Y’all. Ugh.

Just to be clear, in case you need it: this is a safe space for everyone except Nazis. Yes, even if you’re still conservative, as long as you also hate That Fucking Guy, we’ll be good. I don’t want to put anyone off from changing their minds, but be advised that I also will not be put off from speaking mine. I’m not exactly “majoritized”, tell you whut, even if it looks like I am. I have opinions and I very much find it in the scope of my profession to express them.

All that said - this is a blog about dumb vampire television, so, you know. Let’s all have fun, and GET STARTED!

Holy shit, y’all, we have… consequences? A logical follow-up to the last scene? WTF is happening, did Steal Your Cancer Girl get fired?!

Arrow and Jules are burning the bodies of their fallen wolf comrades. Wolfrades. Comwolves. (I am very high.) Not only is this happening on screen, and (in storytelling terms, at least) right after we saw them die, but it’s also taking time? Looks like hard work? Will not happen in 20 minutes before we show up at The Grill looking freshly showered? I’m startled by such competence!

They have a new guy, Stevie, a kid. He’s got some info about the moonstone: He always suspected Mason was up to something because he was fucking Katharine and didn’t want anyone to know. Jules tells him to get to the point, but that’s it: Mason wanted the moonstone to break the curse for Katharine. And now the creatures in Mystic Falls are setting things up to break the curse themselves. Arrow says that can’t be allowed to happen - even if they have to kill every vampire.

Elena asks Stefan to take her away for their own “slumber party” when he calls her at Caroline’s. She doesn’t want to deal with John Gilbert.

Oh, Damon didn’t eat the reporter lady!

Good for you, Damon. I’m glad to know you can be a gentleman. He asks if she has her story straight, and he hasn’t compelled her to forget the vampire stuff - but has compelled her to be “falling hard” for him. Huh. I mean, reporters are handy, but… Huh. Imagine me shrugging, stonedly.

She goes out and Alaric comes in. Damon gives him the dagger to kill the Originals - it has to be dipped in the heart of an ash tree from the time of the Originals to work, so that sounds easy. Ric says he was supposed to go away with Jenna this weekend, but instead they both got roped into the Historical Society tea at the Lockwood estate. It’s this week’s BCE! The reporter girl even said she was covering it today. Elijah is the guest of honor, all on the strength of his cover story as a writer doing a book on Mystic Falls. Ric asks Damon not to kill Elijah at the tea, and Damon says he won’t! He doesn’t know what Elijah’s endgame is yet, duh. But he will be going to the tea, because it’s time they met.

At The Grill, Bonnie and Caroline discuss some witchery Bonnie is contemplating. She wants to ensorcel Luka to tell her all about Elijah. Matt walks by and doesn’t wave at Caro, and Caroline of course doesn’t know what’s wrong; she thought they were fine. Girl. Go ask the question, then!

The wolves explain the curse to Tyler, only they say if they break it, they’ll be able to change whenever and the vampires will still be allergic to sunlight. And vice-versa. Am I remembering correctly that everyone dies if they break the curse? Or was it just Elena? Or was it that it breaks for everyone, and kills Elena, but it’s all-or-nothing, not one side broken, the other not?

Anyway, they want Tyler’s help to get the moonstone, but Tyler isn’t looking too pleased with these assholes. Jules reels him in with “you’ll never have to change again if you don’t want to”. Stevie says the Mystic Falls creatures must have found the Doppleganger, and show him a pic of Katharine. “That’s Elena Gilbert,” he says, and my god, an ounce of information is better than a pound of selling out your friends without even meaning to. People need to stop keeping secrets. (It’s also a shitty way to move a plot along? like, I get why it sort of works in something like this, but if it’s a straight emotional drama, no creatures, no politics? DO NOT make “secrets” the main plot elements, for the love of gods.)

Caroline asks Matt what’s going on and he asks where she was when she said she was at Bonnie’s. Because Bonnie was at The Grill. He doesn’t wait for an answer.

Tyler comes in as Caroline goes out, and he knocks her bag to the floor. She doesn’t want to see him, obviously, and he pockets something from her purse as he helps her pick it up. He says he’s sorry, and she says she doesn’t care and leaves. Matt tells Tyler to stop lying to him about Tyler and Caroline. Tyler insists he’s not, but Matt knows something is going on, but he can’t even imagine, so it must just be romantic. Caro and Matt both have points, but this is going to push Tyler right into Arrow and Jules’s plans.

Tyler took Caro’s phone. He texts Elena, asking to talk; Elena says she’s on her way to the lakehouse with Stefan. Tyler says never mind, “Caro” is fine, have fun. He then turns to Arrow, Jules, and Stevie, and says the Doppleganger is going to the lake.

Teatime has arrived! I love watching Damon schmoozing the normies. He walks right up to Elijah and Carol and gets introduced as “from one of Mystic Falls’s Founding Families!”

Bonnie brings Luka “coffee” - a milkshake with a shot of espresso and whipped topping. They play pool at The Grill while Jeremy and Caroline watch for the “coffee” to take effect - which it does, almost immediately, so Jeremy hauls Luka out a side door, witch and vampire in tow.

Elena tells Stefan a bunch of lakehouse memories, then talks about their future. It’s a nice moment, but honestly? I don’t really care. I know we’re being lulled into a false sense of security so the attack from the wolves will hit harder, and I’d just like to get to the attack, okay?

Elijah and Damon secret themselves in a room together, and John asks Ric why. Ric doesn’t know, but John accuses him of being Damon’s “lackey”. Ric can’t be ruffled, so John asks if Jenna knows about Ric’s “extracurricular activities” and “Maybe we should tell her right now.”

YES! YES YOU FUCKING SHOULD! I’ve been saying this for fucking months, JENNA IS THE FOUNDER IN THE FAMILY. You’re not even in town, John! You’re an absentee landlord! You’re a bad father! You’re a bad uncle! You’re a bad brother-in-law! JENNA CAN’T KEEP ELENA SAFE IF SHE DOESN’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHIT.

Tell her. My god.

John tells Ric no more sleepovers, and he’ll be taking the ring Isobel gave him. Dick.

Damon threatens Elijah, but obviously, Elijah is top dog here. There’s a fun little bit with a pencil in Damon’s neck, and a lot of Grant Black energy from Elijah. Unsmiling, quiet, cold, terrifying. Elijah is growing on me.

Elena’s mourning on her way to find a jacket, go outside, and get snatched. I mean, firewood. Get firewood. Stefan follows, despite the fact that he’s in the middle of cooking dinner. In the process of finding a jacket, they find a secret room in the master closet, full of weapons.

Bonnie puts Luka in a trance.

Ric and Damon sit around Damon’s house drinking, complaining about Elijah and how Ric doesn’t think that dagger-in-ashes trick is really gonna kill him. He needs more info, but Damon’s out of sources. Conversation moves on to the newslady. Ric asks Damon not to kill her; Damon says, “If I did, who would report her death?”

Ric heads out to pick up Jenna, but the wolves have arrived. They stab Ric “dead” (they don’t know about the rings, obviously) and load Damon up with an entire syringe of vervain, I assume, because it takes so much and because Damon’s still not unconscious. They think they’ve really done something here, but I think we all know they probably won’t get away with it. Damon’s irritation alone might kill them all.

The hidden weapons room also has a bunch of OG John’s journals, rosary beads, etc, etc.

Arrow gives Tyler a “pep” talk to get him to kill vampires and kidnap Elena. Tyler’s gonna fall for it, because he’s 16 and full of testosterone and wolf DNA and doesn’t have a father or a best friend at the moment.

John picks a fight with Jenna and tells her to ask Ric if they ever found his wife’s body.

Stevie tortures Damon for the moonstone.

Luka fights Bonnie’s spell but ultimately gives up that both he and Elijah want Klaus dead. Klaus is holding Luka’s sister to find a way to break the curse without the Doppleganger, and if he and his dad help Elijah, they get her back. Bonnie asks how to kill an Original, and Luka balks again: Elijah will kill him if he talks. Bonnie doesn’t care. Luka gives it up: after the sacrifice, Klaus will be vulnerable. After. Elena has to die.

Tyler and Arrow show up at the lakehouse with wooden bullets and stakes. First up: shooting Stefan and making Tyler keep watch over him while Arrow goes in to get Elena. Tyler’s hopped up on lies and anger, and lets slip that he thinks Elena will be safe. Oh, no. Stefan corrects him, despite getting a second bullet in his leg to match the one in his heart.

Elena sees the open door, sees the chef’s knife Stefan abandoned, calls his name. No dice, and she grabs the knife, steps outside, gets grabbed, and stabs the fuck out of Arrow!

Elena runs upstairs as he pulls out the knife and taunts that he can smell her. She takes her mother’s jacket off and leaves it in one room, hides in another, goes out behind Arrow, all the tricks. She’s able to get out of the house with Arrow hot on her heels, but Stefan is there to stab him again - thanks to Tyler, whose conscience is working, as long as he’s told the truth.

Jules is about to shoot Damon with buckshot when Elijah shows up with the moonstone. He drops it on a side table and invites the wolves to get it, ripping out every heart but Jules and Stevie’s. He kills Stevie, Jules runs, and Elijah saves Damon - for what he reminds us is the third time.

Bonnie calls Damon to update him on the curse, and that killing Elena is part of Elijah’s plan. Ric comes back to life and calls Jenna, apologizing for not showing up for her. She says it’s okay, but she looks disappointed. Damon calls Stefan and tells him to keep Elena away for a while longer, because Elijah is going to kill her.

Elena tells Stefan she knows. Elijah is always very careful with his words: he promised to protect her loved ones, not her. Stefan gets mad about it, because no one can just let Elena make her own goddamned decisions.

Bonnie and Jeremy kiss!!!!!!

Tyler leaves a note for Carol, apologizes to Matt and tells him that Caroline loves him, and runs the fuck away.

With Jules.

Action-packed this week, Snowflakes! It almost didn’t feel like a full 40 minutes with so little nonsense! See y’all next Friday!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S2 E14: Crying Wolf

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S2 E13: Daddy Issues