Cute title, I love it. The still on Peacock has little James T. in a football jersey, adorable. Also, Scaredy Cats on YouTube is doing a Forever Knight marathon, one episode a day, so if you want EVEN MORE RECAPS, you should absolutely check Mildred out, they’re amazing.

Apparently it’s going to be super cold here this weekend, maybe a little snow, and I am psyched! All my neighbors stay in the house and shut the fuck up when it’s cold, which keeps my little bass-hating heart (and ears) happy. So let’s celebrate with another 42 minutes of absolutely nothing happening!

We open with “Previously on….” and, like, I don’t want to shit on people who like this show, but really? Even at one episode a week, there’s not enough going on here for you to need a reminder, is there? I assume that as the show goes on, it’ll be more like Buffy or X Files, in that the “previously” will have scenes from several seasons, and will tell you not so much what already happened, as it tells you what recurring themes and/or characters are going to show up. But for this one, it’s just fog and Catherine and Caro getting bit.

We begin with Caroline, waking up and seeing a truly gross wound on her neck. Do these guys bite with all their teeth? Weird. And ew. And Damon, start cleaning up after yourself.

So she freaks out, Damon wakes up, and she starts throwing things at him. But she’s dressed in a nightie? So at some point after the sex, she got up, presumably used the bathroom, put on a nightie, put away her other clothes, and never looked at her neck? And Damon couldn’t be bothered to heal her. And then he vamps out, I assume attacking her again, but we get the opening screen before it resolves.

Bonnie and Elena show up to school still discussing dating. Bonnie now thinks Elena should play the field, and not settle on Stefan, since she had a non-visual vision about him. But Elena says Stefan is a big part of her world starting to feel normal again. It’s been anywhere between three days of school and, I dunno, three months? Either way, no, Elena. No.

Vicki got tix to see The Posers when they play The Rat. Jeremy tells her to have fun with Tyler. She wants him to go, and she’s not worried that anyone will know she fucked him, because she’s with Tyler, officially, I guess? But Jeremy gets butthurt that she was just fucking him for drugs, which she doesn’t deny, but she does wish he’d drop it.

Stefan tells Elena that Bonnie doesn’t like him much, and Elena says that’s because “she doesn’t know you”. Uh-huh. Because you do, I suppose. Some friend of Matt’s watches Elena and Stefan and tries to get Matt riled up? Oh, it’s Tyler talking, I had no idea he looked so much like Eric Balfour, I haven’t been paying that much visual attention.

Tyler throws the football at Stefan, who throws it back like a vampire, so then he and Elena have to discuss his football career as they enter the school. She says he should join the team, he says he shouldn’t. I, very shockingly, cannot care.

They keep talking about it in history, where literally no one knows when WW2 ended or when the US joined it, and also the teacher calls on someone the captions say is “Miss Juan” but who, given her being Asian, is probably a Miss Wan or Won. I love extra jokes in the captions, delightful.

And then the history teacher gets into, like, a date fight with Stefan? Who knows a bunch of dates that no one could possibly know from a basic education up till this point!

Wait, no, I’m sorry, it’s a bunch of dates that most people should know? Civil Rights Act, 1964. JFK assassination, 1963. Roe v. Wade, 1973. Lincoln’s assassination, 1865. Korean War, which finally trips Stefan up, supposedly, but no, he’s right, teacher is wrong, and now he’s got it in for Stefan. Who tells Elena he knows all that because he’s a loner who reads. Because she asked. Because my god, how could anyone KNOW all those FACTS!

Stefan changes his mind and tries to go out for football, but History is the coach, and he doesn’t want to let Stefan try out, but he relents, just to see Stefan get his ass kicked. He won’t, obviously, why bother setting this shit up.

Elena goes to… cheer practice? maybe? who knows. But Caroline, who wasn’t in class and has been ignoring Bonnie’s 100 texts, shows up to practice in Damon’s powder blue convertible. Vampire? Maybe, but it’s daytime, and I didn’t see 🪄 magic ring 🪄, so.

Oh, we’re back from commercial, and just… still at practice. Elena walks away from cheer because Caroline puts her in the back and is driving them too hard, maybe? Unclear. Stefan aces his tryout, even though Tyler doesn’t like him, either.

Back at home, Damon is reading Stefan’s diary, doing his best Lacroix impersonation, but falling extremely short. He says he wants to make up with Stefan, but then laughs about it, so I guess it was a joke? I really cannot stress enough how opaque everyone’s actions are, and how absolutely none of the dialogue or facial expressions help with any of it. It’s just mashing Barbies together. “Oh, this will be such a cool line”, and then none of the work to settle it nicely in its environment. It’s the bad, fast architecture of cities, only in television form.

Bonnie is still on her witch kick, this time obsessing over the numbers 8, 14, 22. Apparently we got the FBI raid of Mar-A-Lago on 8/14/22, so that’s nice, but probably not what it’s referencing, given this was 08. Lizzie Murphy became the first woman to play Major League baseball in 1922, but also, probably not what Bonnie’s obsession is about. Shame. Some League of their Own shit might liven the place up.

She and Elena and Stefan are all having dinner together, with takeout at Elena’s house, where her Aunt and brother are… not. Look, if you want a show where characters get to just do whatever, whenever, MAKE THEM ADULTS. I’ll overlook a ton if these are people in their 20s, but how do you just… disappear a family so we can have happy fun play adult time?

Anyway, Damon and Caro show up, uninvited, and Stefan tries to make Damon leave, but it’s… too rude, or something? I don’t know, Elena just lets them in, seemingly tired of Stefan and Damon fighting. After like 2 days of acquaintance. Sure, fine. This is absolutely how human beings behave.

Tyler grabs Vicki’s ass at the restaurant, and she tells him not while she’s working. Jeremy is watching sadly from a table with Matt, until he gets up and starts a fight with Tyler to impress Vicki, or something. Who knows. Once again: definitely how humans behave.

Damon helps Elena do the dishes, and she asks about Catherine, whose name is spelled with a C in today’s captions! Apparently they both dated her? But Damon won’t say much more, and they chat about cheerleading instead until Bonnie comes in. Leaving Stefan and Caroline alone, so Stefan can interrogate her about her scarf and why she can’t take it off – until Damon comes back in and mojos Caro to help Elena in the kitchen, so HE can be alone with Stefan, and Stefan can lecture him about using Caroline like a juice box and Damon can threaten to use Elena similarly, now that he’s gotten his invitation into her house.

Everyone goes home except Stefan, and while they’re making out in Elena’s room, he turns into Damon – because this is a nightmare (not just a strange dream). Oh, but Corvid on the windowsill! Damon’s affecting dreams? How? Why?

Next morning, Elena gets out of the shower with a full face of makeup on, so she does have some talent, let’s give credit where it’s due! She stares at herself in a mirror, and that’s the whole scene. I am not complaining that nothing happens hyperbolically. Nothing is literally happening in more than half these scenes.

At the pregame festivities, Stefan gives Elena a necklace that smells. Rose? she asks, and he says no, it’s “an herb”. That’s it. An herb. I assume we’ll find out what kind of herb – because this is clearly a protective amulet or somesuch, I know how fantasy works – we’ll find out when the writers think it finally matters, or can be a cliffhanger or bombshell or whatever, but again – THIS IS NOT HOW HUMANS BEHAVE.

Also at the festivities, History prof singles out Stefan as the great hope of the football team, who have apparently been losing for years. Tyler gets mad about Stefan starting even though he’s new and slips away from the… pep rally/bonfire/whatever the fuck they have going on. I went to almost every home football game in high school (everyone did, small town, had friends in band), and nothing even vaguely resembling this ever happened. Hence, “festivities”.

Tyler runs into Vicki, and then sees Jeremy drinking over her shoulder, so he starts a fight, of course. Stefan breaks it up, Tyler tries to hit him and it doesn’t do much. Jeremy tries to stab Tyler with the broken bottle, but gets Stefan in the hand, but of course it heals immediately, confusing Elena who showed up conveniently to ask about Stefan’s cut. This is not how you drop breadcrumbs, but whatever, 10 minutes left.

Oh, remember at the big bonfire, how “cold” it was at night? Well, it’s football season in Virginia, and the cheerleaders are all wearing sleeveless uniforms and Elena is running around in a halter top. When is this? Nobody knows!!!!!!

Elena asks Bonnie about her Stefan vision. Bonnie says she felt death.

Damon surprises Elena at her car, saying he’s hiding from Caroline because she talks too much. You know what? Damon’s the only person who seems to talk like a human at any given moment, props for that, Damon. You’re awful, and not nearly as charming as you should be, but you are trying.

He tries to mojo Elena, but can’t, presumably because of the amulet. She slaps him and walks away.

Matt shakes hands with Stefan, trying again to be friendly, and wishes him “good luck tonight”, when it’s been night for seemingly hours of show time. They’re playing tonight, tonight?! God, I just want, like, some sort of counter or calendar or fucking SOMETHING. WHEN ARE WE.

Damon calls Stefan out on the verbena amulet, so we didn’t even save that reveal for a pivotal moment. Perfect. They have a little fight about Damon being a dick to Stefan about Catherine all these years (145, they say), and Stefan says something about Damon still having humanity, so Damon eats History Prof when he comes around the corner looking for Stefan.

This is also not how vampires behave, but whatever.

Matt and Tyler get into a spat in the locker room, so Matt walks out,only to immediately find History’s body. Ambulance called, game called off, I assume, and Bonnie realizes that History’s blood is spilled next to Caroline’s car? I have to assume, because she looks at the license plate and then the blood and then has some sort of reaction, a lot of heavy breathing and crying.

Elena and Stefan talk about the “animal attack”, and she mentions his not-cut hand again, but he brushes it away and then they hug.

Stefan decides there’s nothing human left in Damon, because a human being has never been a relentlessly evil asshole before. Ok. Sure. But it gets us to the point of the plot, which is that they fight each other. All the time. Over a woman who’s been dead for almost two centuries.

Till next time, kiddos – and keep an eye out, because I think I’m going to start doing 2 recaps a week! Double your misery, double no fun!