Y'ALL. I have been watching that LuLaRoe documentary on Amazon and OMG. OMGOD. These people are something else. Have you been watching? Have you ever been involved with LLR? Let me know in the comments or on my socials, because holy fuck, is that some good trainwreck watching. Almost couldn't pull myself away for a recap this week. Almost.

We open on a... comic shop? It's named "Beguiling", which screams "boutique clothing" to me, but sure, it can be a comic shop. Vicki is hanging around, reading "Blood Price", one of Henry's novels. Convenient that it's one of yours too, Vic! A couple guys who work there try to talk to her, and they're acting like their super nerds who won't ever see a woman's unclothed ankle, but this is 2007. I can guarantee nerds hot enough to be cast in a television show were drowning in it - just like all nerds, everywhere, when they're just regular people. Why we keep hanging onto this nonsensical 1950s high school hierarchy as a society is baffling to me, and I need it to stop so I don't have to take a giant paragraph to bitch about it at the beginning of my supposedly funny tv recaps!

Blergh. Anyway. Henry's in there every week for new comics Wednesday and they banter about getting to know each other - Vicki says the books will tell her a lot more than he will, but honestly, I wouldn't take the author's views as the person's, Vic. I write a lot of shit that looks absolutely nothing like my life, trust. I am very boring in person.

Somewhere else, a lady is trying to get her daughter down for the night because the movers are coming in the morning, and they are apparently going to pack every single item in this house before they move it anywhere, because this kid has art on the walls - in frames and out - and toys everywhere and fancy curtains still up and clothes on the floor. Like, come on. My places have all looked like depressing squats the night before moving: bed on the floor, nothing on the windows, every trace of human levity or joy replaced by builder-standard finishes and ugly beige paint. I wanna know how much these luxury movers cost, man!

So, kid refuses to move and says she hates her mom, and then the whole house shakes and a monster appears in the kitchen. You know, normal kid stuff. And then it's time for the theme song!

not pictured: that kid's monster

Coreen has run an ad for the PI biz, proclaiming no case too strange and that they specialize in the paranormal. Vicki protests: "I'm not Ghostbusters!"

nope, she's defs not in this pic

But it's getting them clients, and clients mean money, and Vicki's 10:30 is already here. They tell the story absolutely super backward - clearly we're supposed to assume that this woman is related to the lady and the kid we already saw, but there's literally zero indication of that until the end of the conversation. So in order, here's what happened: Old Lady (Emily) came in to get help finding her daughter's husband. Her daughter, Celeste, has been murdered, and Emily knows that Steve (the husband) didn't have anything to do with it. But Emily's granddaughter, Sarah, is living at her boarding school now, and she'll have to go into foster care if they can't find Steve. I think. Again, they told this fucking backward for zero reasons, and I am assuming that Celeste and Sarah are the mom and kid and demon imaginary friend.

SO. Vicki takes the case, obvies. Emily is sure that Steve had nothing to do with the murder, so Vicki gets to work.

First stop is watching the tapes of Sarah's interview with police, where she's a little too adamant that no one else was in the house besides her and her mom. Celeste's wounds look like bites and scratches, and they have no leads yet. Steve and Celeste split a year ago, and Steve seems to have vanished, so much so that no one thinks he's involved in this murder. Mike's boss tells Vicki in no uncertain terms that she's not on the homicide, so stop asking difficult questions and stick to your stupid missing persons case.

Vicki manages to leave without fighting with Mike - but that's just because Mike manages not to say anything misogynistic or ableist while she's standing there.

But then Graham (his partner) comes in with the background check on Henry? which he already did? so I guess this is, like, a deeper one? I guess we just have to rehash Mike's reasons for being such a dick, though it won't provide any justification, MIKE.

Vicki heads over to Sarah's school and talks to the headmaster. It's a school for "gifted" children, which is a whole other boondoggle of a term that I'm not going to get into here, but trust, it's all bullshit. Sarah is supposedly a talented artist, but Steve wasn't into the art, or Sarah's education at the school. The headmaster wasn't impressed with him, but we don't get any more of that because Sarah's brought in to talk to Vic.

Sarah maintains that her father doesn't want her - that he, in fact, hates her, and left because she was bad. Vicki reassures her, as you would, but Sarah runs off. So Vic goes back to ask the headmaster some more questions about Steve.

Meanwhile, Henry's getting his drink on at a club while Mike is interrogating the weird-ass doorman dude at Henry's building. Doorman lets slip that Henry tips well at Christmas, keeps night hours, and has a revolving bed of women in and out of the penthouse.

Vicki cuts short Henry's meal to request company at Celeste's house. Vicki's searching for anything that might indicate Steve's whereabouts - she finds it hard to believe that he would just abandon his family and never talk to them again, though that sounds like a tale as old as time, to me. All she has so far is Emily's word that Steve is a stand-up guy, but everyone else says he just up and left. I understand she has to do her best for her client, but wouldn't it be easier to check DMV records or something?

While going through mail scattered on the floor, Vicki finds one of Sarah's pictures in an envelope from the school, with a note for Celeste to call Sarah's teacher. It's dated one week before Sarah died, and the picture shows Sarah standing over a dead Celeste in the kitchen, a giant monster standing next to her.

Vicki and Henry head to the ME's office to ask about Celeste's murder. Claws again, though clearly not from a dog or wolf or bear or anything. Also, whatever it was kept clawing at Celeste after she was dead. Henry asks the ME if the thing Sarah drew in her picture could have made the wounds on Celeste, and she says sure, if that thing existed. Vicki and Henry head out, but she's not happy about him showing the pic around, because it doesn't mean anything, monsters aren't real. Henry disagrees.

So, Steve's a mechanic and into classic cars, and Coreen finds him by calling classic restorers in the greater Toronto metro. So, Coreen is the PI now? Vicki just hangs out with Henry doing unnecessary B&E's?

Dr. Crusher rolling her eyes with the caption, Sure, Jan, from the Brady Bunch meme

Before going to interview Steve - and, presumably, have to tell him about the death of his ex-wife and the orphaning of his child, since the cops didn't know where the fuck he was - Vicki tells Coreen to "get on the Net" (yes, it's capitalized and everything!) and research anything supernatural that could be Sarah's monster.

Huh, Steve's a short king, and very much not in the mood to be asked questions about his ex. Oh, he does seem like a jerk: he gives Vicki an alibi immediately, and says he cannot help Emily, she'll have to find someone else. Vicki protests that that's his kid! but he does. not. care.

Vicki thinks it's all hinky, especially now that Steve won't have anything to do with Sarah. To be fair to Vicki, Steve definitely didn't act like a guy who hated his family, or didn't want to be a father. He seems like someone who literally cannot help, and is tired of being asked. Vicki talks it over with Mike, and she's pretty insistent that something's weird, but Mike, as usual, thinks she's wrong.

a "keep calm" poster, but it says "fuck this guy"

every episode, apparently

So Vicki goes back to talk to Sarah, who maintains that Daddy left because he hates her, but he never hurt her or her mom. Vicki asks about the picture, and Sarah says that's not her dad; that's Buttercup, her stuffy! Buttercup wouldn't hurt ANYONE, and she resents the implication, and she runs off to her room.

So Vicki talks to her classroom teacher. Sarah's been drawing weird shit for over a year; Steve never seemed to care about her; Teacher was trying to get hold of Celeste to discuss it. While they're talking, though, the headmaster goes through a locked door to a hidden part of the school, where they're doing psychic experiments on the kids. Sarah's in this weird bit, and he says that they "have to talk about Buttercup".

He tells her that Teacher betrayed them by sending the pic to her mom, and Teacher must be dealt with, or Sarah will end up going away. Sarah says, as the school starts shaking, that she doesn't want to hurt anyone, but the headmaster goads her into producing Buttercup and attempted-murdering Teacher.

Mike shows up at the school because the paramedics called him because Vicki was involved.

STOP MAKING ME USE THIS

Mike asks what happened, and Vicki tells him, and Mike thinks she's lying or crazy or hysterical or whatever. He brings up Henry again, because OF FUCKING COURSE, and then leaves in a huff, luckily just before Henry shows up to accompany Vicki to interview Steve again.

He tells her that she has no idea what's happening, and she should stay away. Besides, Celeste wouldn't let him help Sarah at all, anyway. Steve's super stroppy until Henry mojos him, and then he says fuck it, I'll tell you.

Sarah's imaginary friend kills and hurts people. They were desperate for help when Headmaster found them, and at first the school seemed good - incidents stopped around the house, Sarah seemed happy. But then she would want something, and Buttercup would just take it. Things escalated until Buttercup attacked Steve, and he knows that's what killed Celeste. He's terrified of Sarah, and with good reason, and he will not take her out of that school. He stalks away, though he can still hear Vicki as she screams the house down about abandoning fathers. Look, Vic, your dad sounds like an asshole, but your psychic-powered imaginary friend didn't try to kill him, so mayyyyyyyyyyybe these situations are a little different?

Mike is still trying to figure out Henry, so he's at the comic shop, being condescending about From Hell and asking rude questions. He learns basically the same things: night owl, lots of hotties throwing themselves at him. He obviously follows this up with staking out (heh. stakes) Henry's apartment.

Steve is going around the damn bend. Drinking at work, pulling a gun out of his toolbox and loading it. He calls Vicki's office and leaves a message about taking Sarah out of the school, and Vicki goes after him, trying to get Henry's help on the way. She runs into Steve immediately, and says she'll help him get his daughter.

Henry gets Vicki's message as he leaves his place; he hurries to his car and Mike follows.

Headmaster goes to the secret door and unlocks it; Vicki and Steve accost him and follow him in to Sarah. Steve says he's taking her out of the school, and Sarah starts wilding out. Henry and Mike stop for a small spat in the front driveway about Mike's following Henry, but then they're headed in to "save" Vicki, who's having to listen to Headmaster monologue about... Satan? giving Sarah her powers? Weird addition, but sure, makes a good monologue.

Henry breaks down a door that Mike couldn't budge, and how long is it before Mike figures out the vampire thing? Or won't he, because that's too "hysterical"?

Sarah's being a bitch, the room is shaking, Buttercup is on the loose, Henry breaks in and is choking Headmaster, Vicki and Steve are talking Sarah out of her bitchery. Sarah acts nothing like a child, just for the record. I don't know any children who have ever acted like this, or ever would, no matter who was influencing them to use their freaky telekinesis. Pretty sure Sarah's like, Fae or some shit, man, but this is the end of the episode, so of course they convince her that Steve loves her and Headmaster is a bad guy, and Buttercup is a dick. Everyone goes home happy, Headmaster goes to jail, and Mike is reduced to asking Henry "what" he is.

So Henry answers.

And Mike promptly overreacts about the vampirism.

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E4: Gifted

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E5: Deadly Departed

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E3: Bad Juju