiction. Why?

I have zero idea, I told you, it’s obscure to me. It’s not in any of the standard vampire fiction a typical late GenX woman would have been exposed to, so if you know, hit me up in the comments. Also, he’s played by the guy who played Warner in Legally Blonde, so making jokes about him will not be difficult. Just like getting into Harvard Law.

So, once he tells all the kids he goes here now, he tells them he goes by Rick.

Damon and Stefan are fighting.

Oh, wait, Bonnie did show up at school? She’s telling Elena about the dream, and that she can’t tell Gran, because Bonnie doesn’t want to embrace it, she wants it to stop.

Jeremy goes to talk to Saltzman. This is our fifth scene in 7 minutes, y’all, and it’s killing me today. I mean, it kills me every day, but ffs, can we just stay with one character for a second? This show’s editing makes me motion sick. (No, I don’t have tiktok, why do you ask????) Something something clean slate for Jeremy, something something bring your grades up, extra credit, blah blah. Jeremy has to write a paper about history: local, in-depth, nothing that’s just regurgitated from Wikipedia.

Matt again refuses to talk to Caroline, so she stops him and asks wtf his problem is. He doesn’t have one; they’ve always just been “hey” friends, and he snuck out of her room after the party of last episode because he didn’t want to get in trouble with Sheriff. Caro is chagrined.

Stefan shows up.in the parking lot to talk with Elena, bring her up to speed on Damon not being dead. (Seven scenes in under ten minutes!) And to tell her he won’t be going to school anymore, which she interprets as him backing away from her, and then… she gets mad? even though she’s broken up with him like a gajillion times?

Sorry, I can’t deal with the NT relationship drama. I don’t understand it, and I refuse to engage in it.

Damon offers to help Bonnie by taking that jewel off her hands. He knows she thinks she’s in over her head, and my god, what I wouldn’t give for a show that was told from Damon’s POV. I think stuff would actually happen! She refuses, of course. He tells her he’ll get it back, no matter. I believe him, but we all know even if he does get it, there won’t be a consequence for our “heroes”, so.

Bonnie throws the jewel in a field.

Jenna’s scoping out Rick at The Grill. He’s not worth it, Jenna. Just ask Elle and Vivian!

Elena complains to Stefan about Damon harassing Bonnie. Emily apparently was Catherine’s “handmaid”, which – like, okay, if Emily were also a vampire, I would understand them travelling in the States in the 1860s under that story, but why would a vampire have a human witch servant? Slave? Did Catherine OWN Emily?!?!

Look, I know it must sound cool to set things during major upheavals in history, especially if you’re writing vampires, especially for television. I get it!

But you can’t introduce a conflict like the American Civil War and literally never mention any of the reasons it started or the effects it has on this community! Emily was a Black witch in the American south – in a slave state! – in 1864!!!!!!!!!! YOU CANNOT KEEP IGNORING THIS SHIT. Or, I mean, you definitely can, and your show will just be deeply shitty because you can’t stand the implications of the things you’re writing. The reason societal upheaval makes such a delicious plot point is because you explore the implications. You humanize the conflict. You show me the moonlight glinting on a broken bottle or whatever that writing tip is. You don’t ignore it because you’re uncomfortable. It makes you, the writer(s), look stupid and cowardly.

ANYWAY. Emily was Catherine’s handmaid. The jewel belonged to Catherine, which means…. Well, Stefan doesn’t know. He’ll have to ask Damon.

Jenna tells Jeremy that his dad was super into their family history, he had a bunch of stuff in a box in his closet, just waiting for Jeremy’s paper. For her help, he introduces her to Saltzman.

Stefan and Damon are fighting.

Elena has Caro and Bonn both over for dinner, and Caroline apologizes to Bonnie, who then admits she threw the jewel away. Caro is mad for half a second, but then finds the necklace next to Bonnie’s bag.

Jenna still doesn’t know Logan is dead? Does anyone know Logan is dead? IS Logan dead?!?!?! Seems like the local news guy just disappearing would be…. noticed?! Anyway, she’s flirting with Saltzman, whose wife was … murdered? or is missing? He just says “the cops call it a cold case”, so, like, murdered by vamps, right?

Stefan and Damon are fighting.

The horrible Aughts curling iron tried to attack Elena this episode, but it didn’t work, so her hair looks terrible. The girls do a seance to get the message Emily is clearly trying to send. The candles get high, the window blows open, Bonnie rips the jewel off and throws it on the floor, the candles go out. When the lights come up, the jewel is gone.

Stefan and Damon are playing catch. And fighting.

Turns out Damon wants the jewel to bring Catherine back.

Bonnie finds the jewel in the bathroom, then gets trapped in there. A lot of wildly unnecessary screaming later, she seems possessed by Emily. Like, they don’t say that, or anything, but again, I know how narratives work.

Damon finally give us a story about the past: when the townspeople were burning vamps in the church, including Catherine, Damon begged Emily for help. She trapped Catherine’s essence or something in the crystal, using the power of the comet passing over, and Catherine’s body is hidden underground, somewhere? Until the body part, that sounded okay, but we lost the thread a little there. The comet had to return before the jewel could be used, and Damon promised Emily that her lineage would survive if she did this, because obviously the townspeople would come for her, too.

Emily tells the other girls that she’s going to finish this, and she won’t let Damon have the jewel, and it must be destroyed. So she doesn’t want Catherine back? Seems weird. Bonnie-as-Emily heads for the churchyard, aka, graveyard raveyard. Damon meets her there, and she says that he can’t bring Catherine back, things have changed, she’s only interested in protecting her family line.

Jeremy finds the box of stuff from his Dad, including a journal from 1864. Jenna comes home with Saltzman, who very studiously stays on the outside of the threshold. She doesn’t invite him in.

Emily saved everyone in the church – all vampires. Can’t have Catherine without the rest of them, so Emily burns them – or she starts a fire, anyway. It goes out, Damon bites the crap out of her, and then she looks dead, even though there’s a shit ton of blood in the human body and a three-second bite is not going to bleed anyone out instantly. (That is a general vampire-fiction complaint; no one ever drinks long enough to kill anyone.) Stefan feeds her his blood and heals her? turns her? both? Who knows.

Matt confesses he’s very lonely to Caroline.

Damon says he’ll leave, now there’s no hope of getting Catherine back.

Emily is no longer possessing Bonnie, who has no recollection of what just happened. Stefan didn’t change her: she will if she dies with his blood in her system, but she’ll be back to human once it passes.

Elena doesn’t break up with Stefan; he breaks up with her instead. Coming back was a mistake; he and Damon are leaving. Elena begs him to stay. He walks away from her, but this is only episode 9, so, y’know.

Jenna rips up a pic of her and Logan from high school. You’ll regret that if you ever figure out he’s dead.

Matt and Caroline have snacks in bed.

LOGAN’S NOT DEAD Y’ALL!!!! He shows up at Jenna’s and asks to be invited in!!!!!!!! And then the episode ends!

Legit, I did not see that coming!

Despite my crankiness, this was not a horrible episode. I just hate the “setting up the gameboard” episodes in any series, and feel like there should be a better way to do this, but unless you’re writing, like, Mad Men or something, you’re not allowed to in Hollywood, I guess. Let’s hope something happens next time!