SGRoA: Moonlight, S1 E4: Fever

Welcome back, Snowflakes! I actually remember this episode a little, so I'm looking forward to this one. As I recall, it is very silly, and of course includes the must-have trope for all vampire television ever: The Vampire Drinks From The Human and there are CONSEQUENCES. Let's get started!

We open on a tight closeup of Mick's face, eyes yellow, head all sweaty. The camera is doing this weird pulsating thing that makes it difficult to watch if your eyes or brain are weird (I have both!), and we get Mick's signature useless voiceover about drinking blood: "What if the one thing you needed to survive is the one thing that would make life unbearable?"

"I'd do it so much better." We know, Meredith. We know.

Obviously, he bites Beth, and then we're going to work back to this moment, I assume. Though somehow next thing Beth is gone and there's just Mick, in a bathtub full of water and plastic ice cubes (like, super-obviously plastic, no one was caring on set that day), doing the Record-Scratch, "I bet you're wondering" trope. He bets we're wondering how he found himself "near death in no-star motel hell". I mean, I read the summary on the DVD box, so I'm not really, but I know that's how the meme has to go, so continue.

So 21 hours ago, he was at home in LA, waxing ridiculous about how the blood is the life.

"I did that better, too."

Mick apparently has the same fridge fairy that Alton Brown does, because we're treated to this weird angle of him getting blood out of his fridge from the back. And there is nothing else in this fridge. No wine, no nothing, despite Beth constantly coming over and the giant bowl of apples we can see over Mick's shoulder. Feels like nothing but blood is like, the straight guy apartment of the vampire. Maybe he should keep his hand lotion and cologne in there, too, like that lone bottle of mustard every straight dude keeps in his fridge next to the four beers.

Oh, it's a hidden fridge, behind a panel behind his open kitchen shelving. So the apples are to look "normal", because everyone has a trifle bowl full of apples on their counter. Got it.

Anyway, back to the blood. It's food! It's medicine! It's important! Do you get the point yet? THE BLOOD IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THIS EPISODE OF A VAMPIRE SHOW. It apparently cannot be overstated.

Beth's voice suddenly pops up, tinny and loud, from the speakers on Mick's computer. He just has it open to Buzzwire like it's CNN or something, and Beth's videos are on autostart, I guess? She's reporting on the trial of an arms dealer that her boyfriend, Josh, the assistant district attorney, is prosecuting. Apparently the arms dealer - Amir Fayed - was working with a police informant, and the federal prosecution against him fell apart last fall. So the LA DA is taking over? Makes sense.

the 10th doctor looking confused, with the caption "What?"

Anyway, Beth says this is the last chance to "put this monster away", and boy howdy, Buzzwire, I have 39815740994830295847390 questions about your policies on reporter editorializing and what, exactly, might constitute a conflict of interest. I'm not in here to say arms dealers are good guys, been wronged by the system, cut em some slack - but, also, a "monster"? Also also, reporting on your boyfriend?

Josh and Beth are also watching her report at home. Josh dryly remarks that her "confidence in [him] is overwhelming", and she replies that she went too heavy on "dry facts" so that she would seem more impartial. She was afraid she'd start babbling about how "hot" he is.

She tries to get some inside info on the case, citing his late-night phone calls and secretive behavior. He says maybe he's cheating on her, and they laugh. Aw, that's nice! That's a sweet little moment that actually shows a good relationship, even if it is the blandest white people I've ever seen.

Beth asks about a "secret witness", which Josh denies exists, and we cut to the secret witness, stashed in a hotel room with two cops. I'm so impressed it's a woman, for once! The cops are playing cards, and she's bored, but Officer Coleman remembered to get her her "trashy tabloid" to read. She heads into the bedroom with it, but not before giving Coleman a thank-you kiss on the cheek so she can grab the flip phone out of his pocket. She calls someone - "It's Leni. Can you talk?" - while the cops discuss barbecuing out in the living room.

Some dude from "down the hall" knocks and asks them to check their cable, but that's just to get someone to the door so he can start shooting. One cop is down; Coleman grabs Leni; there's smokebombs going off and a bunch of gunfire. Leni gets out, but Coleman's down, and cable dude is hot on her heels. She leaves out a fire escape while he's trying to get into other rooms, and she manages to lose him.

After the Moonlight logo, we're back to Mick, getting ready for bed and telling us that some couples just aren't meant to be. Beth has a boyfriend, and after Coraline - you know, his wife who turned him fifty years ago? - he has some trust issues.

ok, boomer

But Beth is calling him, and he always picks up for her. She hasn't talked to him in a week, which doesn't strike me as a huge amount of time between friends, but she's looking to come over. She brings Josh.

Mick stands in the corner looking pissed about it, with zero reason. Josh wants to hire him to find Leni, because he's convinced there's a leak and he can't trust the cops. Leni was Fayed's nanny, and she saw him murder one of his henchmen. Josh wants Mick to find her and bring her back to testify.

At the safehouse, Josh acts like he's the cops' boss, and tells the officer who found the guys when she came for her shift to go home, she shouldn't be here, just go tell Kevin her story and stay out of the way. Josh says they think there were multiple shooters, but Mick says no, only one. He does his weird smelling of the crime scene and we get flashback shots of the shooter. Josh says Leni wasn't hit, none of the blood is hers, and Mick says that's correct: there's no estrogen.

a fuzzy orange cat with text reading "excuse me while I barf in my mouth"

Josh says that Beth said Mick has an interesting way of working, and that it's never boring when he's around, and Mick just grunts. Leni was supposed to go down the back stairs or something, but Mick says no, she went out the fire escape, here's her blood on the latch to prove it. Mick follows the blood down and across a courtyard to a place where there are tire tracks - a truck or SUV.

Beth is there, looking for info on the scene, which Josh won't give her. Josh says that Coleman drove a truck, and that his name is Colden, which is definitely not what was on the subtitles before, but whatevs. Mick says they should put out an APB, and Josh says that Colden had a LoJack, which is better. Beth calls someone to get the LoJack info, and that apparently sends Mick and Beth to Dalton Avenue, where Beth thinks she's covered a story.

You know, there is a lot of pointless or weirdly gross dialogue in this show, and very little to explain what's actually happening in these stories. They're sort of mysteries, sort of procedurals, but all the dialogue is focused on, like, showing how vampirey Mick is or what's going on with Beth's relationship. I assume the truck's LoJack data has sent them here, but that's never actually, like, worked into the dialogue or the visuals, so I just have to assume I understand what's going on. It's not good, y'all. Have some compassion for your neurodivergent audience. We don't like assumption.

Mick points out that Beth working this case seems like a conflict of interest, and she says "post-verdict, it's all okay", but, like, they don't have a verdict? And I don't think it's okay? What does that even mean, "post-verdict"? Like, as long as no one notices before the trial is over, that's super cool? Yikes on bikes, y'all!

The sun is starting to get to Mick, so they take a break to talk about how he's a vamp and how Beth is glad he told her about Coraline, and then Mick checks a printout and they're walking up to a house. Mick knocks, and toes up the corner of the welcome mat to see a key impression, but no key. He picks the lock to get in, assuming Leni knew the house, to find bloody bandages on the living room floor and a gun missing from its case, and the case left out for anyone to see.

Turns out, it's Jack Tollan's house - the guy Fayed is accused of killing. There are dozens of pics of Jack and Leni together, and Mick finds evidence of a cabin Jack owns in Victorville. He tells Beth this is where they part ways, because Leni is scared and has a gun, and it would be dangerous for her to stick with him for this part. She agrees, but points out they make a good team.

Leni gets off the bus in Victorville, which apparently is in the California desert. Mick is there waiting for her, and she accidentally shoots him in the arm, but he says she missed him. She doesn't want to trust Mick, and he rightly points out that if he wanted her dead, she already would be. She concedes the point and allows him to buy her dinner in the diner where the bus let her off.

Back in LA, Beth is hanging out in Josh's office. The news comes in that Colden's phone called a phone owned by Fayed, and Josh calls in a warrant for Colden's home.

Mick asks Leni what happened with Fayed, but we've already been given that info, so why? Leni tells Mick she won't be testifying - in the middle of a diner, where anyone can hear them - and when Mick calls Jack "this guy", she has a fit of righteousness and goes to stand in the diner doorway so no one can get past them once Mick follows.

text in black on a white background that reads "It may be stupid but it's also dumb"

just the weirdest blocking ever

While they're blocking the exit, Mick voiceovers that he understands what he's been hearing this whole time - a second heartbeat. Leni's pregnant.

In LA, Josh and Beth and another DA and all the cops show up at Fayed's house to... I don't know. Serve that warrant Josh called in? Arrest Fayed? But Fayed's bodyguard says he isn't home, and Josh says that violates his parole? For something he hasn't been convicted for? That he is, in fact, currently on trial for? That they need Leni to testify at?!?!?!

Chris Hemsworth as Thor saying, "I have no idea what's going on"

me neither, man. me neither!

Beth, who's been wandering around the periphery, runs into Fayed's kid. Before she can pump her for info, though, Mick calls and tells Beth that Leni's preggers, and that's why she doesn't want to come back. Beth gives the phone to Josh, who tells Mick he'll have Victorville PD there within the hour to collect Leni. "An hour?!" says Mick, and goes on to say he doesn't need an escort, he'll bring Leni back himself, and hangs up on Josh.

Leni and Mick have a nice little moment where she tells him she's pregonat, and he says she should name the baby Jack, and she dissolves into tears. Oh, poor girl. She says she wants justice for Jack, but she's so scared. Mick promises to protect her, and she agrees to trust him.

Oh, they're serving a search warrant on Fayed, in connection to that phone. Got it. We could have had this discussion BEFORE and not confused everyone, but whatever. This is all just to get Beth to talk to Mara, the kid - who had the phone that Leni called. Inside the house, Josh has lined up all the phones Fayed pays for, and none of them ring when he calls the number on the warrant. Beth asks for the phone, and tells Josh that Colden didn't call - Leni did.

Back in Victorville, a man drives a police car, but the radio says that "Car 18 reported stolen", and there's what might be a bullet hole in the sunglasses in the car. The man goes into the diner and tells Mick he's there to be an escort for him, and Mick's immediately suspicious, because dude's wearing a big old jacket in the summer in the desert. He tells the dude to just wait there - Mick will go get Leni, who's in the ladies room.

OHHHHHHHHH, that whole thing with the warrant and the phone? Josh thought that solved the leak in the police department! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO BE TOLD THAT AS A VIEWER, MOONLIGHT WRITERS. Maybe stop trying to cram the Guinness World Record amount of scenes into one hour of television and start TELLING US WHAT WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE SHOW.

alan rickman flipping a table

this show is going to kill me. I can't believe I thought Forever Knight sucked

The Victorville PD guy is obviously a hitman, and Mick steals his car, but immediately there's a helicopter on their tail, firing missiles and shit. Enough money for location shoots and sfx, but none for writers, is that it? Anyway, the car blows up and Mick and Leni are just out in the desert, running away from the next batch of cops that start showing up.

Real Victorville PD call Josh and tell him about the accident, and then he tells Beth that Leni and Mick are both dead, even though the wreckage is too hot to get close to, and no one can confirm that at all. But Beth's forced-tearful reaction to this news is only part of the reason for this nonsense: she immediately turns on Josh, because Mick spoke only to Josh and Beth, so Josh must be the leak!

You know, except for all those people on the bus that Leni was seen by. And all the people in the diner who could overhear them talking. All the women in the restroom who overheard them. Anyone at all who walked near them at any point, or who were not even that much more observant than usual! ALL THESE PEOPLE! This wasn't a closed loop! YOU BROUGHT LIKE 25 COPS WITH YOU TO THE SEARCH WARRANT THINGIE.

Miss Piggy looking irritated or angry

Beth goes home to cry, Mick and Leni find an abandoned motel to take shelter in. But I've seen Life After People, and this place looks like it was abandoned 20 minutes ago. Leni goes to the ice machine while Mick fills the bathtub, because of course there's still ice and running water. Makes as much sense as any other fucking thing in this horrible episode. Leni wants to get Mick to a hospital, but Mick tells her to find a signal and call Beth. Only Beth. I'm guessing she won't find a phone in the hotel that's still on, but amazing! There's also a cell tower nearby and she gets through to Beth!

Meanwhile, Josh is trying to find the leaker, and when the other DA (who doesn't even have a name!) and the lady cop from the crime scene (also no name!) come in to tell him that Victorville PD didn't find any bodies, he says "I know! Beth just talked to them. Leni's going to stay up there overnight, and then she'll be back tomorrow! Isn't that great?!" Lady cop looks relieved; other DA does not; but I bet both of these nameless jabronis are the leakers.

Beth rushes up to Victorville and Mick chomps down, obviously, after some convincing. Mick wants Beth to just take Leni, but she won't, yadda yadda, we've seen this a million times, because male vampires are all broody and tortured and want to die anyway.

I mean, been bored for years, but yeah.

Oh, it's nameless DA jabroni who's the leak, and Josh finds him. Jabroni is deep in gambling debt, and makes excuses, and Josh punches him and then just walks away, because no one else in this cubicle farm of an office has noticed.

Fake cop hitman guy has found the motel, but Leni hid and Beth surprises him and Mick punches him out.

And that's the fucking end. We wrap up with a Buzzwire report that Fayed was convicted and Josh kissing the "cut" on Beth's wrist. She looks suitably conflicted about that, a much better acting job that when she reacted to reports of Mick's death. Josh apologizes for not being sensitive enough to her pain when she thought Mick was dead, she apologizes for accusing him of being the leak, and then he goes to brush his teeth or whatever while she broods over maybe liking Mick, I guess?

I mean, here's the thing: sharing blood like that has got to be intensely intimate. More, perhaps, than sex, or even eye contact. I can imagine it feeling like maybe you cheated somehow, by doing this. She has reason to be conflicted, but it seems from the way this scene is set up that it's somehow super immediate? Like, she thinks she has to "choose" or "decide" or something, and she has to do it RIGHT THIS SECOND?

But you don't, Beth! You don't have to "choose" anything, Mick will literally always be here, and it really was just a blood transfusion. You can choose to go on as if this was an expression of love and friendship, because it was. I understand the writers (which I must call them because technically they did write this) want a love triangle or some shit, but you don't have to give it to them!

Mick is doing his own brooding, or maybe it's the next day? Because Beth shows up at his place with different hair? There's some stupid voiceover about always being connected, and how being near him puts her in danger, and he doesn't answer the door.

IT'S OVER!

Next week: Mick's been avoiding Beth! But murder brings them back together! And probably a bunch of shit that doesn't make sense, is neither explicit nor implicit in the text, and will take me completely by surprise when they finally explain it! Join me for another rage-fueled blogging session!