SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E12: Unpleasantville

Judging by Elena's truly heinous 60s cosplay in the thumbnail, my historical costuming/vintage fashion ass is going to find this very unpleasant indeed. Let's see what they fuck up today!

So the "last time on" includes nothing from the last episode except Alaric's wife. Thanks for wasting everyone's time!

And look, I'm a Star Trek fan, I love a good filler episode. Some of the best Treks have nothing to do with overarching plots: Data's Day, that Allamarane episode of DS9. Show me a bottle episode, and I'll probably love it. But STUFF HAS TO HAPPEN, first of all, and it shouldn't follow immediately after a cliffhanger ending with new vampires.

This episode starts with Elena asking Stefan who the new vamp is, and Stefan not knowing. So this is where we should have ended up last episode, instead of fucking around in Georgia and killing Gina Torres! Stefan gives her back her vervain necklace and made bracelets for Jeremy and some other friends (I'm guessing Bonnie and Caroline). Meanwhile, downstairs, Jeremy invites the pizza guy in while waiting for Elena to pay him, and dude looks way too happy about it. The obvious musical sting really brings it home. Why hasn't Elena told Jeremy and Jenna not to invite strangers in? Seems like vamp protection 101.

Damon is looking for a book when Stefan goes home to yell at him about going to Georgia. Thank you, Stefan, it was rude of Damon to make us all watch that. They trade barbs, but no information.

Alaric and Jeremy discuss Jeremy's paper, on which he got an A, and Alaric wants to make sure Jeremy doesn't really believe in vampires. Oh, and, could he see that journal Jeremy cited? Of course!, and Jeremy hands it over.

Ah, I am being shown a poster for the "50s Decade Dance", which... why is decade in there? but it would explain Elena's thumbnail costume from the 60s. Almost no American has any idea what a specific time period looked like or is called; just ask the girl in my high school madrigal choir who made posters advertising our "Renaissance Victorian" costumes. And as we come around the corner, Caro is thanking Elena for the vervain necklace. She does wonder what the occasion is, so Elena takes the opportunity to say she's fine with Caroline being with Matt.

Matt is applying for a busboy job at The Grill, talking to the bartender who also used to be a star football player at the high school.

Bonnie and Elena are talking about Elena being adopted over fries. Elena says she looked at her birth certificate and it lists her parents as her bio parents, so Bonn urges her to speak to Jenna. You know, that thing Elena did at the end of the last episode?

Elena leaves to go to the store, and we STAY WITH BONNIE FOR MORE PLOT!!!!!!!!

Damon wants to start over with Bonnie, but she threatens him with fire. Ben, the bartender, who is apparently now a character, asks if there's a problem. Damon says no, but Ben says he wasn't talking to him. Damon takes himself off, and Ben asks how Bonnie has been. She's shocked he knows her, but he, like, just graduated, and says of course he does.

New Vamp calls Elena, saying she won't get away from him next time, but he's just across the street? talking on the phone and watching her drive away? Is this not "next time"? I wouldn't be afraid of this guy after that, tell you hwat.

Stefan says he called because it's a predator thing, but, uh, no. Velociraptors would never. Stefan goes on to give back the compass, and explain to Elena about the Gilberts being a founding family who hunted vamps.

Caro and Matt are...making posters for the dance? and then they get into a weird fight because Matt isn't going to the dance cuz he has to work, and he thinks Caroline is being a bitch about it? I can't parse this one, kids, seems dumb, let's keep moving.

Anna's trying to get Jeremy to hang out with her, but it's a no-go. I blame the clear curling iron attack that happened just before filming: no one's gonna date a girl with hair like that.

Green and Briscoe

Okay, I shouldn't be mean, but come on! The great curling iron terror of the Aughts was traumatic!

Elena once again asks Jenna about the adoption. Apparently, Elena's dad was a doctor, and one night a 16-year-old showed up at his office, already in labor. He delivered Elena and the mother disappeared. Elena's dad fixed the birth certificate and brought her home. They only ever knew the birth mother's first name: Isobel.

this teen Isobel also gave up a daughter....

Stefan brings his dad's journal to Damon, and says that to get Damon out of town, Stefan is willing to consider letting Catherine escape the raveyard - but just Catherine. Also, the journal won't help, but he brought it because Damon was looking for it. Damon wonders what Stefan's ulterior motives are, but Stefan warns him not to apply his own habits to everyone else. Stefan wants him gone. If it takes Catherine to do that, fine.

Elena is getting ready for the dance, and as she goes into the bathroom to... straighten her dry, straight hair with a round brush and a hair dryer?! Okay, fine, whatever. While she's drying her dry hair, the compass is going crazy on her bed. The new vamp attacks her, but Stefan stops him, and we still haven't seen his face except when he delivered pizza. Also, Elena is wearing slouch socks and low tops from 1989? I hope they show this outfit full length so I can get a pic. It's so, so bad.

this is the best I could manage, but seriously, what is going on here

She's gotta be wearing a Bump-It, right? That hair is insane.

Uncharacteristically, we come back from commercial (yes, peacock has commercials, it's free from my internet provider, but irritating) to Stefan having invited Damon over, and the three of them actually come up with a plan. They go to the dance, show Elena off as bait, see who bites. Stefan thinks it's dangerous, but Elena says they should do it

Everyone at the dance seems to understand what 50s means, so good on the costume department for doing one thing right. If Elena weren't the main character, I'd think we were dressing her badly to make a point about how dumb she is, but I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to think she's dumb in the first place, so who knows why she looks like that and dries dry hair.

Alaric immediately sees Damon at the dance, so we've got prickly bystanders ready to fuck shit up, always a sign of a very good high school dance. He invited Jenna to help him chaperone, and she looks adorbs, and hopefully will prevent any fights.

Bonn and Caro wonder why Damon's here - "What is this, a threesome now?" snarks Caro. "You and the Salvatore brothers?" First of all, good for Elena, who has the personality of a shoe, to get two hot vamps, stop being jealous, Caroline. Secondly, Elena says no, she just has to learn to like Damon if she's dating Stefan. She promises, Damon will behave.

Jenna and Alaric discuss his wife, and how he has no idea how she died, and living without answers is the hardest part.

Oh, here's the vamp, still in his hoodie. Wait, is that Ben from the bar? Is that why he's a sudden character?

But it's only halfway through the episode, so we come back to Elena dancing with Stefan and not seeing anyone suspicious, unless he's wearing a pompadour. Stefan laughs that it wasn't one of the better fashion choices, and all I have to say to that is you better keep it to yourself on the bridge of Pike's Enterprise, Lieutenant Kirk.

god, it's so tall

Anna shows up at the dance to continue stalking Jeremy, and the curling iron seems to be winning. Poor Anna. Unless all this "homeschooling" is really because she's also some sort of creature. Ooh, that would be good, I like Jeremy so much better than anyone else in this show.

Ben is tending bar, so probably not the new vamp, but they look basically the same to me. Bonn and Caro are over at The Grill for point-five seconds so Bonnie can drool on Ben, Caro can tell her she can do better, and Matt can brush by Caroline without even a "hi". Is The Grill, like, across the street from the school? Everyone is always just showing up in random spots around town, but everyone also has a car? What is this place actually like? I need notes about Mystic Falls city planning, please and thanks.

Alaric introduces himself TO DAMON. THE VAMP HE KNOWS KILLED HIS WIFE. Damn, Warner, you got some balls.

He asks a ton of questions, and when Damon finally side-eyes him, he apologizes for being nosy and moves on, but Damon's vampy senses are tingling. That's right, Damon, don't trust him. I like you better for your big chaos energy (says the woman who always ends up being chaotic good).

Bonn asks Ben out, to success! Caroline is inspired to talk to Matt, who's still brushing her off. He tosses out a line about how busing tables is what "washed-up jocks do for a living" and I'd also like to see more Matt, frankly. These problems are so much more interesting than the vampire nonsense - but probably only because I'm filling in with my own brain, which already knows how to make vampire nonsense interesting, so. Clearly all of this would be better with better writing.

me, better writer! but now with pink hair

Anna and Jeremy are helping at the punch station. Have y'all ever been to a school dance with punch? I haven't. Not even prom, I don't think. And I went to a rich school, so I just wonder.

Anna is bugging Jeremy about the journal, and he says he gave it to Alaric. She gets real agitated real fast, and yup, called it: She vamps out!!!!! and then runs away, of course. Is she connected to the other vamp stalking Elena? She should be, but I don't trust this show to know that, so we'll have to wait and see!

I haven't mentioned, but all the music for this dance is, like, angry Limp Bizkit covers of oldies songs. Why?

It's so bad, the band is so, so bad. They clearly had the rights to the songs, why not a decent wedding band or something? Why not the real songs? "Great Balls of Fire" doesn't need gravelly half-shouting, fuck's sake. I want to like this show, I do, but it's like every single choice they make is always the worst one!

Anna goes to Alaric's office to get the journal, and the other vamp shows up. His name is Noah, and Anna says he shouldn't be toying with Elena. But he likes her, she looks like Catherine, and he's not afraid of the Salvatore bros. They're clearly here to get the vamps out of the raveyard, and I'm here for it.

My Boyfriend's Back! My childhood BFF and I did a dance to that for a middle-school talent show and repeated it a couple times, it was fun! This version is awful, but at least it doesn't sound like Fred Durst.

Elena! pay no attention to the beautiful celebrities!

Stefan and Elena finally spot Noah. Stefan goes after him and tells Elena to get Damon. Turns out Noah just gave away his hoodie, and he's making another phone call. Elena has 5 seconds to leave the dance, or he kills Jeremy. Noah corrals her into a classroom and starts beating the crap out of her. She stabs him with a pencil, makes a stake out of a mop handle, and still has to be rescued by Damon and Stefan. They torture him with the mop handle, and he admits he's here for Catherine, is fake hurt they don't remember him, and tells them the grimoire they need to raise Catherine can be found with the help of the journal. He won't tell them anything else, and Stefan kills him - just as Alaric shows up.

Damon mojos him, of course, but he's holding vervain, so he fakes the mojo?!?! Damn, I'm beginning to like Alaric. Not a big fan of Hunters, but, y'know, credit where it's due, and all.

Stefan and Damon talk about the grimoire. Stefan is going to help find it, just so he can make sure that Catherine and Damon leave, and the other 26 vamps die.

Back at The Grill, Caroline is apologizing to Matt because... I guess at some point she said the thing about washed-up football guys? Totally missed that, but okay, sure. They talk about their relationship, and he says he isn't over Elena, and he doesn't want to fuck it up with Caroline. She tells him that he's already lost her, because he played everything out in his head and decided for her what their next step should be - so, see ya.

Alaric takes Jenna home. He officially asks her out, and she says yes. Aw. Cute. She says he can talk about his wife all he wants, and he says her name was ISOBEL.

Caroline is walking home alone, once more making me wonder about Mystic Falls city planning. Matt pulls up in his truck and tries to get her to get in, but she refuses, so he gets out and kisses her. Aw. Cute! And Matt isn't anyone's dad, thank god.

Elena has a taste for killing. Ha, no, omg, can you imagine?!?! But she feels exhilarated by the evening's events, not horrified or depressed. Stefan says it's just the adrenaline, and she'll crash soon. He also tells her he's going to help Damon get Catherine out, and Elena says she's on board. She wants what Stefan wants.

Ben locks up The Grill under Anna's watchful eye, and it turns out, he's a vampire too!!!!! He's in on this raveyard scheme, not sad that Noah is dead, is trying to get Bonnie to like him to neutralize her, and kisses Anna.

For an episode that didn't seem very promising, I have to say this one packed it all the fuck in. I had to write paragraphs today! PARAGRAPHS. I'm thrilled we advanced so many plots. Keep this up, and I might even start to like this shit.