SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E15: A Few Good Men

GOOB AFTERNOON, Y’ALL! Hope you’re having a lovely week. It’s been way too hot here - 100 degrees? in June?! - but aside from that, life goes on as smoothly as ever. Let’s get started!

The “previously on” reminds me about Elena being adopted and her real mom being Alaric’s wife, who was killed by Damon. Thank you, previously! I had, in fact, completely forgotten about all that, so I’m glad we’re revisiting.

We open on a hiker, and he quickly runs into the vampire who fled the raveyard crypt last episode. Only, did I miss something? IT’S FULL DAYLIGHT. I thought Stefan and Damon could daywalk because they had the rings, but Anna was doing it last time and now this vamp, who hasn’t seen anything since 1865, is just… rolling up on a hiker in broad-ass daylight?

Vamp - whose name is Harper - eats the hiker, of course, after asking what year it is and apologizing for the biting. He takes the guy’s clothes, but not his ringing phone, which obviously just confuses him, and heads off - presumably into town.

Elena calls Bonnie and leaves a message; Gran’s funeral has brought up a lot of memories of her parents’ funeral, so she’s making sure to check on Bonn. She asks Jenna if she found anything about her birth mom, and she has - Elena’s dad’s records, which list Isobel Peterson. A quick couple of Googles later, and they have Isobel’s mother’s address, but past high school (class of 1993) there’s no record of Isobel. Oh, and one more thing, says Jenna: Alaric’s dead wife’s name was Isobel.

Cut to Stefan talking to Elena about it, and they’ve already made the leap to Alaric’s dead wife being Elena’s mom. (Damn, these possessive apostrophes are getting a workout today!) It’s all so unbelievable, except that they clearly just believe it. Stefan asks if Jenna said anything about how Alaric’s wife died, but she just said “killed”, so Stefan proceeds to tell Elena absolutely nothing. Well, I mean, he says that Alaric “said some stuff” “that night at the school”. Such detail, Stefan. Such vivid description. I can almost hear the conversation now.

Epic /s, just in case.

Stefan has to go check in on Damon, and Elena has to go … somewhere, maybe school? Not to the Peterson house, because Stefan said he’d go with her for that.

Anyway, next scene is Damon “dealing” with Katharine’s betrayal by having a bunch of hot girls over. Solid strategy, I also deal with emotional problems with sluttiness, 10/10, highly recommend. Damon maintains he’s fine, it’s fine, everything’s fine.

So Stefan asks him about Isobel, does he remember anything about her, it might be important. “Nothing is important,” says Damon, “not anymore.”

Caro and Matt are doing some pretty heavy making out on Matt’s couch - at Caro’s invitation - when his mom gets home.

Jenna and Alaric are hanging posters for the annual Bachelor Auction, in which Alaric has to take part. He kisses her, and Jenna chooses this moment to tell him about Elena and Isobel. He says there’s no way Isobel had a baby, not even before he knew her. Jenna shows him her picture, from the aforementioned Class of 1993 Facebook page or whatever, and he says he never knew, and that he has to go.

Oh, Trudi is Isobel’s friend, not her mom, sorry, I do only half pay attention - first, because that’s all that’s required, seriously, and secondly, because I’m trying to make jokes. So I guess I’m not actually sorry about it. I should really stop apologizing when I don’t mean it.

ANYWAY, Elena goes to see her, so was Stefan offering to accompany her to see Alaric? Must have been. Y’all, can’t stress enough, this is the true and maddening experience of watching bad television with me IRL. You get the full Cate Winters experience here, people. I hold nothing back, first, because literally no one is reading these, and second, because I would love you if you existed.

ANYWAY x2. Elena goes to see Trudi, Isobel’s teenage friend and fellow cheerleader. Trudi asks how she knew her, and Elena asks in return if Isobel had a baby. Trudi says, “My god, you’re her daughter!”, then invites Elena in for tea. But she looks up and down the street as she closes the door, her smile fading.

Trudi lost touch with Isobel after she went away to have the baby. She knows she was in Florida for a while. Elena asks about her dad, and Trudi pauses, looking scared. “I could never get her to fess up,” she says, and her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. “But, she turned it around,” she says, changing the subject. Went to college on scholarship - Duke, maybe? Which, of course, is where Alaric is from, or where he met her, or something like that.

So Matt’s mom is a “functional” alcoholic, apparently. She hasn’t heard from Victoria, because Victoria’s dead, but they still don’t know that. She gives him a bunch of shit about Caro, calling Caro’s mom “Lezzie” Phelps? I can’t tell if this is bullying and homophobia, or she just can’t talk. Also, I assume the sheriff’s name is Elizabeth, but we’ll stick with Sheriff.

Stefan goes to talk to Alaric, who asks flat out what Elena knows about all of this vampire business. She knows about vampires, but no, not that Damon murdered his wife. Alaric wants to, like, go after Damon? Make Damon apologize or something? I don’t know, but he’s bugging Stefan about it, and Stefan’s all, “he’s unstable”, “don’t push us right now”, that kind of nonsense. Yes, Alaric. Wait for an engraved invitation to avenge your wife. All the best revengers definitely let their opponents set the terms of the engagement. Stefan needs him to let it go!

Ah, here it is: Alaric needs to know how it happened. Stefan says he asked Damon, and Damon doesn’t remember; Stefan needs a picture or something more to show him, jumpstart his memory. Alaric hands over the pic he keeps in his wallet, and it’s Flashback Time!

Isobel is working at her computer, and he’s urging her to come to bed, but she likes to work at night. He says he likes to sleep at night, and then asks her what she’s working on. And hoo-boy.

Apparently, she’s making a thesis out of proving paranormal activity? And she’s just discovered this small, isolated Virginia town near where she grew up. It’s very quiet, except that every so often, a bunch of people die in what are termed “animal attacks”, but every body is completely drained of blood. “It’s vampires,” she says, “it’s gotta be,” and this is before they give you the thesis info, so, like, girl what? and also huh? But then Alaric gets to say how proud he is of her for turning her true-believer status into a degree. She’s “like Mulder”. She goes back to her computer: “And Mulder was right in the end.”

Trudi and Elena are having a wonderful afternoon, until Trudi points out that Elena hasn’t drunk any tea. It tastes weird; Trudi says it’s “an herbal mix” and Elena says, “Vervain?” and Trudi’s anxiety hits the roof. Elena realizes that Trudi didn’t invite her in - she just said she was putting the tea on, and Elena walked right in. “You know,” says Elena, and Trudi asks her to leave. “What aren’t you telling me?” Elena demands. “How do you know?” Trudi says nothing, and Elena leaves. There’s a man in the street a little ways from her car, very obviously watching and making sure she goes.

Jesus. WTF was Isobel doing with this research?!

me to Isobel rn

Damon slides onto the barstool next to Alaric at The Grill. Damon says something about being depressed, and Alaric says he doesn’t seem the type. Damon says “you say that like you know me”, and Alaric says, “It’s just a hunch”, and then they look at each other for a few seconds? and then Alaric downs his drink and leaves.

I have literally no idea what just happened. Is this a social cue I’m missing, or just bad writing? YOU MAKE THE CALL!!!!! (no, but, like, for real, please make the call. I have no idea.)

Sheriff slides into the seat recently vacated by Alaric and says she needs a favor. So Damon asks her if she’s ever been in love. She says she’s been married, and Damon says, “Oh, right, gay husband,” then orders her two of what he’s drinking.

The favor she needs? She’s one bachelor short for the auction tonight. He asks if he can’t just help with more vampires, and she says she wishes. Damon agrees to be auctioned, and asks if she can run a background on Alaric Saltzman, because he seems “off” to Damon. Yeah, dude, bet he does. You’d better start remembering some of your murders, my guy.

Dude who stared at Elena goes to Trudi’s door. She doesn’t know who he is at first, but he thanks her for the text, and she straightens right up. She didn’t tell Elena anything, she swears. But Elena knew something. “It won’t be a problem,” he says, “she won’t get any closer to the truth.”

CLOSER?!

“So we’re done then,” Trudi says, and the man agrees, and then we all know what happens, yes? Yeah, she dead.

The woods vamp finally makes it to town, and it’s still broad-ass daylight. He looks around the town square, seemingly startled at how loud everything is. He makes eye contact with a woman on a bench. And they just… stare at each other. It might be Anna’s mom? it doesn’t look enough like her, but, like, she vaguely lifts her chin at him? They seem to be doing something with this staring, but again:

Elena goes to Stefan’s to pick him up for the fundraiser auction, and detours to chat with Damon. I quite like their little friendship, honestly, and I know they’ll probably ruin it at some point, but I’ll enjoy what I can get. She tells him she found her birthmother, and he says why? “She sucks! She gave you up!” Elena seems to think this is rude, but Stefan comes in just then.

Okay, so Elena was supposed to wait and go see Trudi with Stefan, but she ended up in the neighborhood today. Elena tells Stefan that Trudi knows about vamps, and then Stefan shows Elena the pic he got from Alaric. Elena confirms that’s her mother, and Stefan says that everything Alaric knows, he learned from Isobel, and he is a true believer. They won’t be able to convince him or mojo him.

Stefan wants Elena to wait to talk to Alaric, and he won’t tell her why, but she seems to acquiesce.

Jenna and Alaric have a very awkward conversation about Elena and Isobel. Jenna offers that maybe Alaric could talk to Elena, and Alaric physically recoils from the suggestion, saying he’s not going to be ready for that for a long time.

Stefan sends Elena ahead to the fundraiser to talk to Damon, who asks, “Where’s our girlfriend?” I like that, that’s cute.

Damon’s my favorite

Stefan shows him the pic of Isobel, and Damon is clearly lying when he says he doesn’t know her. And he’d like to know who’s asking if he killed her. Stefan says he is. “And who else?” All these dumb secrets are going to end very badly.

can’t fuckin wait!

Caro pronounces Matt “cougar-bait” to Elena at the auction. Gross, but okay. Sexy teen shows are so weird, I would like to leave now. Matt’s mom comes through and throws shade on Caro by overly praising Elena (who was Matt’s ex, remember) and then buys a bunch of auction tickets and leaves the three teens looking after her with identical “what a bitch” faces. Aw. The kids ARE all right.

Elena and Alaric lock eyes, and Alaric speeds away.

Sheriff has completed Alaric’s background check. He’s clean, a couple speeding tickets, a wife who went missing a few years back in North Carolina. Name of Isobel. The proverbial jig, as they say, is up.

So Damon - and this is why he is my favorite - CALLS ALARIC OUT PUBLICLY DURING THE AUCTION.

Mayor’s wife lady, whose name I do not recall, is introducing all the guys. Alaric is Bachelor #4, and Damon is #5. Alaric is a history teacher at the high school, thrilling stuff. Damon’s card doesn’t say anything about him - because he’s a last-minute fill-in - so she asks if he likes to travel. So this bitch says, “Oh, yeah! New York, LA, North Carolina - spent some time around the Duke campus. Isn’t that where you went to school?” and he turns toward Alaric.

ended great, but only from my perspective

“I know your wife did,” he continues, and rambles, and ultimately says that she was “delicious”.

Elena runs out, as she realizes. Everyone seems to know something has gone on, but not what. Stefan runs after Elena, and she’s furious, and asks why he’s defending Damon. Stefan says Elena isn’t the only one hoping this Katharine thing will force Damon to change, he just needs more time. Elena looks ready to fight about it, but then she sees the Enforcer guy from Trudi’s house.

Despite saying she wouldn’t bid on him, Matt’s mom Kelly has won Bachelor #3, an ex of hers. Girl, you a mess. Stop it.

She then goes on to pull some real Boy-Mom shit by telling Caro, who has just congratulated her, that she and her mom are fake, and she doesn’t know why Matt “fell for it”, and she needs to just stop this nice thing, because I don’t like you!

Ma’am. You are a grown woman. Please stop. We’re all wildly uncomfortable.

Elena goes back inside to yell at Damon for being Damon, and killing her mom. Damon looks shocked, and then honestly regretful. He does care for Elena, that’s not a put-on or a ruse, and I hope he apologizes to her properly at some point.

Elena and Stefan go to leave, but Enforcer is outside. He has a message for them: Stop looking. Elena asks for what, and he says “She doesn’t want to see you. She doesn’t want to know you. Stop looking.”

WHAT?!?!?!?!?! This bitch is ALIVE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! DUUUUUUUUUDE. Dude. What? That’s amazing! You should never have let that slip, you dumb bitch!

He asks if Elena understands, and she has like 15 more questions, but Stefan says he’s under compulsion. Elena says she understands, and Enforcer says he’s done now, and walks into traffic. He dead.

Oh, the bachelor auction isn’t an auction, it’s a raffle. Somehow, Jenna wins Alaric, and Mayor’s Wife wins Damon, because I suspect she’s cheating. But Damon has disappeared, and Alaric says he’ll call Jenna tomorrow. I assume he’s leaving to look for Damon or to just sink into a hole in the ground or something, but he has a Flashback Time before he even leaves the Grill.

He tells Isobel that this vampire stuff is too much, it’s become an obsession. She refuses to even try to explain to him why it’s so important, and he wonders why they’re even together. She doesn’t want kids, she’s always traveling - he wants to be a normal couple. “Maybe I don’t want to be,” she says, and we’re back to The Grill.

Matt brings his horrible mother home, and she ramps up the Oedipal nonsense by telling him he’s all she has left, because her boyfriend left her.

Alaric shows up at Damon’s house with a stake. He’s got, like, no chance at killing Damon, but that’s okay: Damon confesses. He turned Isobel. He turned her because she begged him to, because she was wildly unhappy. And in the course of this confession, Alaric ends up staked, and Damon watches him die.

Stefan comes home just too late, and asks Damon what he did. “I told him the truth!” says Damon, and points out Alaric came after him, not the other way around. “His wife didn’t want him anymore, and he couldn’t handle it.” Like Damon’s handling Katharine? Damon says he’s fine, but also comes up with some batshit theory about Isobel sending Elena to him to replace Katharine. Yeah, guy. You sound great.

He leaves Stefan to take care of the body, which promptly comes back to life.

The obvious - that he had ingested vampire blood - isn’t it. It’s his giant-ass ugly ring, which Isobel gave him after they’d fought, and made him promise he’d never take it off. Magic ring. No consequences.

Elena took the cell phone off the Enforcer. She calls the last number. Isobel answers: “Did you find her?” Elena says her name; she hangs up.

Raveyard vamp goes to the house where Anna’s mother actually is; the one he saw in the park is, indeed, another person entirely. A third different woman answers the door, and a fourth - the homeowner - actually invites him in. So like all the raveyard vamps were, in fact, let out, and now they’re gathering in town.

So much happened this week! My god! I feel like that episode was positively good! Or, at least, good enough to get me invested for next week. See you then, Snowflakes!