Can you imagine if the entire episode was a fight about scented candles? It would be GLORIOUS. Alas, we have to go back to a Vicki-less Mystic Falls and hope Damon and/or Caroline are up to something entertaining. Let’s go!

We open on the Salvatore home and Stefan waking from a nap or something. He doesn’t feel alone in the house, strange noises, open windows, etc. A female vamp attacks him, but it turns out it’s his bestie, in town for his birthday! Aw, that’s sweet. Mine don’t celebrate shit unless it’s in The Big Book of Empire Rules, or whatever-the-fuck Mircalla calls it.

Turns out Damon and Stefan are the only ones who have the magic rings to deal with sunlight, so that’s an interesting tidbit that will, like all of the mantelpiece guns in this show, surely come to nothing. But it means Bestie has to stay at the house all day, so.

Jeremy is reporting to Sheriff that Vicki went away and is fine, so they can call off the search. Sheriff goes through all of these people to poke a hole in the story, to see if it’s true, blah blah, and of course, all the stories line up because they already made them. Sheriff doesn’t like it, and Matt’s pretty pissed at Stefan, but the real kernel of this scene is Elena breaking up with Stefan.

Damon finds Lexi the bestie trying to nap, and she doesn’t seem to like him much. She accuses him of being “only the bad parts” of a vampire, and I think she meant “only the FUN parts”, because frankly, Damon is the only interesting one on this show.

Bonnie is leaving Grandma’s, because her dad doesn’t want her spending so much time around the “witchy nonsense”. Grandma re-emphasizes that Bonnie needs to be wearing the jewel, not just carrying it. Bonnie wants to give it back to Caroline, but Grandma says no: it’s Bonnie’s, it was their ancestor’s, it was never for Caroline. Bonnie wishes it were prettier.

Jenna and Elena are wallowing in their boy sorrows, because Jenna thinks she got ghosted, not that Logan fuckin died.

Jeremy, meanwhile, asks them to keep it down because he can’t focus on his homework, and he’s so behind. No one needs therapy when there’s vampire mojo!

Damon delivers vervain to Sheriff, and she makes sure to tell him it’ll be enough, because it’s a small circle. She also confesses that they may have to consider that the vampire is walking around in daylight, and they’ll look into anyone new in town. Damon offers his help, of course!

Bonnie shows up at Elena’s and asks why Elena hasn’t returned her calls. Is she going to stay in bed forever? Yup, says Elena, so Bonnie curls up next to her to have girl talk, after which Bonnie does some levitation magic to get Elena’s mind off Stefan.

Caroline runs into Damon and starts telling him off before he mojos her and tells her to throw a huge party at The Grill to help Damon solve the “vampire problem”. Oh, and he wants his crystal back. Good luck.

Bestie Lexi tells Stefan to fuck Elena and she’ll be his forever, because vamp sex is that good. I mean, I guess? I’m asexual, though, so like, no sex is ever going to be worth forever on its own. Like, you couldn’t eat a meal of only seasonings: you can’t have a relationship of only sex that lasts “forever”. He waxes philosophical about Elena choosing him and choosing forever.

Elena is 17, btw. Choosing forever.

Lexi offers Stefan blood from a bag, but he says he can’t have human, at all. Another blood-as-hard-drug metaphor. Yawn.

Damon comes in and invites them to Caroline’s party, and Stefan obviously doesn’t want to go, but Lexi does, and the plot needs it, so.

Elena shows up at Stefan’s just as Lexi is in a towel and Stefan is in the shower, and of course Elena jumps to a conclusion, but the salient bit of this is that Lexi now understands that Elena is a Catherine stand-in, and demands Stefan explain himself.

Gonna call it: I like Lexi. Think she’s gonna die within a few episodes? because I do.

Stefan says that Elena’s nothing like Catherine, so Lexi says “so not a heinous bitch, then?” But, like…. ehhhhhhhh. I wouldn’t call Elena not a bitch. She’s just a different bitch.

Lexi goes to the party, but Stefan goes to talk to Elena, even though they’re broken up? Ughghhhgghhhhhhh, I hate neurotypical relationship drama, it’s so boooriiiiiiiiing. Be together, be apart, I don’t care, just stop having dumb fucking conversations where nothing gets said!

Caroline corners Bonnie and asks for the jewel back, but Bonnie says no. Caroline says it makes her look fat (I do not have an eyeroll big enough for this, omfg) and then tries to rip it from Bonnie’s neck! Bonnie asks what the hell is wrong with Caro and walks away. Good job, Bonnie.

Stefan offers Matt support about Vicki.

Damon demands the jewel from Caroline, who says it shocked her. Damon doesn’t know why it does that, and also calls Caro stupid and useless and then goes outside, presumably for some air, but also because dumb teens make out in semi-public dark places where it’s easy to eat them.

Lexi’s hair extensions are hideous. I can’t believe she’s 350 and walking around like that. Girl. Do you not have enough money for a decent stylist? Then maybe don’t get extensions.

A lot of little nonsense scenes: Elena and Damon fight about Stefan. Bonnie tells Caroline not to let Damon treat her badly. Two, three lines tops. Half a minute at most. Bad editing, bad writing, bad pacing. Sheriff’s deputy finds the dead couple. Lexi mojos free drinks and gives one to Elena, who complains that Stefan can’t cut loose or be himself around her. Because they’ve been dating so long, right? This relationship should already be in years-long secure territory? It’s been like 2 months!

Also, apparently alcohol dulls blood cravings, so there are a lot of alcoholic vampires. Seems like maybe organizing a series of willing blood donors and preserving/bottling the blood would be ideal, if no one wants to sip and no one wants to kill unless they’re evil? Is this show some weird metaphor for how people in Hollywood seem to feel about food? Whose dissertation on this can I read?

Caro complains to Matt about her bad night. He’s kind, he listens, he tells her her strengths. Aw. Matt’s a nice guy. He doesn’t deserve this show. They run into Sheriff outside, but she lets Matt take Caro home, though no one else is allowed to leave the Grill, given the teen murder and all.

Sheriff takes the un-murdered girl into the Grill, asks her to point out the killer. She points to Damon, who’s talking to Lexi, and Sheriff poisons Lexi’s drink and hauls her out, thanking Damon for the vervain on the way. Lexi vamps out, gets shot, keeps going for the Sheriff, but Damon stakes her?! Stefan and Elena watch from a hidden point, and Stefan says it’s part of the plan? What plan? Damon’s plan? To make you miserable??

Really cannot stress enough how often this kind of sloppy nonsense kills a narrative for me. You have to explain things! You have to set them up so that they make sense when they happen! Shit that comes out of nowhere for no reason isn’t a “surprise” or a “reveal”, it’s a mistake that takes people out of the story.

We get zero explanation yet, either. Sheriff thanks Damon and then we’re watching Matt tuck Caro into bed. Don’t have any idea where Stefan and Elena even are.

Okay, wait, I’m rewinding, because then Stefan is saying he has to kill Damon? Gimme a minute, I’ll be right back.

IT’S PART OF DAMON’S PLAN. They pan from him to Stefan so fast I thought Stefan said it, so this is bad editing. ANYWAY.

Stefan wants to kill Damon immediately, but Elena stops him to save him from himself. Or so she says; I actually think Stefan’s right for once, and should actually take the energy from watching Lexi die and use it to some purpose. But no, we all know we’re just going to talk with Elena some more. There’s a reason I call this show Pretty People Talking (derogatory).

He does give it a try, though! Good for you, Stefan! He ends up only staking him in the stomach, though, because Damon spared him, so now they’re even. And then he just leaves the house. Good job, Stefan. That’ll absolutely change Damon’s behavior.

Bonnie has an actual vision of running through the woods, ending up at everyone’s favorite murder mausoleum, hearing a Corvid, and saying “It’s coming”.

And that’s where this disappointing episode ends.