SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S2 E13: Daddy Issues

Ugh, if the first recap of the year is a stupid flashback one for Daddy Salvatore, I’ll be irritated. I was already not looking forward to Uncle John Gilbert, who - am I remembering this correctly? Did we learn that he’s Elena’s father? googles quickly Oh, look at that, I was able to remember a fact correctly! Score one for Cate, and let’s get started!

Tyler shows up at Caroline’s just as she’s leaving. (For school? Maybe! Everyone has a jacket on, but who knows! Maybe it’s fall break!) He says they have to talk, she agrees, and she tells him that Matt’s still in the picture, so they can’t start a relationship just now. Okay, he says, cool beans, hey what happened to Mason?

Mason? says Caroline. Yeah, says Tyler, I know he’s dead and I want you to tell me how it happened.

Oof, what a way to start the day. Obviously, they fight a little, but I’m sure they’ll make it up eventually.

Every single death from the… weekend?… is on the news. These people.

Carol, who is still acting mayor, because time and Mystic Falls, declares a day of mourning and a memorial service/party/Big Event of the Week.

Elena demands to know why Uncle John is in town, and he says it’s to “protect” her, but that’s all he can say. Jenna and Ric come downstairs and see him in the kitchen, and Jenna’s mad at him? I always assume Jenna is so completely cut off from everything she should know as a Founder that I’m surprised she can even see John. But yeah, she’s mad at him and tells him he can’t stay in her house, because she’s the legal guardian, and he drops the fact that he’s Elena’s bio dad. Which is the one thing I thought Jenna knew!

gonna have to get me a board

Stefan helpfully exposits to Damon about the plot we’re currently watching, and y’all, this season is a nothingburger. The moonstone still exists, so yes, we’re on a mission to destroy it and the spells with it, maybe. Very clear goal, first of all, and then there are all the objections to the still-undisclosed “deal” with Elijah and any of its stipulations (heretofore unenumerated so the writers’ room can decide what they’ll be as they go along), and now we’ve brought John Gilbert home to do… something. Maybe.

Clearly they should have gone all-in on the werewolves, but I can see how removing the headliners from your soap opera is a no-go on several fronts. Ah, well. Let’s pretend to care about… something. Vaguely. Maybe.

Caroline texts Stefan 911 and he heads over to her place just as Jules is showing up at Tyler’s. Caro tells Stefan that Tyler knows about him and Damon, knows that Damon killed Mason. She wants to fix it, focuses on how betrayed Tyler felt: it’s more important to her that this hurt Tyler than that Tyler now knows about the vampires of Mystic Falls. Caro’s got it bad for that kid.

Caroline asks Stefan to talk to Tyler, and to remember that she and Tyler are friends. That she wants to stay friends. Stefan wants to make sure Tyler doesn’t go after Damon, because Damon will kill Tyler, obviously.

Meanwhile, Jules is poisoning Tyler against all vampires. “They’ll never be your friend”, blah blah, stop being a bigot, bitch. Tyler tells her she sounds like an idiot, and when Jules tells him he should come live with her and the pack, he rightly points out that he doesn’t fucking know her! He’ll be staying with his mother - y’know, because he’s a TEENAGER, ma’am.

Damon hits up Elena’s to talk to John, who isn’t there. He and Elena agree that John isn’t to be trusted, even if Stefan thinks the opposite. Damon says they should kill him, but promises Elena he’s a “good guy” now, and he’s just going to talk to John and figure out what his angle is. Elena grabs her coat.

Stefan wanders in to Tyler’s place through an open French door. Tyler senses him, so good for Tyler! Learning new skills!

Carol leaves for the memorial while Stefan keeps Tyler quiet, so they can have the mansion to themselves to chat about supernaturality.

Jules, meanwhile, has snuck out to the woods to visit The Arrow’s trailer. He’s clearly another werewolf, here to help her kill all vampires, but I’ll probably just make a bunch of Arrow jokes.

John runs into Carol at the memorial; she tells him Damon runs the Council now. John also runs into Jeremy, who tells John not to start his anti-vampire bullshit, and then offers the invincibility ring back. John assures him he has no intention of being a fang-cist, and that he’d be a shitty person to take the ring back. Jeremy refuses an offer of lunch with John in favor of hanging with Bonnie.

Too bad Dr. Martin gets to Bonnie first. Apparently, Elena told Bonnie that both Doc and Luka are working for Elijah, conveniently off-screen, because that might have been just too interesting or useful a scene for us to see. She tells Doc this, straight out, and that she doesn’t trust him and doesn’t have anything to say. These people have so much nothing to say to each other.

Doc says that if everyone follows Elijah’s rules, everything will be fine. Great! WILL ANYONE TELL US THE RULES?

I wish I could photoshop, I’d put this guy in that James Franco “First time?” meme

Jenna is freaking out to Alaric about John being Elena’s dad, and wondering how everyone kept the secret. Jenna, baby, have I got things you need to be told! She gets halfway through a complaint when John walks in - presumably from the park (green?) across the street, where he’s just come from the memorial. TIME! IT FINALLY WORKED!

OMG, they managed to have everyone converging in one spot. Damon and Elena ALSO walk into The Grill as John is trying to get Jenna to say he can join her for lunch. Elena tells Damon not to do anything stupid; Damon point out that stupid is so much more fun, though! I’m with Damon on this one. Wait, I’m with Damon on every one, aren’t I?

Stefan is very sensibly talking to Tyler about keeping Caroline as a friend, about how they all have the same secrets to keep, about how the rivalry between fangs and paws is from a different time, a different world. Tyler looks like he’s taking it in, but his phone rings, and Stefan tries to snatch it as he answers, hanging it up. It was Jules, of course, telling Arrow they have a problem when Ty doesn’t pick up.

Damon and John have some sort of extended posturing scene, but I didn’t catch much of it because they are so close, and holding such prolonged eye-contact, and Damon whispers in John’s ear at one point and, uh. Is Damon seducing John? Vice-versa? Because that’s what it looks like. And also that would be much more interesting than whatever “tell us about Klaus” “I’m in charge here” nonsense they actually were talking about.

Fast forward to the middle of the night - well, at least, after dark. So looking forward to all the coming scenes which imply that every single character in this show took the entire afternoon and went, “Welp, no sense doing anything about anything NOW, let’s just disappear for four to six hours and then resume!” I understand that sometimes you have to shoot when you can shoot, but this show is absolutely the worst at timekeeping, and I find it funny to think about what’s happening to all these afternoons and evenings that just disappear - or all the hours-long tasks that somehow are done in minutes. Seriously, if you think about it? just for like, a couple minutes? Hysterical!

Anyway, Matt catches up with Caro because he hasn’t seen her all day. Wherever she was. He’s on his way to work, but he wants to talk. Caroline says she’ll stop by at closing, and heads to her car.

Where she is confronted by Jules. Caroline senses she’s a wolf, so she’s on her guard. Jules says she’s looking for Tyler, and Caro says she hasn’t seen him since earlier. Jules says she knows Caroline is lying, but - she isn’t? She hasn’t seen Tyler since this morning.

Anyway, Caro vamps out, Jules sprays her with - obviously it’s not Mace, but, like, garlic vampire spray? Vervain? something like that. Caro cradles her face, heals, turns back around, and is shot in the face by Arrow.

Roll commercial!

Arrow is going to torture Caroline with wooden implements - including bullets - all night.

Tyler and Stefan are still in the Mayoral Mansion, talking about being friends. Several hours after they started the conversation. (See what I mean about it being funny? Did they nap together, all curled up, do you think? or separate bedrooms?)

Jules calls Stefan on Caro’s phone to demand Tyler’s whereabouts, which - NO ONE TOOK HIM. God, why is this woman such a dumb fuckin’ bitch? He doesn’t answer one phone call so after siesta you just, threaten? kill? Why? Just call him again!

Meanwhile, Damon is meeting a TV news reporter? This plot is ridiculous today, wtf is going on.

Oh, she was hitting on him, I see. Damon refuses her drink and walks away, conveniently just as Stefan calls Elena to tell her about Tyler and Caroline. Elena begs Damon not to kill Tyler, but otherwise to get Caroline back. John wants to be looped in on this; Elena and Damon both refuse, but Elena might give in after Damon leaves.

Arrow tortures Caro.

Jules tells Arrow she just wants Tyler, they’re there to get their own, not to torture people. Arrow says that Caroline is a vampire: they’re supposed to kill vampires. He doesn’t need any more reason.

Elena doesn’t tell John shit.

Stefan shows up with Tyler, telling Jules it’ll be an even exchange. Damon shows up to be the stick to Stefan’s carrot, and Jules whistles for like nine more wolves to show up. Tyler goes to Jules’s side, but of course Arrow wants revenge for Mason and so there has to be a fight.

Tyler hesitates to free Caroline, but thank god his better ideas win out. Dude. Tyler. I know you’re going through it, but jesus, dude. Caroline is your friend!

Stefan gets a little staked, Damon gets shot with wood, and Caroline gets held at gunpoint by Jules. It looks like it’s over for the vamps when… Dr. Martin shows up?

Elijah made a promise to Elena, so the vamps get to go free because Doc is here to protect her family.

Deus ex witchery? Sure, why not, we’re in the home stretch here, I suppose I can’t get hung up on how anti-climactic that was.

Stefan delivers Caroline home, and I do like their friendship.

John goes to talk to Damon. He thinks that Damon and Stefan will protect Elena, so he’s come to give them a way to kill an Original. Damon doesn’t trust it, but John says Isobel gave it to him, and that if she succeeds in what she’s attempting, Klaus will never step foot in Mystic Falls.

Caroline is at home taking wood out of her wounds when Matt calls, to ask what happened to her. She lies that she’s with Bonnie, and Matt glances over at Bonnie and Jeremy while Caroline assures him that she’s at Bonnie’s now, and she’ll see him tomorrow.

Tyler comes to her door to apologize, but no. His hesitation? His refusal to help his friends, over people he’s known all of ten minutes? “Take that back to your little werewolf pack and get the hell out of my house.”

John also wants to make up with Elena. He offers her a bracelet from her mother: Not Isobel, Miranda. John’s sister. Elena’s parents are the people who raised her, not the DNA she’s recently discovered. So yes, John will protect her. Not because of Isobel or Elijah or any of that nonsense. Because he’s her mother’s brother.

Tyler does, indeed, go back to his “little werewolf pack”. He asks if it’s “always like this”, and while Jules says it’s definitely not, Arrow’s assurance that “you just live in vampire country” seems hollow, if not an out-and-out lie. Tyler talks about Mason, and how he told Tyler nothing. Arrow asks why Mason was even here, and Tyler tells them about the moonstone - but that he doesn’t know where it is.

Stefan brings Elena and Bonnie to have a slumber party with Caroline. Aw, Stefan, you’re so good.

Damon ends up in Reporter Lady’s tub with her - she gave Jenna her number to give to Damon. She says he can booty call her anytime, and he confesses he’s in love with another woman he can’t have. He also confesses he kills people, and then compels her to not be afraid, and then kills her, obviously. Oh, Damon.

John goes to the tomb to tell Katharine that Isobel got her message, and he’s doing his best to get her out. Of course he is. We all knew we couldn’t trust John.

And that’s it this week, kids! Hopefully next week something more exciting happens. This one was kind of a dud, not gonna lie. But when your head writer has “chemo”, guess they can’t all be winners!