Not this one. The Amanda Grayson-looking one. I’m hype for this episode, y’all. It’s the penultimate of the season, so only one more after this! And frankly, my knowledge of both Grey’s Anatomy and Star Trek is, well, autistic in its breadth and depth. Meaning I can make jokes for daaaaaaayyyyyys. Let’s get started!

Well, we’re off to a bad start. The little “last time on” recap at the beginning ends with Isobel saying hello to Alaric, and then it just… starts the episode with the rest of that conversation. I was like, I don’t remember this from last week? Yeah, because it wasn’t on last week. This is now this week. They gave absolutely zero indication the ep was starting, so why do I feel dumb?

HOKAY, SO. She says it’s good to see him, and he asks where she’s been. She says she has no answers that will satisfy him. She wanted to become a vampire, and he was supposed to mourn her and move on. He asks how could he not search for her? “Because I wasn’t lost, Ric,” she says, sadly, and then changes the subject to Elena. She wants Ric to arrange a meeting for her and Elena, and Ric is pissed to be treated like a messenger. He calls her a “selfish bitch” and leaves.

She follows him out, making no effort to hide her vampire movement. Ric says he’s not going to do anything for her. She takes him by the throat and says that he’s going to tell Elena to meet her, and if he or Elena don’t do what she wants, she’ll start killing townspeople, starting with his history students. She drops him and goes.

Oh, she’s delightful, I like her just fine. I mean, killing innocents is a little gauche, admittedly, but some people are just tacky sometimes. I like Little Debbie cakes and real cigarettes (though I gave up the cancer sticks for good several years ago). We’re all trashy in our own ways.

Elena calls Damon to check on Stefan before she heads out to work on the Miss Mystic Falls float for the Founders’ Day Parade.

POV: the founders’ day parade goes by the reviewing stand

They banter a bit: Damon says Stefan is horrible, back to being his boring, stupid, moral self again. They laugh. Damon asks if Uncle John has said anything about his “field trip” with the history teacher, and Elena again confesses to avoiding John. Damon wants to know what he’s up to; Elena says she’ll keep an eye out.

Alaric is going over expectations for the … high school’s? history department’s? history class’s? Founders’ Day float. Tyler is in charge, because Ric’s “seen [his] sketches. They’re good.” Tyler doesn’t want to be involved, and Ric just says he doesn’t really care, pick your team, don’t screw up, and hey, I have to leave to talk to Elena now. Tyler asks Matt if he wants to be on his… float team? but Matt, obviously, says no. Still pissed about your mom being a predator? Yeah, I would be, too, but maybe that’s not Tyler’s fault?

Instead of following Ric, Elena, and Stefan, we go to Caroline’s float team, who are referencing last year’s Miss Mystic Falls float.

It’s exactly what they don’t want to do, apparently, so they’re doing “classic Southern charm” - aka, Gone With The Wind.

Look, I actually love GWTW, but it’s a racist movie. It was a racist book about a racist time in history. I don’t think it should be banned or anything, but I also don’t think it should be a parade float theme? Like, come on, now.

But we’re quickly derailed from float decisions by Caroline asking wtf is going on between Bonnie and Elena. THANK YOU! OMG, Caroline, we’re besties now, okay? Bonnie says it’s nothing, but Caroline says the whole point of float building is friends coming together to make something, but Tyler and Matt hate each other and now Bonnie and Elena are on the outs? No. Bonnie needs to tell her what’s wrong, so she can help fix it.

Bonnie simply says she can’t talk about it. She’s sorry.

We didn’t stay with Alaric, Stefan, and Elena because get this: the writers aren’t going to repeat information we already know.

I mean, they’ve been pretty good about that, especially for a soap opera. I shouldn’t be such a snarky bitch, but then, I do have to be true to myself. Anyway, Damon comes to Alaric’s classroom, and Elena and Stefan have 1000-yard stares on. Damon asks what’s going on, and Alaric fills him in in one line: “I saw Isobel last night.”

Uncle John pulls his modestly-priced compact sedan in front of a mansion. I thought it was one of the kids’ cars, honestly, doesn’t seem like something John would be driving, a little Corolla/Civic/Camry/Whathaveyou. Walks in like he owns the place, though I suspect it’s Isobel’s. Ah, yes - John gets to the bedroom, where Isobel in a nightie is watching a couple dancing. She picked them up in Brooklyn and Amarillo, and apparently has them under compulsion, because John yells at her for treating “real human beings like dolls”.

Isobel says if they’re going to be partners, he has to stop being such a hater.

“We’re in a partnership together because we share a mutual goal. Don’t ever confuse that for acceptance of your lifestyle,” John shoots back. Ah, I see. I hope John dies soon.

She asks if he has the invention, and of course he doesn’t, so she backhands him and says she’s taking over from here. I love it.

Damon asks if John and Isobel are working together. Ric didn’t ask. What about the invention? The tomb? What, exactly, did Ric ask her? Well, nothing, obviously, she just wants to see Elena. Damon tells her she doesn’t have to see Isobel if she doesn’t want to, and Stefan seems surprised that he would be so tender with her. But Elena says she does have to: Isobel threatened to kill people, after all, and Elena thinks she’ll regret it if she doesn’t go, just from a personal standpoint, not from, like, all the bodies at her feet.

Y’all, we’re not even 10 minutes into this episode. Where has all this plot been for 20 episodes?!

They meet at The Grill, where else? Elena’s wearing a little transmitter, and Stefan’s playing pool and listening in. The first thing Isobel says is that Elena looks exactly like Katharine, which is weird, because Elena’s titties are, like, never out. Katharine found Isobel when she first turned - genetic curiosity, apparently, nothing as lovely or human as The Great Family. Isobel says Katharine would be “fascinated” by Elena.

Isobel daywalks because of a pendant. (Why does everyone else do it, VD writers’ room? Huh? Anna? Harper? Frederich?) Elena asks about her father: “a teenage waste of space.” Isobel says she asks a lot of questions, but she’s asked 3, and she asks why Isobel compelled the guy to step into traffic. Because she’s a vampire, duh. Elena says no, she knows other vampires, better vampires, and Isobel asks why Elena went for Stefan instead of Damon - or does she enjoy them both, like Katharine did?

Elena looks way too prudily scandalized by that thought to be even having this conversation. Elena. Honey. If you’re going to run with vampires, you have to give up a lot of American prudishness. I know these vamps seem squeaky-clean and wholesome, but they’re vampires. Come on, now.

Damon and Alaric are waiting outside. Isobel made it clear they weren’t allowed in, and Damon says he’s not going to kill her in a crowded restaurant! Alaric says he’s not going to kill her at all, and Damon’s surprised he still wants to protect her. Ric says she was his wife - was, because “whoever that is in there, she’s cold, detached.” Because she’s a vampire, says Damon, but Ric doesn’t understand it. Damon and Stefan both still have some humanity, why doesn’t Isobel?

Look, I could put an entire other essay in here about why female-presenting vampires are always “cold, detached, inhuman” and male-presenting vampires are always either brooding and “good” or rakish and “evil”, but only insofar as it makes them sort of an anti-hero. I could. I won’t. I’m sure y’all can figure this one out without me, we live in a patriarchy, yadda yadda. Y’all can fill in the screed, have fun!

Damon tells Alaric that they can “turn it off”, meaning their humanity or emotions or whatever they’re calling it this week. Not alexithymia, never that, but whatever “bizarre”, “inhuman” thing they’re attributing to vampirism instead of being a totally normal, if rare, human variation. I love being a creature.

Elena asks why Isobel wanted to see her. She’s curious about Elena, of course, but she wants what Uncle John wants: the invention. She knew Uncle John in school; he had a huge crush on her, was the first one to tell her about vampires. Elena asks why Isobel wanted to be one. Isobel says it’s a long list, and surely Elena has thought about it. Elena, once again, looks scandalized, and I have to go smoke another bowl, oh my god, I did not expect to have to teach Vampire Diaries from a feminist lens today, christ.

Elena is so good and pure, such an upright woman, she’d never consider being a dirty, slutty vampire! Over and over and over, this trope, this goddamn stupid bullshit nonsense. Fuck outta here with this shit. Fuck.

Anyway. Elena says no, she hasn’t considered the reasons, and Isobel says it’s her first lie. Elena will get old; Stefan won’t. Forever isn’t very long when you’re human.

Elena says she doesn’t have the invention and storms off. But Isobel’s riiiiiiiiiiiiight!

I know I’ve ranted about it before, I must have, because this whole thing, this overarching trope of some sort of patriarchal or misogynistic values imposed on vampirism is fucking everywhere. It makes my skin crawl. It’s stupid. It doesn’t make any sense. WHY ARE YOU WITH A VAMPIRE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE A VAMPIRE. Make it make sense to me.

I know, I know, the women must refuse the icky stand-in for sexual desire. And the men must regret having to sully women with sexual desire? I think? There’s a lot of overlap in the male archetype with addiction in various forms, which I have also complained about at length. It is the 21st century. Can we ever put away Puritanical mores? We just have to keep this stupid shit lying around forever because…? Because our ancestors gave it to us? Fuck them, it’s broken, I’m throwing mine out.

(If you’d like to read about a human woman who is with a vampire because she wants to be a vampire, I have a book for you!)

Psych! Isobel actually grabs Elena before she can complete her walk-off. Isobel knows that Damon has the invention. Elena will get it from him. Simple.

And then Isobel walks off.

Elena starts crying; Bonnie walks up, but then sees Stefan behind her, and nothing is said, because Bonnie is mad for reasons. I mean, we’re not allowed to know them, or anything, but she swears they exist.

Jeremy calls Anna and leaves what sounds like a multiple of messages. Jenna overhears him and asks about Anna, because Jenna likes her. John pops in and also asks about Anna, but Jeremy doesn’t want to talk to him. John complains about nobody wanting to talk to him anymore. Well, don’t be an asshole, John, and people might like you.

Damon is… in an apartment? that he must own, because Isobel shows up as he’s “losing” strip poker with a rando. Oh, it’s Isobel’s house, that was the girl she picked up in Brooklyn. There’s a lot of stalking and aggressive flirting that isn’t flirting.

Katharine wants the device, not Isobel, and Katharine won’t be crossed. Isobel is just a messenger. But bad news: Damon believes in killing messengers. And Isobel went after Elena, which was clearly a mistake. If Katharine wants something from him, she’d better show up herself and let him know.

Bonnie shows up at Elena’s because she feels bad about not comforting Elena at The Grill. They’re friends, and if Elena needs her, Bonnie is here. She’s sorry she couldn’t show that YESTERDAY.

Not exactly the best fit, but I’m just impressed they gave us some sense of time, no matter how nebulous it might be. I was beginning to think it really was just some alternate dimension where time has no meaning.

Elena says she met her birth mom, and then Bonnie hugs her.

Tyler tries to apologize to Matt at float building.

Elena meets Bonnie at school, so I hope this is a different day, but again… [insert ICP here]. Anyway, Bonn has Emily’s grimoire. It’s got all the inventions in it: the compass, rings, and whatever Katharine’s looking for. John Gilbert didn’t invent anything: Emily put magic in all of them to make them work. The device Katharine wants is more than one piece, though Damon only has the one. They read the spell about it: it’s an anti-vampire weapon. Bonnie and Elena seem confused as to why Katharine would want it, but, uhhhhhhhhhhh - vampire? She wants to kill other vampires, obviously.

Elena goes to the float building to find Stefan, but runs into Jeremy looking for Anna instead. She says she hasn’t seen her, and Jeremy says she’s lying, because she always lies to him. He knows that she knows about vampires, and he knows about vampires, so where the fuck is Anna? Elena still hasn’t seen her, but Jeremy stalks off without believing that.

Elena can’t go after him, though, because Isobel shows up. Amazing, how these vamps are literally never wearing sunglasses. I wear sunglasses indoors and at night, but sure, I guess all this magic making them daywalkers could also make them impervious to how bright the motherfucking sun is. (I have three different sets of sunglasses - full strength for most of the time, half strength for rain and cloudy days, and yellow for night, because of those LED lights that no one points properly that fuckin’ blind everyone else on the road.)

Isobel threatens Elena by talking about being more involved in Elena’s life - she points out Bonnie and Caroline and Matt and Jeremy and blah blah blah. Do what I want or I kill the people you love. She demonstrates by injuring Matt a little, and then apparently kidnaps Jeremy? Well, she says she’ll kill him, and Elena whips around and can’t see him anymore, so that’s the inference we’re supposed to make.

Tyler is driving Matt to the hospital, because an ambulance will be 20 minutes and cost $5,000.

Isobel goes home to John. Oh, she did kidnap Jeremy! look at that. John’s pissed. He thinks she won’t kill a kid, but come on, dude. He asks for the “old Isobel”, but that seems a losing proposition. And it is. Her sex lackeys attack John and she takes his invincibility ring.

Bonnie, Stefan, and Elena try to convince Damon to turn the device over. Bonnie says she can remove the original spell, making it useless. John and Isobel won’t know. Damon says no, he’ll rescue Jeremy himself. Stefan points out the problems with that, so Damon turns to questioning Bonnie’s powers. She shows off with a little parlor trick of telekinesis, and they jabber some more, but ultimately, Damon gives up the device.

Locked up at Isobel’s, John shares some exposition with Jeremy. Tells him about the device, that the vamps want it to take vengeance on Mystic Falls. Why would a vampire help John kill vampires? says Jeremy, like human beings aren’t constantly sniping at each other 25/8. (There’s too much to fit in a normal week, we added shit just to fuck with each other more.) John tells Jeremy that’s why his parents were killed: because of all the vampire shit.

And I know, you’re gonna be all, “Cate, why would an immortal being continue such petty rivalries?” and if that’s your question, sweetie, I need you to read some novels. Vampires are nothing but petty. They’re just humans with fangs. You think they’re going to therapy and doing the work?

Final ten minutes!

Bonnie takes the device apart and unspells it, which involves a lot of handwaving and not much else.

Elena meets Isobel to hand it over, but she wants Jeremy first. Isobel says it isn’t a negotiation, but honestly, of course it is. Everything is.

Oh, Jeremy and John are back home. John “hit his head”, and Jenna’s cleaning it up. Hey, when do we bring Jenna in on all this? Don’t we think she should know? Especially after all that Logan ghosting mess, it might be nice for her to know that the town’s overrun with fangs and it’s not her.

Elena says that Isobel never intended to hurt Jeremy. Isobel says she intended to kill him. Elena can’t be looking for redeeming qualities in Isobel; there aren’t any. I beg to differ, but my standards are very different.

Isobel says she knew Damon would give up the device because he’s “in love” with Elena, but I don’t think that’s true. I think the show writers can’t figure out any other reason Damon would feel kindly toward her, but they can be friends. They can be sibling-like. Damon’s kind of her brother-in-law, y’know? I always feel sorry for people who seem to think romantic love is the only reason for kindness or care. Their lives must be very bleak.

Elena thanks Isobel for being a disappointment, so she can remember her real mother perfectly. Isobel warns her that as long as she’s in with the Salvatores, she’s fucked. Katharine was smart enough to get out, but “we all know you aren’t Katharine.” I haven’t seen your titties once!

Isobel leaves, Stefan hugs Elena, Damon looks on in what we’re supposed to interpret as romantic longing, but I hate it, I refuse.

Elena wants to talk to Jeremy about everything, but he’s rightfully pissed about Damon erasing his memories. (“For good”, remember that? when Damon thought he brain damaged Jeremy so much he’d never remember? Ah, good times!)

Jeremy still can’t get hold of Anna.

Isobel says goodbye to Alaric, saying she’s leaving. They fight a little, obviously. She’s a different person, what did he think he’d find, he throws his ring and his vervain at her, daring her to kill him. He doesn’t think she wanted to be a vampire, and she says she did - but she’ll regret it forever.

Anna finally turns up at Jeremy’s to tell him Pearl and Harper are dead.

Stefan threatens Damon about Elena. Yawn. But then at the end, he puts together something I missed: John is Elena’s dad. Isobel dated him when she was 15, she ended up in his brother’s office, she’s still working with him now… Damn, Damon, you’re good. I missed all of that!

Stefan asks him what proof he has, and he says that’s for John, Elena, and Maury Povich to deal with.

Isobel is, apparently, actually leaving. She calls John and tells him that what he’s looking for is on his doorstep (his ring and the device) and that he’d better not screw up. Katharine wants all the raveyard vamps dead, and Isobel is adding two to the list: The Salvatores. Duh. Isobel doesn’t “want this life for her”, meaning Elena. “She’s our daughter, John,” she says, more to inform the audience than to admonish him.

Caroline meets Bonnie at the grill in our literal last minute. She wants Bonnie to tell her what’s going on between her and Elena. Bonnie says she “did something bad”. To Elena. She pretended to do something that she couldn’t really do - that Grams wouldn’t have done, so she didn’t do it. But when Elena finds out….

Friday’s our finale, y’all! Bonnie not disenchanting the device will come up, I hope! As will Elena’s parentage! And I hope Katharine shows up! I do not want to have to hear about this bitch for another 22 episodes, tell you what.

Till Friday!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S01 E21: Isobel

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S01 E22: FOUNDERS’ DAY

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S01 E20: Blood Brothers