Moonlight, S1 E2: Out Of The Past

Happy Thursday, Snowflakes! Like every week since March 2020, this one has not been eventful, but it was pleasant just the same. We're working up some plans to redo our lawn this summer, which I know is only exciting to other 40-something homeowners with lawns, but it's also the only piece of news I have, so there's that. Let's get started!

Mr. Clean is getting out of prison, and hopefully out of that black tee and khakis, because no one's gonna recognize him like that. Beth starts in voiceover, and then switches to the Buzzwire studios, where she's interviewing a woman who wrote the upcoming book, Wronged Man, about Lee Jay Spalding, who spent 25 years in prison for a crime he supposedly didn't commit. That's gotta be Mr. Clean, and I say "supposedly" not because I think he necessarily did it, but because I vaguely remember this episode and I'm pretty sure he's running a long con on the reporter who wrote the book - Julia Stevens.

don't trust him with anything. those magic erasers? not magic!

Mr. Clean (yes, I'm sticking with it) is out on parole, so at least they didn't like get him out completely and a settlement from the state or anything yet. Mick is watching the interview and asks Josef if he can believe that they're letting him out. (Josef is at Mick's because he knew Mick would be "on the warpath" and brought him some fresh blood. In a bottle. Freshly bottled, I guess.) Mick clearly was involved in putting Clean/Spalding away, and he's pissed he's been given parole, though, like, that's how the system works? I mean, I, too, would like to see prison abolition in my lifetime, Mick, but I don't think it's gonna work like that.

Josef says he'd like to meet Beth one day and then licks blood off his hand, which, gross. Mick shoots him a dirty look that's clearly meant to convey "keep your fangs off her", which is also gross, and then they turn their attention back to Stevens (the reporter), who's waxing worshipful about how Spalding is so amazing, and has no grudge against the men who "wrongfully" put him away. Mick is convinced that Stevens is fucking Spalding, and that's the only reason she's been snowed like this.

Josef thinks we should just kill all our "bad guys" and tells Mick to stop feeling guilty, because what Spalding did isn't Mick's fault. Mick says, "You're right! Let's go play skee-ball at the arcade!" and the episode is over.

Oh, if only. Nope, Mick is obviously tortured and this woman dying is clearly his fault, and we get to learn all about it in FLASHBACK TIME!

Los Angeles, 1983: Okay, so all the flashbacks are going to be weirdly desaturated, though this one isn't sepia-toned, despite happening 2 years earlier than the last one we saw. Mick's card was in a dead woman's pocket, and a detective is questioning him as he takes him to the body. She was Mick's client; he says she hired him to protect her. She's been found dead in her car, in what looks like a suicide: gun in her hand, single shot to the head. Mick says it was murder, and then just... walks away from the detective on an active murder investigation?! The way these vampires use human systems just to further their own aims, and then bitch about how we act -

Mick voiceovers that when he caught up with Mr. Clean, he intended to kill him. Just, no questions, no verification, just straight-up execution. Nice, Mick. But he screws up: he vamps out, scares the crap out of Clean, bites him, and then gets interrupted by another squad car! HE BIT THE DUDE ON THE STREET, JUST OUT ON THE CURB, LIKE HE'S ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS OR SOMETHING.

In the present, Josef says it's just as easy as killing Clean, because not only did he kill a woman (ALLEGEDLY), but he can also identify Mick as a vampire, and we know that the one thing all vamps have in common is that not one of these idiots will ever willingly come out of the coffin (Charlaine Harris and Laurell Hamilton vamps notwithstanding). But Mick is reluctant, despite just having a snack on the fucking street.

Mr. Clean finishes his long walk out of the prison, to be met by friends who got all the stuff he asked for: books on vampires and stakes and general nonsense. "Gonna do a lot of reading?" says the friend. "Nah," says Clean. "We're going hunting." And then we get our little moon opening. Still no theme song or anything. Sigh.

Beth is dreaming about Mick rescuing her when she was a kid, and all the weird vamp-fighting she saw. Her boyfriend wakes her as she's getting more agitated, and I just spent like 10 minutes figuring out that he is not, in fact, David Giuntoli, who played the Grimm on GRIMM, but is in fact a different actor altogether, named Jordan Belfi, about whom I have been making Grimm jokes for YEARS, because they could be twins. I am actually pretty disappointed: I could have made great Grimm jokes for this whole series, and now that the possibility has been snatched from me, I have a sad.

too bad, but maybe future recaps?

Anyway. Beth is calling out Mick's name, and Josh (the bf) is being so kind to "understand" that she would be grateful to him for saving her last week, and it's okay that she says Mick's name in her sleep.

seriously, what? because everyone's a lucid dreamer or something?

Beth explains that she was dreaming about what happened when she was a kid and was kidnapped. They both think she's inserting Mick into those memories, and Josh says she should "see someone about that" in this tone that's just - I mean, I hate him. None of the men are doing great in this episode, frankly, and they've been almost the only things on screen this whole time.

At work, Julia Stevens stops in to banter with Beth's cameraman (Steve Balfour, played by Kevin Weisman) by insisting that people "read the paper" and that online news is only for "celebrities covered in their own vomit". Embrace change, Julia. You're not gonna have that cushy staff journo job much longer.

Julia's brought a copy of her book and an invitation to the release party for Beth and Steve, and to talk up Mr. Clean and how awesome he is. Beth asks why the cops were so sure it was Mr. Clean, and Julia says it's cuz he had priors - "even with the tainted evidence." Beth is incredulous that the police contaminated the evidence -

but Julia says no, it was a PI. "Mick St. John. He almost beat Lee Jay to death." Beth laughs - because Mick looks like he'd have been about 10, tops, 25 years ago. Julia shows Beth a pic in the book, and yup, it's Mick all right. "He never returned my calls," Julia says, because she did actually try to reach him while she was researching the book. Beth says she knows him, but not this guy, this can't be the guy, right?

So she goes directly over to Mick's place. Ostensibly to give him a gift of 25-year-old Scotch as a thank you, but she pulls out the book and the photo in the foyer. Doesn't even put down her purse! Mick in a voiceover explains that the pic is from 1950, when he was human, and he could still be captured in photographs.

I think I've covered this before - it had to have come up in FK recaps - but the whole thing with film and vampires is that back in the day - waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back - photos were taken or developed using silver and compounds of silver. Because silver is magical, and repels/attracts beasties in almost all mythologies, it was the interaction of the silver and the vampire that resulted in pictures not being able to be taken. It's also where the no reflection thing comes from - mirrors were backed with silver, silver can't interact with the evil inherent in the vampire, et voila, pas de photos (and voila, no photos.).

NOW. I think all the silver stuff is nonsense. I'm very firmly in the vampirism is a genetic mutation camp, pretty firmly rooted in mostly real(ish) science about the whole thing. Silver interaction always strikes me as a weirdly fae thing to put in a vampire story, something more magical than I'm really willing to deal with in most books. But even if you're going with magic and silver - THERE IS VANISHINGLY LITTLE SILVER USED IN PHOTOGRAPHY RIGHT NOW. There is no silver on the backs of modern mirrors. Most photos and photo papers have nothing to do with silver. There should be photos of Mick from later in the 20th century and there should be digital images of him in the "present" of 2007 when this takes place.

Mick says the guy in the book is his father, and that's a decent lie. Beth asks if Mick's "dad" every told him about his run-in with Mr. Clean, and Mick says, "Kind of." Dad said that Clean is the kind of guy who just "has" to kill, nothing will stop him. Beth says that Julia told her otherwise; Mick says Julia's wrong, and they should both be careful. Beth says she has to go.

Mr. Clean is welding. A friend of his comes in and says they got the stuff he wanted: a bag full of wooden stakes. "Are we going camping?" "Yeah, something like that."

vampire hunting is not like camping

Mick goes to see Bobby, the detective we saw working the case at the beginning. He's blind, so he can't tell that Mick doesn't age. Lee Jay has called Bobby and said he forgives him for the whole arrest and imprisonment thing. Bobby's also pulled the case file for Mick, and tells him to be careful - "We're senior citizens now, don't go breaking a hip!"

These scenes are weirdly short. It's just like two lines and then we're on to the next thing, next place, next two lines of dialogue that barely move the story. My attention span is - well, complicated, but also usually not that long, and I'm finding this pacing just...weird, honestly. Though I suppose it's very 2007 - it's that Buzzwire page from the pilot, three columns of chaos and a teensy video in the middle.

At the book party, Mick voiceovers about how disappointing it is that humans are basically always the same, but at least technology gets better! and slaps a GPS tracker on (I assume) Mr. Clean's car. Lee Jay is signing copies of Julia's book about a wrongful conviction for children. No joke: there's like a little pack of 7-10 year olds clamoring for Lee Jay's autograph on a book he didn't write, that isn't for kids, and that I can't imagine more than one or two might ever want to read before adulthood. Who cast this?!

Beth and Steve come in, Steve starts getting B-roll, and Beth goes to talk to Mick. Mick gives her the file, which she tries to refuse, and they're interrupted by Julia and Lee Jay. Beth gives the same lie about the father, and Lee Jay smiles creepily at Mick, because of course he knows Mick is really a vamp.

No more time for posturing, though, because it's time for Lee Jay's speech. He says a few thank yous, acknowledges all the "young faces" here tonight (WHY), and then launches into some generic shit about being stronger than "them", and how he will "beat" them. It's clearly directed at Mick, but is inspirational enough nonsense that no one else notices. Mick stays long enough to hear all that and to see Julia kiss Lee Jay, and then it's - off to the restroom? Where he finds Lee Jay, despite the fact that Lee Jay was literally in the middle of the place, giving a speech?

Bad editing aside, Mick says that Lee Jay's not going to hurt any more women, because Mick won't let him, and then Lee Jay brings out the stake as Mick vamps out. Lee Jay manages to get the stake a little ways into Mick, who starts bleeding, and he says that he could put Mick in an art display like this, paralyzed by the stake. (So puncturing a heart won't kill Mick, but silver is still in play? Uh-huh. Sure. Someone really thought out this lore.) He then pulls out the stake, Mick unvamps, and Lee Jay smashes his own head through some glass to make it look like Mick attacked him.

Oh, Mick. You dumb bitch. Maybe don't interfere in this shit? Maybe prove people killed other people before you try to murder them? Maybe even if Lee Jay did kill that woman, he was in prison for 25 years already, and could have changed?

Mick slinks out of the party, but Lee Jay points to him and says, loudly, "I don't want any more trouble!" so everyone can get a good, long look at the vampire. Lee Jay declines a call to police, and Beth goes after Mick, who is still skulking about for some reason. Beth scolds him and doesn't believe that Lee Jay did it to set Mick up. Mick asks her if she read the file, which - bitch, when? She's been at a party! So have you! It's been literally five minutes since you gave her that file!

Mick says Lee Jay killed two women, and made them both look like suicides. "That guy romancing your friend? He's a killer. Trust me." And then for some reason it's slo-mo while they trade emphatic glances? Yes, that's a much better way to get across this conflict than, oh, I don't know, having them talk about it for longer than three lines?

Next day, Mick is at home, sitting on his stairs, flicking a lighter and flashbacking. The victim from the first flashback, Ilene Hannigan, hired him in 1983 because her husband - Lee Jay, I'm guessing - ignored the restraining order she got against him and has continued to beat the crap out of her. He told her he'd kill her if she ever left him - which, yeah, that is statistically the most dangerous time for people with abusive partners, so if you can ever offer a safe space, please do so - so she bought a gun. Mick tells her to get rid of it, that she doesn't want to give Clean an opportunity to use it against her, and that he'll "take care of it".

Which he tries to do by beating the shit out of the guy.

I mean, yes, I have heard the argument that violent people only understand violence. I just think it's utter bullshit. Turning victimizers into simply more victims - which, I might point out, they are highly likely to have been before - just makes more victims. These kinds of problems are individual, yes, but are also systemic, and beating up one dude who likes to have power over women isn't the crushing blow to misogyny that Mick clearly seems to think it is. You want to help Ilene? You want to help all people victimized by partners? CHANGE THE FUCKING SYSTEM, MICK.

So he beats the shit out of Lee Jay, and says if he hurts Ilene again, Mick will come back to do more damage. And he assumes it's taken care of, but his present-time voiceover tells us he was stupid then, and thought violence solved everything. But, like, I'm not seeing any growth about this, because you still want to kill the guy!

We then get a scene of Mick and Josef in the 80s - because Duran Duran is playing and Mick's got his blazer sleeves rolled up - dancing and eating at a club. A blonde and a redhead walk up to them, and Josef asks Mick if he'd like "white, or red?" Mick takes "the red", and you know what, Mick? You know fucking what?

You're no better than Lee Jay Spalding right now.

Mick gets a phone call at the... club? Josef's house? (For someone who cares about secrecy, Josef certainly flaunts his fangs at every fucking opportunity.) It's Bobby, the cop, calling him down to the crime scene we've already seen, Ilene dead in the car.

Lee Jay is all over the news, holding his injured head. Beth is trying to figure out why Mick's so het up about this case, because she's figured out that his dad wasn't a cop or a PI. She's finally read the file, and goes to see Bobby. Beth mentions Mick's son, and Bobby insists a son doesn't exist, it's just the one Mick. Beth is... nonplussed at this news.

Mick has just come home from...somewhere, to find Lee Jay in his apartment, sitting in his library, holding a bag of blood. Clean has told everyone that he planned on coming over to Mick's to "make peace", so nothing better happen to him. Finally, someone with an ounce of common sense! I hate that it's the bad guy, but this is a vampire show, so.

Pictured: Everyone in these shows

Lee Jay has Mick's gun all ready to go. He asks Mick what it's like for a vampire to kill, because he only knows how it feels when he does it. Mick super wants to hit him, and you'd think a 90-year-old could control his temper better, but despite being bested by this guy several times already, Mick just keeps yelling and advancing on Clean.

So Clean shoots himself, and calls 911. "I've been shot by Mick St. John!"

Mick must live in a building only for billionaires, because the LAPD - THE L. A. P. D.! - is already swarming through his hallway, practically before Lee Jay has even finished the 911 call! Mick just... leaves? Like, there's that whooshing sound effect they always use for people flying, and then he's at a parking lot across the street from the Disney concert hall. Josef has come to pick him up, driving a very expensive sports car. (Josef's spending habits are troubling. That money has to last you literally forever, dude!) "You made the news," he says to Mick, in an annoyed singsong. Josef wants to know why Mick never killed Lee Jay, because now Mick is looking at 40 years in prison. PRISON! FOR A VAMPIRE!

Apparently, despite both of these assholes rolling in money and believing that secrecy is of the utmost importance, they simply have no way of leaving the country? Mick doesn't have several other identities ready to go? No one has a forger on their payroll? Josef will buy girls to eat, but won't bankroll the simplest of protections for people who live forever? Oh, no, wait, Josef "knows a guy" - doesn't have a guy, after 400 years, after who knows how many name changes and new towns - but Mick refuses to leave.

https://youtu.be/621LzO0qWnU

Beth's editor sends her to the hospital to get some footage of Lee Jay getting out of the hospital. She does this over a video call? Because it's 2007? Makes sense. Anyway, Not-Grimm boyfriend thinks Mick absolutely shot Clean, and he acts like Beth's an idiot for not believing it. Looks like there might be a fight, but before it can really get going, Mick shows up at Beth's place, and she decides to fight with him, instead.

Obviously, Mick proclaims his innocence, Beth doesn't believe it, Mick has no way to tell her why he wouldn't stay and talk to the cops except he "panicked". (ACAB, baby, I wouldn't have talked to them either.) Josh chimes in that Mick can't be here, he's a lawyer, he can't be harboring a fugitive! What, did Lee Jay shoot himself?

Well, yeah. Beth says that's what he does - it's all in the police files about Lee Jay's other run-ins with the law. Josh takes a look and actually does change his mind. Beth tells Mick that she has to be sure he's telling her the truth, and he is, so she decides to put him on the site, telling his own story, BECAUSE DIGITAL CAMERAS CAPTURE HIM JUST FINE.

VINDICATIOOOOOOOOOON!

"Fugitive Suspect Tells All", the video is titled, and Mick lays it all out, from 1982 till now. The video makes like every news channel, because of course, and Julia catches it at the hospital as she's picking Lee Jay up. She wonders how Beth could have done this to her, but, like, why? This isn't a personal betrayal. This is news.

Lee Jay denies the murders to to reporters gathered at the hospital, and then has no further comment and drives away with Julia - only to kidnap her and make her call Beth in an effort to talk to Mick. Beth and Josh are listening in and recording the call, during which he says that he knows what Mick is, and that if Mick doesn't turn himself in in the next hour, Clean will kill Julia. Beth is hung up on the "I know what you are" part of the call, but Josh has a plan to have his buddy in PR put out a statement that Mick has turned himself in, so Mick can go rescue Julia.

Oh, Mick tagged Julia's car with the GPS earlier. Good plan! He takes Beth to the rescue. Bad plan! Beth wants to talk about what Mick is, and Mick says the hour's almost up, so maybe they should rescue Julia first.

They pull up to a warehouse, Beth waits in the car with a gun, Mick goes to rescue Julia from a room that looks identical to the college basement where Vlad was fucking hot coeds last ep. Mick kicks Lee Jay's henchmen's asses, and then Lee Jay comes out with a shotgun filled with silver buckshot. He gets Mick on the ground, then advances on him with a flamethrower. Hard to feel bad for Mick, here, being as this wouldn't have happened if he hadn't tried to snack on the street in the first place.

Beth comes in with her borrowed gun. She levels it at Lee Jay, and seeing Mick threatened by fire causes her to flashback to Coraline in the fire when she was kidnapped, and she shoots Lee Jay in the neck to save Mick.

Lee Jay's dead, Julia's alive, everyone's traumatized again, Beth walks away from Cop Carl, because no one in this show ever has to actually answer police questions. Mick makes it home, still all full of silver, and doesn't bother to shut his front door before chowing down in the bags from his fridge. Beth walks in behind him, and she is unsurprised to find him sucking the good stuff out of an IV bag. She still asks "What are you?" and he, of course, still answers: "A vampire."

Y'all. This episode was truly dumb, from start to finish. I hope this gets at least a little more fun, because I do not have it in me to do 14 more episodes if they're all this deeply stupid. And misogynistic! I know it's supposed to make Mick look like a good guy, he doesn't hurt women, he helps them! but he treated every woman in this episode like an accessory or worse. The difference between a good man and a sexist one isn't that the good ones are nice to us and the bad ones hit. Come the fuck on, my man, you should know better! YOU'RE 90!

Ugh. I need a Lacroix up in this show so I have somebody to root for.

NEXT WEEK: Beth and Mick have to find a newborn who won't stop killing! Doesn't sound like a ripoff of every vampire show ever! Should be deeply dumb! Can't wait!