Guys. I am old, and it sucks. I threw my back out on Monday, and here I am, four whole days later, just now able to sit and do this recap. But I'll have to go back to my heating pad afterward. I am a sad panda this week, and you're lucky you can't see my house. Feel bad for the Mr. and the Mini, because I was totally lying down on the job.But! Recaps you want, and recaps you shall have! Nothing is too painful for my Snowflake army!

In Toronto, they sell comics at the newsstand. But of course our child protagonist isn't buying - she's stealing, the little brat. She runs away with her ill-gotten gains, and runs into some old dude who promptly gets shot by a couple of suburban dads with hilarious Canadian accents.

You shoulda checked your arithmetic, Maaaarty. You shoulda checked your arithmetic." So I'm guessing this guy was an accountant for the Dad Mafia, and he probably left the door open in winter and made them heat the whole neighborhood. Little Thief saw it all, so now she's a witness to the perfidy of late-thirtysomethings whose wives left them without a honey-do list to fill their weekend. The cops don't roll up to investigate until after dark, even though it seemed to be the middle of the day when the hit went down. Schenke's at a school concert, so Nick's partner of the moment is some Indian dude we'll never see again. But, hey, points for diversity, Metro PD.

Marty was indeed a mob accountant - "Marty Spreadsheets". Nick actually refers to the mob as "wiseguys". Looks like a textbook hit, and everyone's getting ready to pack it in when Nick vamps out and finds the little girl, whose first line is, "I didn't do it." What kind of a dystopian hellscape is 90s Toronto that a 12-year-old thinks she'll be blamed for a mob hit?!Random Detective tells Nick he did a good job with the girl - in the five words he said to her - and that he should think about having kids someday.

Turns out, Nick totes wants to parent, and we're back to London during the Blitz and some urchin stealing from people in evening clothes and uniforms - Janette in the former, Nick and Lacroix in the latter. This kid has absolutely the worst Cockney accent I've ever heard. Uh-oh. Looks like Janette is having inconvenient uterus-feelings.

Back at the precinct, Stonetree is giving guardianship of the witness, Lisa, to Nick. Turns out Lisa's last name should be Longstocking, because her mom is dead and her dad is on an oil rig and she basically roams the streets by herself. Oh, sure, she had a nanny with a Quebecois accent, but the nanny seems unable to keep her out of trouble. Nanny makes a lot of excuses, and Nick says no one's blaming her. Um, guys. I'm pretty sure it's your job to keep kids from being neglected.

Anyway. Everyone's giving Nick's objections to babysitting the old childfree treatment - "You'll do fine! Now you'll want your own! Aren't you a little old to still not have bred?!" - but I'm with Nick on this one. Also, I'm with common sense on this one. Who hands a little girl to a single dude with no family? Cop or no cop, that's...asking for trouble? A bad idea? A potential lawsuit? All of the above? Sometimes, the contortions this show goes through for its plots are truly epic.

Lisa's telling nun jokes in the break room. Who is this kid? Maybe she did do it. Nick takes her home in an unmarked Pontiac, because...I got nuthin'. He makes small talk with her about her dad and comics, and whoever wrote this one is trying to make her super-adorable, but the actress is doing a good job at just being an actual kid, so props to her.

Someone pulls a drive-by on them, but Nick notices they're being followed and saves the day. Turns out he got shot, and while he's calling Nat to have her come over and pull the bullet out, Lisa finds his fridge full of blood and asks if he has a drinking problem. Nick then calls Schenke to tell him they've been made, oh, and bring some food for this human kid, but Schenke's watching his favorite show and doesn't want to leave the house. That show?

There's some adorable (barf) banter, and then it's back to London and Janette's inconvenient uterus. Lacroix doesn't have much to say, which isn't surprising to me, because I know all the spoilers from later in the show. Let's just say that tween-aged children probably trigger some vampire PTSD for him.Nick and Janette don't care, of course, and are lavishing presents on the urchin and playing happy family. This, as Lacroix's raised eyebrow and distance from the kid tell us, will not end well.

I hope they're not Nazis, but I don't feel very confident about it.

Blah blah, more sad kid conversation. I so don't care. Schenke shows up with food and the news that the shooters used a rental with a stolen credit-card and they can't trace it, but they're all over ballistics and search warrants and lineups. Too bad the Dad Mafia is also hard at work, making plans to kill Nick and the kid on their amazing new technology.

Trust me, it's the same guy. That accent is still ridiculous.

Nat comes to take the bullet out of Nick's shoulder, and the wound is still open, which is a "definite improvement". Apparently she's had him on fake blood and some sort of "program" to turn him human again, and it must be working because he can see himself in the mirror and feel pain.

What the what now? Since when do vampires not feel pain? Heal quickly, yes. Not be incapacitated by pain, sure. But failing to feel it? That's dangerous.

Just ask him. You know, when you're done drooling. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Nat gets the bullet - a .357 - and then we have to talk about Nick's feelings about children. Barf. But then it's time for more Lacroix! Lacroix suggests they keep the kid, because it's what Janette wants, and because the kid would "never betray his own." He thinks making the kid a vampire would be an "interesting experiment". Lacroix. Whut are you doin? Lacroix, stahp. I'm just going to say it: Livia. Livia, Livia, Livia. STAHP.

Nick puts Lisa in his bed, on his gross black-and-red satin sheets. Oh, barf-o-rama. Also, if he can't feel anything, why bother with satin sheets? Isn't the point that they feel nice on the skin? Lisa tells Nick some bedtime stories about her dad killing sharks with scuba knives and how much she misses him and her mom and how her mom's car accident was all her fault, and so is Marty Spreadsheets's murder. You know, fun stuff to help everyone sleep.

In London, Nick puts the mojo on the urchin - who's been with them long enough to get a haircut and new clothes and learn to play the piano - and tells him to leave because he's in danger. So, good on you, Nick.

While Lisa's sleeping upstairs, Nick is bottling his own blood from a giant barrel in his kitchen. Using a gravy boat. While wearing a puffy shirt. Like you do.

I...am speechless. I have no idea what that scene was about. I don't - I can't - What?

Dad Mafia has found Nick's loft, and they show up in a brand-new panel van, dressed as workmen of some sort. Lisa gets herself up, gets some pizza, and pours herself a glass of "wine". Jeez. I think this kid has some more serious problems than anyone cares to know.She tries to wake Nick up, which is impossible, seeing as he's dead, but gives up pretty easily only to open his shutters a little and almost burn his face off. So there's one more thing she can add to her list of faults. Nick's blundering around the apartment, trying to heal, but he's been temporarily blinded, and this makes him remember that Lacroix and Janette tracked down their British urchin and turned him into a vampire.

I have to assume the writers had no idea what was going to come out about Lacroix in later seasons, because this - No. He would have taken no part in making a child vampire. None. I can't even blame it on long-forgotten fatherly feeling, because surely that impulse is embodied by Janette and Nick, his new "children". Livia's existence precludes a child-turning Lacroix - or this episode needs a better explanation than "Janette wanted it."

Schenke's giving parenting advice to Lisa's father while Dad Mafia are breaking in to the loft. Nick's all vamped out, so even if he's blind, he can still take down the bad guys. Lisa sees him all fangy and asks if she's dreaming it. Nick defeats the other bad guy and can suddenly see again, and he puts the mojo on Lisa to make her forget what she saw. Meanwhile, there's been a call about an explosion at Nick's place. O...kay? There wasn't, but whatever, a bunch of squads and Schenke are on their way. Lisa is returned to her father, and everything's fine. Except we never find out what happened to the urchin vampire. Ugh.

Guys. This one was so bad. The kid was a good actress, but the plot contortions, the absolutely out of character behavior, the childfree bashing - Just ugh. All over. Hopefully, next week will be better, because we have the obligatory rock-star-accused-of-murder plot. FK probably won't do it better than Castle, or Law&Order, or - well, any cop show, really, but it has to be better than this was.

SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E13: Father Figure

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